


Don't Push.

by Hankenstein



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alien Culture, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Angst and Porn, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Blow Jobs, Canon-Typical Violence, Cunnilingus, Dirty Talk, Double Penetration, F/M, M/M, Multi, Partner Swapping, Pegging, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Sexuality Crisis, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-16 12:29:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 50,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2269731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hankenstein/pseuds/Hankenstein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You two nearly got yourselves into serious trouble on a simple mission because of your inattentiveness, and that is not the kind of thing I, as your Commander, as your goddamn friend, can let slide. If you don't sort out whatever shit is going on between you, <i>you are going to get someone killed</i>." </p><p>They're looking down the barrel of a war that none of them might make it out of, and Commander Shepard is not about to tell her crew they can't take their happiness wherever it may come. Whatever is going on between James and Kaidan, she's happy to let it be. Until it becomes clear that something has come between them, and it's affecting both of them, <i>and</i> their performance. </p><p>Of course, what she doesn't realise, is that the "something" between them, is her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Garrus Runs His Fucking Mouth and Gets Kaidan Into It.

“So… You and Shepard.” 

James thunked down the pauldron he’d been holding. He’d been prickly all evening, huffing around his repair station, barely speaking when Kaidan had floated down and made himself comfortable like he did most night cycles. He leant booted feet against James’ bench, just quietly being there, in the LT’s presence. There wasn’t often a lot of talking during these evenings, but he’d been able to tell, from the moment he sat down, that there was something on James’s mind. 

Kaidan didn’t look up, lips thinning thoughtfully. “Joker? Hmm. Liara? Surely not,” he muttered to himself. 

“Are you listening to me?” James said hotly.

Kaidan slowly looked up from his data pad, meeting James’ simmering gaze. “Vakarian,” he guessed firmly. 

“No, man, Shep- I mean.” James huffed out his scarred nose as he caught Kaidan’s meaning. “Yeah, Scars might have mentioned something.” Kaidan continued to watch his lover thoughtfully, letting James stumble on. “Last night. Over cards. And drinks.” 

“Well then. Yeah. Me and Shepard. What did you want to know?” Kaidan uncoiled, taking his feet off James’s bench. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” James arms were wide, confrontation written clear in every line of his body. 

“It was a long time ago. Besides, things are different now.” How Kaidan could be so damn _casual_ about it, James didn’t know. 

“I’m pretty sure that I’ve got a right to know stuff like that!” 

“Stuff like what? You tell me about every one of your old flames?” A warning rasped low in Kaidan’s voice. 

“This is different and, and you know it, K!” James’s cheeks were flushed with colour, and Kaidan unconsciously straightened up. 

“Different how? Because she’s our commanding officer?” Kaidan knew what was coming next, and felt his skin tighten, blood rushing to his amp, anger starting to get the better of him. 

“Because she’s she.” James’ shoulders were square but he couldn’t meet the older man’s eyes. 

“Ah.” Kaidan murmured it, clamping down on his anger with rigid discipline. “There it is.” He stood, chair legs squeaking against the shuttle deck floor.

“I think I’ll head back to the crew quarters tonight.” 

*** 

_I don’t know anything for certain_ , the turian had said, mandibles flaring in guilt when he realized he’d let slip something that Vega didn’t know. 

“They definitely spent the night together before that run at Ilos,” Garrus said. “And I was there on Horizon. The first time they saw each other since… well. You know.” 

And James, a strange churning in his gut that wasn’t entirely the booze, pushed Vakarian. “Actually. I don’t know.” 

Garrus, voice buzzing nervously, had continued against his better judgment. “It definitely wasn’t a reunion of two soldiers-in-arms, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m no expert on human body language, here, but they hugged one another.” He was starting to think he’d said too much. “Not that I was trying to listen but… well, you know how turian ears are.” 

“No Vakarian, I _don’t_ know how turian ears are.” James rumbled. 

“I don’t know if I - We easily distinguish low tones.” Garrus backtracked, looking at the growing belligerence in his friend’s eyes. “Ok. Shepard died, Kaidan hadn’t seen her in two years, and well. They just seemed really… close. You know.” 

“Let’s just pretend I don’t know _anything at all_ and you tell me exactly what happened, Vakarian.” Vega suddenly seemed stone-cold sober, and was starting to look downright thunderous. 

“I’m pretty sure he said her dying tore him apart.” Garrus stumbled on his words. “Something about them having… something. I’m pretty sure he said- he said he loved her.” 

James picked up his glass and knocked the whole thing back. “Right.” He picked up the cards. 

“You ok, Vega?” 

“I’m fine,” he said shortly. “It’s my deal.”


	2. James Remembers and Garrus Tries to Help

James had wondered if it was Anderson's idea of a joke to assign one borderline AWOL Lieutenant Vega to babysitting duty for the not-so-late and evidentially not-so-great Hannah Shepard Jnr. James had been mildly disgusted with himself for thinking, perhaps there was some kind of cosmic destiny swirling around him as he walked into that holding cell and lay eyes on her.

There was a little more wine-red hair pulled back in a tight up-do, and a few more scars not dissimilar to his own across her nose and cheek, but it was the same Shepard he remembered from the vids. 

_Just ask me about Cerberus_ , her dark eyes challenged. _Ask me about Bahak. Go on. Try me._

How could he tell her, a complete stranger, that he thought, maybe he understood? How could he tell that far from blaming her, there was an indescribable little wellspring of admiration inside him? 

How do you explain that hope was a sluggish stream, choked and blocked up, but fed by the waters of Shepard’s fearlessness, it was slowly becoming a gushing river once more? 

You certainly didn't say it those eyes, that curled lip, the face that looked like she was using her last strength to throw up a barrier, and hard, but that behind it all she was tired, so deeply, bone tired. 

Vega knew a little bit about doing what had to be done, and dealing with the consequences. In time, she'd come to hear that from him, maybe even to trust him, to let him call her Lola. But she looked at him that day and saw nothing but Alliance blues, just a man. Just someone else with whom she needed raised shields and a defensive stance. 

So much for meeting your idols. 

*** 

“Vega.” 

“Scars.” 

Garrus turned from his workbench to look at James as he walked into the main gunnery. 

“How did you know it was me?” 

“You marines walk like you’re trying to reshape the deck into your own meat headed image through sheer force of footfall. And you’re the only marine who comes to visit me.” 

James snorted. “But you’re so handsome and charming.” He leant against the console, arms crossed. 

“So, come talk about your size envy again, or something else I can help you with?” Garrus flicked his mandibles in a turian smile. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, the size means nothing if you don’t know how to handle it, and judging by the amount of _calibrations_ going on up here, you’ve got a bit of work to do before you get on my level.” 

Garrus laughed, a rattling grind of a sound. James wondered how much of the turian’s language and mannerisms were native to him, natural, and how much he had picked up and adapted to human contact. James certainly never felt like he had trouble understanding the subtleties of their communication. 

Garrus shifted against the console. It was as though he was listening in on James’ thoughts about body language, because he took one look at James’ closed posture and furrowed brow and asked, “What’s on your mind, kid?” 

“I asked Kaidan about the Commander." James said, grimacing as though the words hurt him. "You were right. They had… something.” 

“And you’re worried he still has feelings for her?” Garrus ventured. “She’s an incredible woman but I thought you and the Major were pretty solid. Seems that was from here, anyway.” 

James sighed. Words like “incredible woman” filled his head with a searing image of Shepard topless, lean thighs taut as she straddled _his boyfriend_. His stomach clenched. “We are. Were. I don’t know. I didn’t know he was into women. _Dios_.” He ground his hands against his eyes, desperate to banish the determined images. 

For the first time since his green days at C-sec, having his first real life contact with humans in the form of two belligerent duct rats, Garrus felt like he was floundering for the true meaning behind the words, trying to parse an alien friend having an alien problem. He took a stab once more. “And you’re… jealous that he’s been with other people?” 

“Nah man, neither of us are _that_ young, y’know and he’s got a few years on me too. It’s just doing my head in, thinking about him being straight.” 

Garrus, who’d been keeping half an eye on the console, turned his full body and attention to James. He was just now starting to feel downright stupid, despite his close attention. “I’m sorry… straight?” 

James had been moodily staring off into the middle distance. Slowly, he turned grey eyes on his alien friend. “You don’t know what straight means.” He said with flat realization. “Or gay.” 

“I-“ Garrus made an odd clicking noise, and noting the tightening of his face plates, James realized Garrus was embarrassed. 

“Hoo boy. We’re really talking another language here, aren’t we?” Garrus was silent, shifting his weight between talons. Was that a turian sign of discomfort, or was he unconsciously signaling his worry in terms James might understand? “You know how humans have men, and we have women? Genders, yeah?” 

_Am I really about to give the birds and the bees and the humans talk to a turian?_ James wondered, only letting his mouth twitch a little. Suddenly, in the face of Scars’ discomfort, his own worries came to a screeching halt. 

“That came up in our mandatory study of humans, yes.” Garrus said uncertainly. “Sexual dimorphism, particular pairings required for offspring… but surely neither you nor Shepard or Kaidan are interested in children anytime soon? There’s a war on.” 

James waved a large hand. “No no. Its just… for the most part human men are attracted to human women, yeah? And then some human men are attracted to men and women to women?” 

“Ye-es,” Garrus replied slowly, still looking very lost in a very human way. 

“And so…” James ploughed on, “People attracted to the _same_ gender as themselves are gay, or homosexual. That’s me.” 

“You’re a man who is attracted exclusively to other men.” Garrus clarified. 

“Yeah.” James quashed the image of Shepard’s brown eyes, her favourite dark shade of lipstick, contrasting with the bright gleam of her scarring that she was adamant about keeping. Both colours were defiant, in your face, just the way she liked. “People who are attracted to people who are… not the same gender as themselves, are straight. Or heterosexual.” 

Garrus made that clicking noise again. “So you must also have a word for people attracted to both, because that’s what Kaidan is. Not straight.” Damnit, did he have to be so _quick_?

“Urgh.” James covered his face with his hands. “Yeah. The word is _bisexual_.”

Garrus hummed thoughtfully. 

“Hold up, surely you and the commander have talked about this? I thought you two were… close.” 

“We’ve talked, yes, but Shepard is… Shepard. She’s somewhat unique, I suspect." Garrus said, somehow managing to sound even dryer than his usual arid tones. "Say, I was wondering… Do you have a word for humans attracted to aliens, too?” 

He looked up to see the turian grinning slyly. James laughed as he replied. “Yeah, I think the word is “Commander.”” 

As their laughter subsided, Garrus grew serious again. Shepard’s view of this sexuality thing had been far more in line with his own, barely worth discussing. Certainly nothing as horribly confusing as this. “You thought your parnter was “gay.” Turns out he’s not, he’s… bisexual.” Garrus looked at James for confirmation of this assessment, as he tried to get his feet back under him. 

“Yeah.” Vega nodded curtly, but he was grinding his teeth and looking almost unwell, like someone had swapped out his dinner for a dextro serving. He didn’t elaborate, and was now staring at Garrus’s booted feet. 

“And this upsets you because?” Garrus prompted hopelessly. 

“I-it’s just- _mierda_!” James flung his hands wide. “I don’t know, ok? How does it work with turians, man?” 

Garrus hummed. This really wasn’t his strong suit. He was no doctor, no diplomat. It wasn’t his job to understand it, let alone explain the finer points to a human. 

“We have…genders, I think. Like humans. Breeding only works when you have certain pairings, sure. But as far as attraction goes… sometimes I’m attracted to someone with whom I could breed, sometimes I’m not.” He shrugged, a gesture James knew for certain had been picked up through prolonged human company. “It’s considered kind of rude to be assessing a potential partner for breeding compatibly before you’re… intimate, anyway. Having a family, children… it’s not my main focus or priority.” He gestured aimlessly. “Sex and companionship is… fun.” 

“But surely that’s not the way it works across the board? And I’ve heard you talk about your sex life before. You say “she” and "her.”” James mouth twisted, not confrontational, but curious. The longer he could think about the secret life of turians, the longer it would be before he had to revisit the images of Shepard that were firmly lodged in his head. 

“Hmm. Perhaps a glitch of the translator chips? If your language can’t accommodate mine, it gives near approximations, as I understand it.” He watched James with growing sympathy. The poor kid was obviously distressed, coming to Garrus for advice, and not only was Garrus struggling to provide a solution to the problem, he didn’t have a frame of reference with which to even understand it. 

The two of them, human and turian, looked at each other, the hum of the ship beneath their feet, confusing buzzing in the air, and both burst out laughing. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help more!” Garrus cackled. 

“It’s ok, I don’t know why I thought you would be any help to begin with!” James gasped. His confusion hadn’t been alleviated at all, but somehow laughing with a friend over a chasm of misunderstanding still made him feel better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know James' definitions of sexuality lack a little nuance, but as the universe is presented, it seems we haven't made much progress on the whole gender binary thing, so I'm letting him define it in broad terms because I think that's probably how he thinks about it.


	3. James Can Avoid His Boyfriend (And Does!) But Somehow That Doesn't Help

When Staff Commander Alenko had become Major Alenko and disappeared out of James’ life, neither of them were surprised. No promises had been made.

James was happy for his friend and lover, but missed him during that time with a sharp ache sometimes that came unbidden, and James couldn’t look at a biotic field or smell the strange tang of eezo without thinking of him. Almost a year later James had been assigned to Alliance HQ in Vancouver, and the fact his first time Earthside in years was in Kaidan Alenko's home town was not lost on him.

James hadn't even known that Kaidan was back on Earth the day the Reapers attacked. It had been a punch to the gut, pacing after the quick moving Commander, rounding the corner to see Kaidan again.

 _It's good to see you_ , James thought about saying. _Missed you. Still think about you._ But it was neither the time nor the place, and his mind landed on the first safe thing he could think of. "You know the Commander?"

"Used to." Kaidan had said. James replayed the moment in his mind. The words took on a different meaning in light of what he now knew.

There hadn’t been time, and the race to Mars certainly wasn't the place, for all the things that James had wanted to say. The mission simply marched forward grimly, and when Eva Core smashed Kaidan’s head into the shuttle, James’ feet moved without thought or effort, a blanket of white noise in his ears. He’d managed three steps in the direction of Kaidan’s prone form when the Commander’s voice sliced through his borderline panic. “Grab that thing!” She ordered, pointing to Eva’s mobile unit.

It had taken a concerted effort to pull out of his rush to Kaidan’s side, but the Commander had given an order. He clamped down hard. The screaming in his ears was not allowed past his throat. He batted away thoughts like _please don’t be fucking dead, this wasn’t supposed to happen,_ and the worst, the one he wished he could take and crush between his fingers, was the thought _not you too_. The thought, however, was indelible, and pulsed in his mind as he knelt down to pick up the robot.

His whole body had burned with sick fear as he had watched Shepard do the same, strong and capable as she hauled Kaidan’s limp body over her shoulders. 

Before he'd felt like he could even blink, he was watching the Major, face bruised and bloody, wheeled off by total strangers.

There just hadn’t been _time_ , and James spent a sickening month wondering if there ever would be.

***

Despite the terror of their flight from Earth, it had been a thing of wonder to see Shepard back on the Normandy. He’d thought, maybe she was starting to open up to him back on Earth, but it was nothing like the change to her once they’d gotten into the air.

Perhaps it was more than just the Normandy. It was the reinstatement, dog tags and purpose back in hand in a single underhand toss from Admiral Anderson. Maybe it was the friends back by her side, thought their presence had been less than soothing initially for James. An asari, an unshackled AI and a pilot with a military history almost as sketchy as the Commander’s, made for strange company. 

But they were Shepard’s crew first and foremost. In their company and on board her ship, she seemed at ease for the first time since he’d met her.

James could have sworn it was an entirely new woman that had come to talk to him after Mars. She was no longer his charge, but instead his CO. He lived in a world where Shepard had died, and come back to life, but the human woman was so much more interesting than the legend.

He was still dealing with emotional whiplash from it all the first time he ventured a nickname.

“You come down here, to say something, or you just looking, Junior?” he asked, mid pull-up.

She stiffened, shoulder blades pulling taut together, and James instantly knew he’d made a mistake. Hannah Shepard, Jnr, wrapped one firm hard around his ankle, and _yanked_ him back down the floor. He fell in a crumpled heap on the ground at her feet. Dios, she was strong. She tilted her head dangerously as he clambered back to his feet and stood at attention.

“What did you call me?” She asked softly.

“I- uh! Nothing, Commander!”

“Someone’s read all the files, huh? You a fan? Familiar with my mother’s work?“ She stared up through her eyebrows at him and James resisted the urge to take a step back. He’d seen this kind of icy fury before, it had just never been directed at him.

“Yes! I mean. Oh jeez, I didn’t mean anything by it, Commander.” Deciding it was safer, he stared resolutely over her head, like dealing with an angry animal that would only be further incensed by eye contact. Fuck, he’d misjudged _badly._

_This is what you get for forgetting rank, James, for getting cozy with her, shit, sure she’s loosened up but she’s Commander fucking Shepard and fuck, if that airlock’s less than a few steps away I might end up spaced out of it._

His mental rundown of all the reasons he was the worst soldier on board was interrupted by something that sounded suspiciously like a snort. He dared a glance down to her face, and managed to just catch the Commander Shepard glower, the one that had men and aliens alike melting into the floor in terror, as it dissolved into a smirk.

She had _laughed._

“At ease, Lieutenant,” she stepped back, pulling the plug on the tension. He felt dizzy as it swirled away.

Shepard took pity on him.

“Relax, Vega.” She wandered over to his bench and examined it, pose relaxed. “If you’d called me Junior at sixteen I probably would have knocked your teeth in. These days?” She shrugged.

“But you are a Junior, right?” he asked, still half expecting that teeth knocking any moment now.

“Sure, but who likes to be reminded of that? Growing up, it’s like people couldn’t let me forget it, especially not her. _I expect great things from you, Hannah Shepard junior, big shoes to fill_ , rah rah rah. For a while I was doing my very best to make sure _that_ never happened.” Shepard shook her head. “We were all shits at sixteen though, I suppose.”

Well, James couldn’t argue with that.

“So… what changed?” he ventured.

Shepard looked at him thoughtfully, probably trying to gauge his intent. “I grew up. Grew up rather quickly, actually. And when you’ve spent the vast majority of your teen years trying to piss off your mothers, you get to a certain age and realize you don’t have a lot of options. Career in the military, bone tossed to by your mother, starts to seem like a pretty good idea.”

It had been a trick question, of course. James had probably shown his hand by calling her Junior, but he knew Shepard’s story, and was wondering how much she’d tell him, what the woman behind the story was actually like.

Turned out she was the kind of woman who downplayed her astronomically fast rise through the ranks, N7 before she was 28. Belligerent teen attitude aside, she must have picked up a few things from a youth spent dragged around by Captain Hannah Shepard.

Turned out Shepard was a woman who’d play her cards pretty close to her chest; She wasn’t the kind of person to bare all, to tell him about Captain Hannah Shepard’s wife, Naomi. About how Naomi was an engineer subjected to the same constant relocation, following her partner to wherever the Alliance needed her. The records didn’t say much more than that Naomi had died, and suddenly, just before Hannah Shepard Junior’s 18th birthday. They didn’t really need to say more than that. 

If that was all she wanted to give him, he wasn’t about to push.

“I had to make my peace with the legacy, of course. Hannah Senior was just fucking _chuffed_ about the whole Commander thing.” She smiled, something James would almost call fondness playing at the edge of her mouth. “She’s alright. I realized somewhere along the way I couldn’t go round punching out the teeth of anyone who mentions her, as much as I’d like. But James?”

“Yes?”

“Find a new nickname.”  
He laughed, and even then, before this mess he’d gotten himself into, he thought he’d never quite met anyone so adept at keeping him off balance. “Yes ma’am.”

“That’ll work for now,” she’d laughed.

“Well then, _ma’am_.” he had shot back, unable to keep the tease out of his voice despite the Commander having just decked him. “Think you can talk and dance at the same time?” Maybe he was just a sucker for punishment.

***

James remembered when word had come through; Kaidan had recovered. Kaidan was to be the next human Spectre. Kaidan was coming back to serve on the Normandy, and that piece of ostensibly cheerful news meant James found himself nursing a whole new host of fears.

What if the freshly minted Spectre didn’t want to have anything to do with James? What if he thought the whole thing was a mistake?

He remembered how his guts roiled as he looked up from his bench to see Kaidan. He’d come down to the ‘bay, not a few hours after getting aboard. As if he was seeking James out. Wanted to see him, to talk to him.

“Hey.” Kaidan said, with almost a shrug and a helpless smile, as if acknowledging how woefully inadequate that was. 

“Lookin’ good, K.” James offered. There had been a flood of words he’d been _desperate_ to say to the other man, and suddenly that was all he could think of.

Kaidan glanced upward. “Missed you,” he said, mostly to the ceiling. He pulled a breath in through his nose, steeling himself. “Still think about you.”

They’d barely spent a night apart since. If there had been other people in their year apart, neither asked nor seemed to care. It had been simple, almost too easy to fall back into each other's bed.

They’d had just had enough time together, whatever their _thing_ was, for it to start to feel solid again, as though it had form, easily held and polished in his hands.

James now felt like there were jagged cracks all through it. He’d spent the day avoiding Kaidan, head full of unbidden thoughts of Commander Shepard. Little Lola who wasn’t really little at all but a giant in his eyes, beautiful and deadly, and of course he’d never thought about how that beauty could be sexual until now.

He’d always thought of her as beautiful in the same way the Normandy was, or the curve of Earth as the sun came up when you were in orbit; incredibly striking, sometimes fearsome but, well, he didn’t want to fuck the curve of the planet or the Normandy’s Thanix, and he’d never really thought about the Commander like that either. Sure, he flirted, but he'd never thought about her lips against his, what it would be like to kiss the line of her throat, trail fingers across her the sharp line of her collarbone and down to her... breasts, which were small, he could tell, and probably all the only soft lines on the whole of Shepard's body.

She'd be the kind of person who bit into her partner's lips, dug hard nails into his arms as he slid his tongue over one taut nipple... he'd never thought that about _any_ woman. It just wasn’t his thing.

Until now. Fuck, he was in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in case you couldn't tell, a huge inspiration for this story was the "straight except for you" trope we see explored in M/M slash all the time. I wanted to do both a role reversal and subversion, so don't worry. I promise James isn't going to keep being an utter cad about it.


	4. Surprisingly, It Wasn't James Who Suggested They Talk About Sex Over Beers; It Was Tali.

"Vega?"

"Mm?"

Tali rested her hands on the not-inconsiderable flare of her hips and glared at him.

"You're... you're hovering."

"What? No, I'm not!"

"Look, I bought that my repair protocols are better than yours, but your omni's all fixed. I found some heavy things I needed you to lift, and I’m not arguing that you haven’t been mildly helpful, but I'm out of things for you to do, and you're _still hovering._ "

He hung his head. "Okay, okay. I've got... if you don't mind. I wanted to ask you something. Something kinda personal."

Tali gave an exasperated sigh. Filtered through her speaker, it was a rattling whoosh, far louder than it should have been. "Is this another one of those _ask the alien creepy questions about what's under the suit_ things-" James raised his hands against the heat of her words, "because I _told_ Donelly that the extranet would answer his questions-"

"No, no, nothing like-"

"Or one of those _answer all my annoying questions about quarian culture_ that no amount of threats seem to discourage Garrus from-" James started to look a little guilty at this, "And I keep telling Joker if he just asked Edi she could just show him what we look like naked and there would be zero shotguns involved."

James lowered his hands slowly. "I'm sorry, you're right, Sparks. You've got better things to do."

He looked so diminished by her tirade that Tali almost felt sorry for him. "You're pathetic." she said fondly, with a shrug that travelled all through her shoulders and ended with a disparaging little flick of her arms, and once again James noted that she still somehow managed to be hugely expressive, despite the only part of her face visible to him was the outline of her eyes.

Feeling thoroughly dismissed, he turned to slouch off toward the lift.

"Question for question, drink for drink." She said to his retreating back.

"Huh?" he paused, hopeful.

"If we're going to play that game, I need some drinks. And you have to answer my questions, too."

He straightened, looking boyishly hopeful.

Tali waved her hand. "Tonight, ok? Right now, I have work to do!"

***

"Edi, do you think it would bother people if we locked the door?" Tali asked as the door to Starboard Observation slid shut behind her and James

"Not at all, Tali' Zorah. I can open the doors and play music in both the quarters and the port lounge to make people less inclined to notice you've even capitalized on this space."

"Thank you, Edi." Tali plonked a bottle of some strange greyish liquid on the bar, and started building something, omnitool spitting out components at a rapid pace.

James eyed her work suspiciously before taking down a beer from the fridge. Being on the most prestigious ship in the universe came with benefits, more than just the flashiest missions and sweetest stealth system.

"What are you making?" he asked her.

"External filter system." She replied shortly, hands busy.

"Doesn't your suit handle that?"

"Not with alcohol. On board systems classify alcohol as a poison and filter it. I have to improvise." She tilted her chin up in a little motion of pride, little clicking noises coming from her deft construction. "Garrus helped source the booze, but it still has a little way to go before it's safe for me."

"That's a lot of work to get drunk."

She didn't look up from her assembly as she shot back, "There's a lot of work for you to get drunk too, it's just that it all comes pre-assembled for humans on a human ship." She looked pointedly at the drink in his hand. "So, my turn. Why do human kiss, anyway?"

James chuckled. "Oh, that counted as a question, did it?"

"Actually, I'm being nice. I think you got two!" With a clunk of final piece slotting into place and a slight flourish, she finished the filter.

James rubbed the back of his neck. "Isn't there an extranet article for this?" he teased. He slid into the bar stool next to Tali.

"Stop stalling, Vega. Get to the goods."

He peered across the bar thoughtfully, seeking an easy answer in the bottles lined up there. He thought of Kaidan, of a quick brush of lips in greeting, of tongues in a wet, rough slide. He thought of kisses that were rough and mashed your teeth up against your lips but you only wanted _more_ and _harder._ He thought about the comfort of the familiar, the taste of someone new, of that dense little thrill at the touch of foreign lips to yours.

He thought about Shepard.

"We do it because it's nice. Because it feels good." he answered, barely skimming the surface of that mad rush of thoughts. It wasn’t that he felt he couldn’t talk to Tali; he just couldn’t find the words.

Tali gave one of her mic-fizzing sighs. "I suppose I literally asked for that." She successfully poured herself a shot through the constructed filter. "It sounds gross. And dangerous. Like you'd get sick." Her voice was plaintive, but edged with curiosity, like she wanted to be told she was wrong.

"It is, I guess. And we can make each other sick. But sometimes it's worth it, eh?"

"I suppose so," she said doubtfully.

"So you've never... how does it... do you..." James made a face.

"You going to pick a question, Vega?" she asked dryly. He found his words, eventually, and then steadily lost them one by one, leaving a trail of conversation behind them as they hit the drinks, and slowly, given just a little more lubrication, the real questions.

There was no rules or agenda set down, but by unspoken synthesis, some topics were not on the cards for tonight. Earth. Reapers. Rannoch. The Morning War.

Legion. James had heard enough about death, even if it was in some ways, a poignant rebirth. He didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to drag Tali there either. They were here more for the mundane, the simple realities of their lives, and they happily fed each other’s curiosities.

James was entirely disgusted by the blow by blow of Tali's suit's excretion and extraction processes, but she spoke about it with such candor that he couldn’t help but find it endearing. She was a strange mix of bubbling enthusiasm and world weary cynicism. She was still so young, but like all of them, forced to grow up fast by factors well outside her control.

He could relate.

James answered questions as best he could about human childhood, about his tattoos. He let her run her rubbery fingers through the stubble on his head and she let him touch, reverentially, her face plate. His fingers were delicate, respectful as he traced the seals around the edge. This close, he could see the outlines of her nose, lips and always those narrow, glowing eyes, crinkling in what he hoped was a smile.

“How did you and Kaidan… happen?” There was that naivety, that sweet and open curiosity. James looked at her, tinted purple glass just starting to bleed into boozy, indistinct edges, and he tried to explain.

"I don't know. It- it just did. He was just this hot-ass fuckin' LT who rocked up on Benning when I was stationed there. That was back when the Alliance was still giving Shepard the cold shoulder on the whole “disappearance via giant bug” thing. Their line was that batarians were the biggest bullies on the playground, would you believe?” James laughed bitterly. For him to have been stationed on Benning instead of fighting the collectors, especially after Fehl Prime, made his bile rise. Shepard simply gotten down to being a big damn hero, completely shucking the Alliance to get it done, and James felt sick with shame thinking about it. He wasn’t even half the soldier Shepard was.

Had Kaidan known that Shepard was alive then? James couldn’t remember, and somehow didn’t want to figure it out.

“And he was quiet, but he was _intense_ , like you wouldn't believe, and he just kept... looking at me, y'know? I thought I was gonna catch it. He was in a separate division, a biotics training thing, so technically we weren't even serving together, and think that's the only thing that made it ok, in his head, when we got together."

It definitely wasn't Tali's turn, but she asked anyway. "What do you mean, made it ok?"

"Rules, you know. Anti-fraternization stuff. Alliance stuff." There was protocol, of course, but no one was dragging anyone in for court martial over what had started as a few quick handjobs in the showers. It had been a rough coming-together than neither of them acknowledged past secretive glances in the ‘mess the next day, though worries about catching grief from the higher ups were slightly alleviated when you were fucking one of the higher ups in question.

It had been wild, and messy, risky, but neither man had seemed able to help himself. It had been Kaidan hacking locks to appear to malfunctioning, subtly re-arranging schedules. It seemed simpler to just think of themselves as just fuck buddies, but the one time they’d had leave together and managed it in a real bed, both men quietly acknowledged something they’d known for awhile; they’d reached a point of no return. It hadn’t even been the sex, for James. It had been falling asleep together, chest curved into a warm back and hand lightly scratching through the dark hair of Kaidan’s chest.

Tali nodded. "I find it so strange that you can just... do that. Without having to think about it for weeks in advance, to plan logistics and medicines and sickness. It sounds... it sounds nice," she slurred a little on the last word, watching him wistfully.

"Yeah. Nice is right. We had a few good months there, though we kept it quiet for a bunch of reasons." He sipped his drink. He'd ditched the beers about six questions ago and the white light over the bar glinted his whiskey.

"My turn, eh?" He was feeling good, feeling light headed, though he felt a little eddying whirlpool start up in his gut when he realised now was the perfect time for the damn question that had him set up this meeting, this little boozy Q&A in the first place.

"Listen... are there gay quarians?"

If Tali's sigh earlier had been like a gust of wind, the sound of her blowing in her speaker this time could have easily signaled the start of a cyclone.

"Yes. There are gay quarians." Her voice sounded tight, despite the sizeable amount of purified turian booze she'd imbibed.

"Whoah, c'mon, can I have more than that?"

"Fine." She said shortly, though James got the feeling the attitude wasn't about him. "I explained before, about the suit linking. Well." She jerked her head to one side. "It takes time, you know, it takes _resources_ and _expertise_ to link suits. I mean, most don't need help, but some do and the point is, it's really hard to keep private. And then there are _some_ people who think it’s their job to know the undertakings of who’s linking suits with whom."

James felt the happy buzz he'd been nursing subside. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"And of course, some people don't find it appropriate that we should link suits, should be intimate, if there isn't any chance of procreation. So we get meddling _bosh'tets_ , sticking their noses in where they don't belong, making it very difficult for some quarians to just live their lives, without hurting anyone." Tali shrugged her shoulders in an agitated jerk, as though trying to throw invisible hands off her.

"I thought you said quarians aimed for a stable population, one kid per family n' all that. What does procreation have to do with it? Surely it would make it easier if there were some people not makin' babies?"

"That all sounds terribly logical, James, and everyone seems to have a mysterious aural input malfunction in their suit when you point it out. It's not even about procreation. It's about the fleet." She looked at him, body open and earnest. "They say that I'm not thinking about the fleet. And maybe I'm not. But when I think, that I could have had that intimacy, those experiences you have... I don't think it's harmful to want to be able to touch, to feel someone you love. How could that possibly endanger the fleet?”

She peered into her drink. James didn’t need to see her face to see she was deeply troubled.

"Since my father… when I was exiled. I’ve stopped bothering to feel guilt, to worry I’m being selfish. That its not for _the good of the fleet_.” She waved her hands next to her face as she spoke the last line, a mocking imitation. “If they didn’t want me, then I’m not going to keep quiet about it, like a good little daughter. I want to help people, people who have to pretend to be something their not. I supposed it's just one more reason why they hated to bring me back on board for the war.”

He half wanted to push the questions. Are you male and female? Gay and straight? Maybe something more complex, like Garrus; but even James most of the way to drunk wasn't a complete asshole, and on this one, he could can the curiosity. So he tried to bring the mood back up. "You, telling the admirals where to stick it? I can't see that at all."

She laughed as she ran another shot through her purifier, and her next comment came out quieter. "It's one of the reasons I followed Shepard, you know. Not just that I admired her. That I know this kind of thing, that... narrow-mindedness... is something she'd never stand for. I wanted to be more like her."

"Wanted to? What do you want now?" James asked curiously.  
  
"I want to be more like her and more like, _on_ her, too." Tali laughed at herself, at her boldness. "Just a little crush, as you would say."

"Yeah, well, get in line, _chiquitita_." He said without even thinking.

They lapsed into thoughtful silence, even though James expected her to be outraged, to be shocked, to say something. Instead, when she spoke, her voice was soft, a comforting buzz in his ear.

"What happened with you and the Major? Is that why you are fighting?"

"That was two questions."

"Shut up and answer it, Vega." She looked at him, faceplate straight on, and he watched for the glint, the crinkling of her eyes as she smiled.

"Yeah. We're fighting coz he didn't tell me... about him and Shepard. At first I was mad, and now I'm just... I don't even know what we're fighting about now."

Tali reached over and poured the last of the bottle into James' glass. "I'm no expert here, but maybe you should talk to him?"

James's mouth twitched in a smile. It was starting to look that way. " _Talking?_. No way, what kind of advice is that? Sounds way too smart."

"Well, I’ve never had a relationship and sex might literally kill me. So if you can't trust my advice, who can you trust?"

James laughed. Here he was, guts curling in anxious little pellets every time he thought about his big secret, his sudden crisis of self, and Tali didn't even bat a single eyelid. If she had eyelids, that is. _Dios_ , was it really going to be that simple?

He looked over at Tali, who was pouring her last shot. She lifted the glass, expectant tilt to her head.

"Cheers to that, Sparks," he said, and smiled as they clinked glasses.

***

Tali's advice was only confirming what he already knew, in his heart of hearts, but he still hoped for one more flash of insight. He went looking for one more reason to put this whole thing off. The doors to Liara’s office had barely slid open before she greeted him

“Hello, James.”

“Hey Doc, how’s it going?” The fact that Liara had probably known it was him at the door unsettled him. Liara in general could unsettle him. It wasn’t the biotics (Lord knows he was fine with that.) It wasn’t that she was an asari, though some days he thought that was a heartache he could do without. It wasn’t even that he found her beautiful, even before this recent Shepard mess. It was that she was always watching.

She turned away from her console and smiled, though he always thought she looked anxious. She breathed deeply, and without preamble, spoke.

“The asari do not really ascribe to any notions of gender, despite human beliefs that we are women. Our reproductive systems do resemble human women in many ways, though trust me, that was not a concept native to our species until alien contact. We understand gender now and through prolonged cultural transfer with binary gendered species, some asari even find themselves more strongly drawn to the label _man_ or _woman_. There is no pattern for most asari sexual and romantic attraction that has any analogous comparison with human words like gay or straight, though we do have words for asari who are attracted only to a single species or with a strong preference for asari partnerships. Not all of these words are kind.”

James stared.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Liara stepped back. “That is what you came in for, isn’t it? Asking all the non-humans aboard if they would share their views on gender, and human notions of sexuality?” Her brow furrowed.

James managed a single swallow and got to perhaps _think_ about replying before she spoke again.

“I just sought to speed the process. I know it can be a sensitive topic and thought I would just bite the thermal clip, as you say. I do hope I haven’t overstepped.” She smiled again, earnest.

“No, Doc, you’re… you’re good.” James was pretty sure his brain was going to get up to speed with the rest of him any second now.

“I’ve so much to do, you see.” Her body turned slightly, as though magnetically drawn back to the console.

“Yeah. I’ll… I’ll leave you to it, yeah?”

She beamed. “Do drop by again.”

Glyph practically bounced over to see a reeling James Vega out. “I look forward to your next visit, Lieutenant Vega.”

He barely even realized he’d walked out before he heard the door slid shut behind him.

Well, so much for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only mildly sorry about using this story as a vehicle to get all my feels about alien gender and sexuality out. I have more thoughts about Quarians, but there wasn't a good way to work them in.


	5. This Time, Getting in Trouble is a Team Effort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole story heavily explores biphobia, but this chapter is particular bad for it. Stay safe, friends.

The Normandy was 36 hours out from the Citadel when the orders came through; Lieutenant Vega and Major Alenko, gear up for a planetside mission, shuttle launch in two hours. It was a simple undertaking, the briefing outlined. Just a quick detour to pick up some ex-Cerberus scientists, defectors to the side of the Alliance.

James wasn’t superstitious. It was a common enough ground team, James told himself, ignoring the unease that bubbled up at the sight of the three names, blinking orange against the screen. Tali's advice aside, he'd still managed to not even be in the same _room_ as Kaidan, let alone talk to him.

And Shepard... well.

James had geared up with the Commander what felt like hundreds of times. He’d watched over her on Earth. On board the Normandy, countless hours had passed of him busy at his shuttle bay haunt to the background noise of her doing circuits round the lower deck. She ran hotter than most, she’d told him once, as if to justify her sparse workout gear, and lean frame dripping with sweat. She would commandeer his chin up bar and loudly count at him, bare, flat stomach right at his eye level as she laughed her way through reps, until James downed tools and joined her, giving her a run for her money.

All that, and he'd never felt the burning embarrassment, the conflicted heat, that he felt in prep for that mission. He helped the Commander with her armor. Little whirring pneumatic hisses filled the air as he passed her piece by piece, his fingertips never once coming into contact with skin, but almost itching to do so.

She could sense it too, he swore. He could see it in the critical once over she gave him, the curt dismissive nod as she was fully outfitted.

His assistance was, only mildly more hands-on with the Major. He clicked the back plate onto Kaidan, buckles responding to the contact and fastening in. He slithered a hand through the plating gaps, brushing his bare hand over the highly conductive black material underneath. He squeezed Kaidan's shoulder.

"You didn't come visit me last night," James murmured, not wanting the conversation to penetrate to Shepard's ears as she hummed over her armory.

Kaidan's lips thinned in frustration. "Is now really the time?" he replied shortly.

"Yeah, I suppose not," James slid his hand again Kaidan's broad back, clicking several more pieces into place with fluid ease, the familiar motions stirring an ache in his chest. He hated that things weren't ok with them. He hated that, in a way, it was his fault.

It was an easy mission, or at least it should have been. The scientists and civilian team were waiting for the Alliance squad in the settlement. By their account, a faction of scientists had actually _poisoned_ the Cerberus guard detail on the settlement, slowly introducing neurotoxins into specific food supplies, secretly messaging the Alliance in order to get the whole team out and under protection.

"Huh. Well done.” Shepard cradled the retracted sniper as she spoke, eyes still constantly alert even as her pose communicated relaxation to the to the skittish civilians. “Sounds like your team has done the job for us. Not expecting any resistance, but we'll keep alert as we head back to the drop point." She gestured for the two men to take the lead. "Move out. Let's not let Cortez get bored."

It was a brutal tale, and Shepard mused on it as she brought up the rear, watchful eye over the meek little lambs between her and her two squad mates on point. They threaded through the pre-fab settlement back to the shuttle.

Frieda, the scientist-cum-ringleader who’d spoke with Shepard, had been hard-eyed as she’d explained it. The science team, biologists and neuroscientists large amongst their number, had been required to act as though they’d wanted to _help_ the Cerberus soldiers as they took ill. Shepard was familiar with the poison they’d used; there would have been fits, nightmares, bleeding, before death. It would have been awful.

Other people, more pure, more idealistic, might have their stomachs turned by what had happened here. Even some of the scientists who’d bought their own freedom with violence were clearly discomforted by it.

Shepard was not. She understood.

Kaidan and James were musing over no such thing, both marching in icy silence, until James, earlier advice abandoned, feigned relaxation and asked, "So, were you ever going to tell me?" He kept his voices low so as not to be overheard.

"Shit, man." Kaidan grimaced. "What exactly is it about women that you find so horrible?"

"I don't- that's not what this is about!" Vega spluttered, grip tightening on his rifle. “Bullshit.” Boots crunched on gravel, and it was starting to become obvious to the tailing scientists that tension crackled in the hushed conversation. Kaidan didn't get mad easily, but anything impugning either Shepard or the time they had together just seemed to get him right in a sensitive spot, and if this strange prickly attitude James was radiating wasn't Shepard-related, he'd eat his armor.

"I just think that-"

_CRAAA-AK-AK_

The area disruptor round caught them both in the back, shorting a huge section of Kaidan's barrier, the resulting kinetic crash flinging him forward into the dirt. A third of the scientists, Cerberus loyalists, pulled weapons, some popping blue barriers with a sharp noise, blue energy roiling where a scant moment before, there had been nothing but the sound of footsteps.

Vega's shield deflected as much as it could from a hail of bullets as he dragged the Major to cover, finally overloading just in time for him to cop a single final round through the meat of one shoulder. Kaidan's face was bloodied from the impact with the ground, but he was conscious, hand on weapon and crackling blue before Vega even let him go.

The fight was short and messy, mostly only redeemed by the Commander, who fizzed out of existence the moment all hell broke loose, taking down enemies with close and brutal efficiency, finishing the fight, as was her way, before it even had a chance to really begin.

***

In the end, between the Cerberus loyalists who were put down and the scientists caught in the crossfire, they only saved around ten people. Moods were grim back on the Normandy. Dr Chakwas was overseeing the Lieutenant and Major laid flat in the med pods, sharp grey eyes watching the feed of data down her omnitool.

The door opened with a whoosh to reveal the Commander, de-suited, showered and radiating fury in her Alliance fatigues.

"How are they, Doctor?" she asked shortly.

"They'll be fine." Chakwas, satisfied that everything was operating as it should, clicked off her omnitool. Kaidan's injuries hadn't been too bad, though painful, blood oozing down his face and half his cheek embedded with souvenirs from the planet's surface, mostly gravel.

It was James that had been the real worry. The first puncture into his armor must have shorted diagnostics in his suit, because they were beginning docking procedure before they'd even realized he'd taken a second shot to the thigh. He'd been numb to it, bleeding steadily into his pressure suit the whole time. By the time they'd docked, James was pale and slipping into unconsciousness. The team waiting for their return had hurried to tear him out of his armor, and the resulting mess caused both Kaidan and Shepard's stomachs to swoop with fear. His whole leg and suit inside had been soaked with dark blood.

"Conscious?"

"Yes, the most painful repairs are done. Major Alenko only had a broken nose."

"I'm fine, Commander." Kaidan interjected.

"Good. Lieutenant Vega? You with me?" The gleaming arm of the med pod retracted and James sat up, groaning.

"Yes, Commander."

Shepard shot a look at the Doctor, so quick the two men missed it, sharply arched brows, a questioning twitch. Chakwas nodded her approval.

"Ok, you're up, and awake enough to listen to me." Shepard couldn't help it. She started to pace.

"I've mostly ignored what's going on between you. _Don't_ you even think about interrupting me, Alenko." Shepard raised her hand as Kaidan opened his mouth. "Mostly because I don't give a shit. My time away from the Alliance helped me learn a lot of things, one of which is that those fraternizing rules are bullshit, and I for one am hardly in any position to be enforcing them." Chakwas just caught herself before she snorted.  

"As far as the Alliance is concerned, this is my ship, and my rules. They want to try and tell me different, they can go hang." Shepard looked from Kaidan to James, both men still pale from their bodies being brutally forced through enhanced reparation. Judging by the pull of Kaidan's shoulders, he was minutes away from a desperate headache. They needed food, and they needed rest.

She pushed on. _She_ needed to get this said.

"So when Kaidan started spending every minute of his off-duty cycle with his boots on your weapons bench, even though I know no one else would get away with that, and when your little berth down there grew a bigger bed and both of you stopped spending any time in the crew quarters at all, I _ignored_ it because _I don't give a shit_." Kaidan and James glanced at each other. Absolutely nothing went down on the Normandy without this woman knowing, did it?

"We're looking down the barrel of a war that _none_ of us might make it out of, and I'm not about to tell you that you can't have happiness wherever you can find it, you hear me?" She paused, breathing heavily through her nose.

"But you two nearly got yourselves into serious trouble on a simple escort mission because of your inattentiveness, and that is not the kind of thing I, as your Commander, as your goddamn friend, can let slide. I don't know if you noticed, but it's only going to get nastier, and messier and uglier from here on in."

There had been a tremble in her words that had been very un-commander like, and Kaidan noted the way she visibly fought back to some semblance of her usual steely control. "If you two don't sort out whatever shit is going on between you, you are _going to get someone killed_. And I can't have that, not over something so _stupid,_ so _insignificant,_ as your goddamn love lives. Understood?" She didn't even wait for them to respond, just whirled on her heel and out of the med bay.

Chakwas was already crowding in, drawing a dose for the ashy faced Kaidan. Shepard was right, of course, and Kaidan especially should have known better. His brows were knitted together in guilt even as his migraine started to hit him in full force.

***

Rahna may have been his first kiss, and his first love, but that still left a whole lot of firsts unaccounted for.

The honour had gone to a guy called Seamus, a backpacker at his Aunt’s farm and it wasn’t like Kaidan was in love or planning dating the guy, but it felt good at the time. After coming back from BAat, Kaidan had done a lot of doing things simply because they felt good at the time.

So what if he wasn’t in love? He’d still wanted someone to understand, and when he explained about Rahna, Seamus had given him a strange look that turned out to have nothing to do with the biotics or the hot blooded murder, but that he’d wanted to laugh, he told Kaidan later, and tell him that he’d have to pick a side eventually.

Kaidan had nearly rolled his eyes, because people didn’t really believe that, did they?

Apparently they did, because it was less than a year later when a dark haired girl (perhaps he didn’t have a favourite but who are we without our _types)_ at a bar asked him which he preferred, girls or guys. He laughed and answered best he could, humoring her despite feeling the unpleasant stirring of anger.

There’d been a guy, shore leave in the Alliance, who had literally moaned with his dick in Kaidan’s mouth that he couldn’t _possibly_ be bi, no bi guy gave head like that, and Kaidan felt frustrated and destabilized, as people determinedly chipped away at a foundation he’d always felt relatively comfortable on.

It was no wonder, really, that he hadn’t told James about the Commander, about much of anything of his romantic history, because he’d been avoiding that fiasco, that further erosion. There would be the inevitable questions, always the edge of outright mocking. Kaidan just wanted to pretend like James didn’t care, that he was one of the good ones. As long as Kaidan never brought it up, it could continue being his truth, and James wouldn’t react… well, exactly the way he had.

Perhaps he wasn’t being fair on James. The Lieutenant wasn’t stupid, or narrow minded, far from it. In the time that they’d spent together, Kaidan had started to piece it together from his quiet observation. James wasn’t a meathead, but he certainly liked people to think he was. He could be thoughtless, and definitely reckless, but he always knew when to tease or sympathize, when the joke had gone too far.

Maybe he would come round, and riding out his migraine in the quiet of life support, Kaidan hoped against hope that James could be the first one to properly accept him for who he was.

***

Hannah Shepard Junior was agonizing, fuming as she tried to write a reply to a Turian dreadnought captain. He was just another in a long string of officers who for some reason thought that it was her job to prove herself before they'd come to heel, order from Turian brass aside. On top of the shitstorm that had been today, Shepard was ready to throttle or fuck something, and her console was providing a most unsatisfactory victim. She sighed, tilting her head back.  

Her omni tool beeped - _Can I come up? - MAlenko_

What could she say? The man had impeccable timing _._ The dreadnought captain would still be there in the morning, and besides, mediating staff problems was just as important, right? Shepard was never really off duty, as such, but maybe should could call it a day.

Shepard grinned at herself, closing the console, and shot off an affirmative to Kaidan.

Kaidan had barely settled in with a glass of whiskey, his pallor looking improved though still wan, Shepard noted, before she got straight to the point.

"Listen, about today-"

"It's ok, Shepard. You were right, and we've been out of line. I just- maybe it's time to end things. Maybe it's all too complicated."

Shepard looked at him, long and hard. Their friendship still wore the cracks and dents from her year with Cerberus. _You betrayed me,_ he’d said. _The past is done,_ she'd snapped on Horizon. It was hard to come back from that, but god, were they trying.

"That's not what I want and you know it." Shepard leant forward, forearms on knees. "He ok?"

"Yeah, Chakwas has still got him. He lost a lot of blood." Kaidan's lips pressed together hard. "When they pulled him out of that suit..."

"I know." They looked at each other silently, worst case scenarios flying wildly between them.

"It never gets any easier, does it." Kaidan said, already shaking his head.

"Seeing your friends like that? No." She reached over to squeeze his shoulder without even thinking about it. "But it's ok. He's ok."

Kaidan closed his eyes and leant into the comforting grip. This was… this was nice.

"What were you two fighting over that was worth the broken nose, anyway?" she asked, shifting away, breaking whatever the moment had been.

Kaidan laughed, rubbing the bridge of his newly-repaired nose. "We've been fighting about... you, actually. Garrus told James about... you and me. Our history."

"Is that so?" She looked at him, tilting her head, and Kaidan felt his whole world wrench a little as Shepard let her eyes half close, leaning back, body language suddenly inviting. When Hannah Shepard was flirting with you, you felt it tingling through the entire room, scratching trimmed nails down your back. "What's the matter, he can't handle a little... competition?"

"Ha! No, not that. I just don't think he realized I, you know. Swing both ways." Suddenly Kaidan felt warm, too warm. This was _not_ where he’d anticipated this conversation going.

She hummed in understanding. "Ah yes. I'd forgotten that there were people who felt... rigidly about that kind of stuff." Kaidan knew for a fact that Shepard swung every which way. The woman liked company, and wasn't picky where she found it. Though he did wonder if those rumors about her and Garrus were true.

"Yeah, he's rigid about it alright. Blew his mind a little bit when he found out."

"Re-ally?" she drew out the word, watching him closely. "I think I know of a few other things that might blow his mind."

"Shepard-" Kaidan warned, seeing the playful light dance in her eyes. "I don't even think he's been with a women before."

"Even better!" She declared. "No bad habits to un-learn then. Clean slate." She chuckled knowingly, and Kaidan felt the familiar squeeze of lust in his gut. For a long time he wasn't sure if it was still there with the Commander, if perhaps too much had passed between them, too much time, too many hurtful words. But if her mischievous smile and low laugh as she joked about _seducing his boyfriend_ was anything to go by, the spark between them was anything but dead.

"Shepard!" he grumbled, though his mouth was curling up at the edges despite himself.

"What? He's a good looking guy! I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about it. And when I found out _you_ were hitting that, well! The mental images, phew!" She mockingly fanned her face. "I didn't think you had it in you! That mental image has been fueling _my_ evenings alone for sure! You've done well, Major!"

With that, Kaidan put his face in his hands, unable to fight it back anymore, and utterly dissolved into undignified, rasping laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, there's a disappointing lack of action in this chapter, but this is the first time I've tackled _actual_ action, you know, the kind that isn't sex, and if you have (gentle, kindly) criticisms of the fight scenes, I'd gladly have it. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading.


	6. A Long Awaited Conversation and A Really Bad Idea

Chakwas messaged Kaidan to let him know that James had been released from her care. Even if she hadn't previously known the nature of their relationship, Kaidan’s behavior that afternoon had clued her in. He’d managed to hover in the med bay, even despite the migraine, and Chakwas had to shoo him way, promising to message him updates. So hearing the news, Kaidan left Shepard's cabin, boarded the lift and shot straight down to the shuttle bay.    

He hadn't planned for things to get heated when he shucked his clothes and climbed into their modded cot, just wanted to feel the length of his body pressed against James, to hold onto him tight and be grateful for one more near miss. He wasn't expecting anything sexual, given that practically half of James's bloodstream was currently pumping a synthetic replacement fluid. The process was deemed medically sound but everyone knew, the more of it they poured into you, the more rotten you would feel.

So when he pressed warm lips into the back of James' neck, it was merely the comfort of contact Kaidan was seeking, nothing more. He certainly didn't expect James to turn over suddenly, kissing him fiercely, nearly knocking over the bed with the force of movement. He half-crushed the Major's body under his, bulk of him pressing Kaidan down in the mattress.    

"I'm so glad you're ok." James hissed against Kaidan's mouth.   

"Me? You're the one who-" but he didn't even get to finish, James kissing roughly into his mouth again, hands tugging at the waistband of Kaidan's underwear, breathing ragged and lush against his skin. _Of course_ , Kaidan thought. The events of the day probably had James thinking about Mars, about Kaidan left behind and nothing but questions marks to answer if he'd be returning.

Kaidan could never, would never, resist when James was like this, desperate and desirous. He seemed to be begging forgiveness with each touch, each warm kiss as he slid Kaidan's briefs down and his body over the other side. James was on his knees on the floor by the bed, big hands pulling Kaidan into the right position so he could kneel between his legs and suck Kaidan down.  Kaidan gasped at the suddenness, sensation warm and firm, watching the outline of James' head in the glimmer of the safety lights from across the bay.   

James gave head like he did anything, treating anything less than complete and utter dedication as a personal failure. He went straight from zero to sixty, head moving enthusiastically, swallowing Kaidan down with wanton little groans muffled by the dick in his mouth.   

Under such enthusiasm, Kaidan found it all too easy to fall apart, choking back his own moans as James' slick mouth was filled with come. The shuttle bay was generally empty of a night cycle, but you never knew, and Kaidan tried, despite the overwhelming determination of James’ technique, to keep it quiet.    

"Fuck," Kaidan breathed as James clambered back next to him, kissing the salt bitter taste of himself from James' mouth. His hands slid down James' firm side, reaching to return the favor, when James stopped him, hands over Kaidan's.   

"Hey... I'm sorry I've been such a shit these last few days."

"It's ok. I’m just... glad you're ok." Kaidan was terrible at staying mad.

"Yeah well, it shouldn't take me getting my ass handed to me to make me stop being a shit, no?"   

"True, but I'm used to it." Laughing softly, Kaidan pulled James into his arms, and they arranged themselves to fit together, limbs a sweaty sprawl.   

Though they didn't speak for a moment, no true silence was ever possibly on the Normandy, the soft hum of the ship a constant surround. "Can I tell you something?" James asked.   

Kaidan's eyes were closed, head back, throat bare in a pose of liquid satisfaction. "Now is a great time to tell me anything,” he murmured.  

James shifted, hands circling nervy little rings around Kaidan's navel. "That good, huh? I tell you, when James Vega goes down, he goes _down_ ," he boasted, though his heart wasn't in the right place for his usual grandstanding.  He was too busy just being grateful to be in Kaidan’s arms again.  

"You said it," Kaidan indulged. He could sense James' nervous energy. Kaidan opened his eyes, running a comforting hand through the stubble on James' head. "What were you saying?"    
   
This was it. This was the culmination of the last few days of unbidden mental images, of agonizing attempts at banishing them. To say it out loud would make it real, to himself, to Kaidan.

James took a deep breath. "I- I can't stop thinking about you and the Commander. Ever since Scars told me..."  

Kaidan swallowed. He wasn't angry any more. He just felt a dull ache, a sadness that preceded the end of something that had been good, and easy.  He’d spent as much time as he could avoiding it, and his lie-by-omission had only meant he'd gotten in deep. That he was more committed, more in love than he’d ever been before when his foundation was carelessly pulled from under him. “That bad, huh?” He asked heavily.     
   
"No no, not like that. I mean... In like... A sexy way."  Kaidan  had never thought he'd hear James Vega embarrassed about any topic, but it was clear he was embarrassed now, already hushed voice shrinking as he went along. "Thinking about you and her together ... I bet she's loco in bed, huh. It's- it's hot," he admitted, burying his burning face into Kaidan's side.  

_Well_. That was not what he’d been expecting.  Kaidan could practically feel his brain frantically back-pedaling as his absorbed this potentially world altering news, and something, an idea, hummed and hovered just out of reach of his cognition. Feeling like he was channeling the Commander, in a drawn out voice his only response was, "Re-ally."   

James didn't take his face off Kaidan’s chest, and his voice was muffled as he said, "I've never been attracted to women, to a woman before. Not like this."    
   
And it was there, lying in the dark, still reeling from a rushed orgasm, and feel of Shepard’s warm hand practically burning into his shoulder, that Kaidan had a first glimmer of a Really Bad Idea.   

“Well… maybe that’s something you need to explore? I know for me it took a bit of figuring out when I was younger. Maybe you’re just a late bloomer.”  

James nuzzled his face against Kaidan. “I’m with you, though.”  They’d never really talked about it, and that easy declaration of loyalty, of connection, briefly took Kaidan’s breath away. It was like James didn't even have to think about it, that’s how easily it came. “It’s cool, man. I don’t need to go off on a journey of self-discovery or nothing.  I just… wanted you to know why I've been so… shitheaded lately.  I'm not gonna cheat on you. ”  

Kaidan hummed. Was he really thinking of suggesting this? “What if it wasn’t cheating?”  

“Huh?”  

“Well… if we were both there, it wouldn't really be cheating, would it?”  

James chuckled. When Kaidan didn’t, simply stared overhead with his heart beating hard, James propped himself up on one elbow. “ _Dios_ , you’re serious.”  

“Well…” The moment was unstable, teetering. It wasn't too late to back out, to laugh it off, but instead, Kaidan felt himself topple forward into the unknown. “Yeah. I think it could work. And I don’t just mean go out and find some random girl, either. If we did it… it should be Shepard.”  

“Sleep with Lola?” James flumped backwards, and joined Kaidan in staring at the ceiling above them.    
   
The idea was too big, too overwhelming, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I don’t want to fuck the Commander, she can kick my ass.” He was grinning at himself before he’d even finished.

Kaidan gave a low chuckle, and slid his hand into James’. “I can kick your ass too, remember. And you fuck me all the time.”  

“What makes you think she’d even be  _into_ something like that?” James asked, aware that he was reaching now, desperately fumbling for a reason why that didn't sound like a really hot idea.  

“We’re talking about the same woman here, aren't we? Commander Hannah I’ll-try-anything-once Shepard?  This is the woman who just told us _to our faces_ that she doesn't give a shit about regs. It’s only other crew member’s vague respect for them that stops her from getting around to every human on the ship.” He paused thoughtfully. “Aliens too.”  

“Yeah.” James felt his cheeks burn, and was suddenly distinctly aware that he was hard, his dick ignoring his earlier plans for a selfless, un-reciprocated blow job.  He shifted, curled into Kaidan’s naked side and murmured. “Ok, let’s say I think this isn’t a totally terrible idea. How… how would it go down?”  

“Got your attention now, do I?”  Kaidan teased, turning into James and running a firm palm over James’ boxers-clad crotch, giving his cock a squeeze as he smiled that slow, sly smile that James loved so much. Yes, loved.  

“Yeah.” James’ voice was breathy, a bare note above a whisper. “Got my attention.”  

“You want me to tell you how I think it would go down, do you?”  Kaidan murmured, knowing that his voice and a firm hand were enough to drive the other man wild.   

“Yes,  _yes_ ,”  James insisted, and  Kaidan took his cue from the edge of a whine in James voice, a breathless, needy note, and tugged down James’s boxers, ignoring the stirrings of his own erection to take James in a firm grip and continue to whisper into his ear.  

“Well, since it’s been on your mind, maybe you’d like to watch, first.” It was then that  Kaidan  seemed to reach right into James’s brain, honing right onto the images the LT hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on and teasing them into full, vibrant life, HD  Technicolor images  burning into the back of his eyes as they fluttered shut. “Shepard’s always liked being… appreciated, so I’d say she’d get off on it too, having you watch as I undress her, peel off those fatigues. You’ve been thinking about what’s under them, haven’t you? What would she say, knowing you've been thinking about your Commander like that?”   

James’s only response was to moan.  Kaidan’s hand, just firm enough, found a rhythm, stroking him slow and steady. “She’s beautiful, you know. Little tits, and lean too. But you’d know that from all the time you've spent down here wrestling and sparring with her. Have you been thinking about her naked then, too?”  

James whimpered, waves of shame and hot, desperate arousal running up his neck and radiating out from  Kaidan’s  hand “I- I-“ but talking was not his strong point . At this juncture James could barely force words past his lips, and his attempts melted instead into short moans with each exhale and each tight stroke of Kaidan’s hand. The older man was whispering relentlessly, loving how warm James’s body felt against him, shuddering and panting.  

“She’s beautiful and she’s demanding _,_ you know, so the first thing I’m gonna do is get my face between her thighs and- _mmf_!” His words were cut off by James, jamming his mouth into Kaidan’s, a messy kiss, and Kaidan paused, loosening his hand. His words lost their raw edge as he asked, “Are you ok? Is this ok?”  

James was on that same impossible knife’s edge, but instead of wasting time contemplating a return to the familiar, the safe, he simply hissed, “Yes, keep going, I just…  Yes.”   

“Ok,” and he kissed James, suddenly tender, before shifting his hips to align their bodies, and settled one hand over both of them, resuming his pace with ease, catching the pre-come leaking at the head of James' cock, rubbing the pad of his thumb over the two of them, jammed tight together in a slick slide, breath hitching as he continued on.   

"The _noises_ she would make as I eat her out and fuck, you've never been down on a woman before, and it's nothing but slick, and warm, and all around you and-"  Kaidan  breathed out hard. He was officially carried away with the thought of it, with the effect it was having on James, and he didn't care, heat of his own hand and James' cock hard against him, pushing him tantalizingly onwards. "And she's groaning, and digging her heels into my back, you've never heard someone moan ‘til you've heard the Commander do it."  

James still had his eyes squeezed shut and saw it in his mind’s eye, finally opening his imagination to it. The arch of Shepard's back as she ground her crotch into a kneeling Kaidan's mouth, head thrown back, perfect line from her collarbones over her flat stomach to her cunt, and for the first time James managed to silence the voice that told him he _couldn’t_ and _didn't_ like the thought of that, and he made a small, pissed off sounding noise as he let his toes curl, felt the waves of his orgasm approaching.

"And you can't  _stand_ it,  can't just watch any more, so you get up there and kneel next to Shepard,  fuck,  so she can lick her lips, wrap her mouth around your cock-" And that was enough, it was all over for James. With a grinding moan against Kaidan's mouth, dragging him forward again, he came, messily into Kaidan's hand, and over both their stomachs and chests pressed together. Their bodies so close made the angle of his grip awkward, but Kaidan didn’t care as he stroked James through it, feeling the other man’s cock pulse in his hand as he followed him in his orgasm, breath seizing in his throat.  

There was an intermingled sigh of pleasure, a counter point to the steady surround of the Normandy’s steady, even hum.   

Kaidan reached out and snagged a nearby towel, swiping it lazily over the combined mess and flinging it aside, military discipline abandoned in the wake of two almost successive orgasms. What? He wasn’t as young as he once was either.   

“That’s my workout towel, you _pendejo_.”  James muttered, a smile twitching on his lips.  

“Then it probably needed washing anyway. Or incinerating.”  Kaidan pressed a shaky kiss to one broad shoulder, and James just _breathed_ , trying to right himself, to figure out what the world looked like, now that he’d tumbled off the precarious edge and onto this side.  

Kaidan tensed, remembering, with a flush of embarrassment, the filthy words that had been coming out of his mouth minutes before. “You alright?” he asked, suddenly anxious. “I hope- I hope that wasn't too much. I just- Jesus. I knew that made you uncomfortable and then I did it anyway. I just thought- I’m sorry. I’m really-“  

“K. It’s cool.” James rescued his Kaidan from himself, turning and pulling him into an enveloping embrace. He knew that awkward cadence far too well, and if he continued to work himself up, Kaidan wouldn't stop any time soon. “It’s ok. I really… I liked it.”  

“I didn't mean to push you,” Kaidan said. “I got carried away. It was just an idea, and you don’t have to… to like it. Or to do anything you don’t want to do.”  

“I know, K.” He kissed the Major’s temple, that warm spot where dark hair sprouted and was just starting to show the tiniest smudge of grey. “That’s the reason why, if we get the chance... With you there. And Lola… well. I wouldn't say no, is all I'm saying.”  

Kaidan breathed out, tension easing out of his shoulders. “Good. I- that’s good.” That barely even began to cover it, and now, out the other side of a fantasy-fuelled orgasm, the terrifying possibility this could  _actually_ _happen_ loomed large in front of him.

But that was definitely tomorrow’s problem.  

Sweat cooling on their skin, they fell easily into the arrangement of limbs that preceded sleep almost every night now, the comfort of familiarity, of the warmth of another’s body so close.  

“You always have the best ideas,” was the last thing James mumbled before the drone of the ship helped pull them both steadily down into the right kind of unconsciousness, not one caused by blunt trauma or blood loss, but into simple, companionable sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all, filth wizards.


	7. Shepard Lets Someone In.

There was something about the beginning of the day cycle a board the Normandy. There was no true need to adhere to a regular day/night cycle, and James had heard stories of ships that ran on a rotating constant cycle of staff, but Shepard liked the Normandy to have "night time," as manufactured as it may have been. It meant that when James awoke, there was a sense of restfulness, a period of watching the slight glimmer of the emergency lighting in the shuttle bay,  before heavy booted feet of Cortez and other armoury staff clunked down and the bustle of the day cycle began.  

Kaidan was gone, very talented at keeping his early rising time from disturbing James. He was probably already downing coffee  and eating obscene amounts of bread  in the 'mess.

James got out of bed, moving quietly, enjoying the first morning for a few days where he felt well moored, last night's reconciliation helping to  heal his recent unease.

He was  savoring  the stillness, half dressed, before realizing he didn't have the 'bay to himself. The light down the far end had been adjusted, not quite to full glaring  brightness, but a diffuse  glow. 

He trod down silently to check it out. As he reached the  section that was more brightly lit,  he had a brief struggle to fathom what was going on in front of him. Was gravity broken? Why were this figure's feet pointing.... hanging?... toward the ceiling? 

His mind finally sorted out which way was up, and he realized it was the Commander, shoulders bare in a tank, muscles taut but not straining, in a perfectly balanced head stand, legs long and lean, feet flat as though standing on an invisible surface. 

He didn't even realize he had huffed out a slow breath of wonder at the sight of her, back and shoulders to him, buttocks pulled in tight to maintain balance. What kind of strange congruence had bought her down here, on this, of all mornings ? On a morning where the  _discussion _ , for lack of a better word, he’d had with the Major last night, was still swirling energetically through his mind. 

Her forearms pressed into the deck, the lighting bathing everything in a yellow wash. The usually dull gunmetal grey floor and her brown arms were the same shade in the glow, melding together, his eyes briefly telling him that he could not tell where one ended and other began. He didn't draw in another breath immediately, fearing to disturb the hush, the whole scene  before him a picture  of perfect, impeccable balance. 

"You got something to say to me, James?" Shepard bent at the hips to put her feet on the deck, righting herself and flicking her head up to look at him. "Or you just enjoying the show?" 

"Sorry, Commander." He felt strange, off balance, as though he'd just looked into something extremely private, and he tried not to stare. "I'll leave you to it." He turned to walk away. 

"S'all good," she said, her bare feet padding softly as she walked toward him, stopping to scoop up her boots as she went. "Probably time to get to work, anyway." 

She went to move past him. "What's that all about, anyway?" He blurted. 

Shepard  scrutinized him deeply. There was a moment where James couldn't help but feel the heavy weight of her regard, as though he was being measured. He must have passed whatever strange brand of test he'd been run through, because Shepard's eyes softened. "You know my story, right? You know  how much machinery is knocking around in here?" She tapped soft knuckles to her temples, and turned, tilting her chin upwards, giving him full view of her scars, of the gleam through thin skin. 

"Yeah. I heard." He swallowed. Scars or no, she was  fucking beautiful.

"I spend so much time wondering if am who I used to be. Wondering what I'm capable of, what's real. If I'm real." She knelt, laying a hand on the Normandy's dull silver floor. "This is real. Down here  feels real , you know? " She stood back up and laid a cool hand on one bicep, almost absently running her fingers down his arm and releasing him. "I spend all day running around wondering if my next fuck-up isn't going to cost us the Earth, if the things I've done to get us this  far have been... right .  Someone’s got to do them, though. So it might as well be me.” 

She gave a little half shrug, as if trying to downplay her words. “ I wonder what kind of cost that might come at. Where that leaves me, you know. Wondering if I'm still me. If I'm still...  human."

James didn't even think the action through as he touched her face, fingers feather light as he traced one scar. It glowed strongly where her hair met her ear, then travelled across one dark cheek to meet the corner of her mouth. As though mesmerized, he followed the line of the scar with gentle fingertips. 

She didn't move, or pull away, simply kept her eyes on his face gravely and let him explore.  His hand hovered over the corner of her mouth, and there was something intensely intimate about the feel of her breath on his skin.

"You seem pretty human to me."  He  murmured. He came to himself and realized he was standing in the commander ’s space, and he  _was_   _touching her _ _face_.  He dropped his hand as though those glowing marks  _burned_. 

Shepard almost smiled. "Anyway. Sometimes I just need to spend a little time trying to just... shut it all out for awhile." 

"And you do that with... headstands?" James said, searching for a way to regain his balance, for this conversation to find its way back to solid ground again, please. 

"It's called yoga, you cretin." She swung her boots lightly an d hit him in the chest,  laughing again. James could almost feel the door she had opened to him, not slam, but close firmly in his face. 

She was all cat-like grace and dirty jokes  sometimes, but there was a something hidden  inside the Commander,  raw bleeding and frayed edges. He thought he’d seen it briefly before, peering through the cracks when he’d first met her.  For some reason he couldn't quite fathom s he'd allowed him to glimpse it again, even run gentle fingers over it, here in the quiet of the ‘bay.

"We’ll make the Citadel in eight. I hope Cortez gives you a hard time today, maybe he can teach you a bit of goddamn sensitivity." She followed him, chuckling slightly at her own joke as he headed back to his nook to perch on the bed, reaching for his boots.

"If anyone can, it’s him." James smiled. 

"Mm.” It was almost a grunt. “ Did you and Kaidan talk?"

James measured her up, and decided, given the strange little journey they'd just been on together, that Shepard was in the mood to handle a little needling. "Thought from your speech yesterday you didn't want to hear 'bout it, Lola."

She rolled her eyes. “I was just  _pissed _ at the both of you for nearly getting killed. It makes me.... short."

"Why, it's almost like you care," he rallied back quickly, finding the usual easy rhythm of their talks.

She huffed out in exasperated laughter. "Of course I care about you idiots.” She looked at him shrewdly. “You  _pedejos_.”

“You’re learning, but your accent is still terrible.”

“Don't tell anyone I care, though," she said, ignoring his chastisement. "I've got a reputation to upkeep."

"I don't think your reputation is in any danger."

"Mm." She concurred, frowning slightly. 

"We talked, Lola." He reassured her. "Got it all sorted."

"Good. So. How was the make-up sex?”

Turbulence was not a thing that happened when the universe’s most sophisticated drive core hummed at full speed, but James swore the deck pitched under his feet as memories  of last night reared up , made all the more potent by the sight of a barefooted commander quirking a brow at him. Was this some kind of conspiracy? Did she  _know_?

His panic subsided. Shepard was good, but he would happily bet money that her upgrades didn’t quite reach to mind reading. He gave himself a prod. Shepard came down her for a sparring partner, verbal and physical, and so far he wasn’t doing much to hold up his end of the deal. 

“It was… uh. Good?”  _Mierde, James, that was terrible. _

Shepard laughed, the laughter of a woman who could clearly see she’d knocked James on his ass and was calling it a victory. She didn’t even reply, turning toward the elevator in what could only be described as a saunter, boots slung over one shoulder.

“Three days leave, Lieutenant. I’m sure you’re going to make good use of it.”

James w atched her hips as she left, face hot and Kaidan’s  jagged  voice  still burning in his ear.  _She’s beautiful, you know. _


	8. That's What You Get For Not Listening To That Little Voice.

All lines were destined to meet at a single point in the universe, and on any given shore leave, those not needed on the ship would wind up at Purgatory. 

The Commander had disappeared first thing on “official business” with Garrus, something James deeply suspected was anything but. The last person you’d want to take on “official” business was Vakarian, given his favourite past time these days seemed to be telling authority figures to shove it in various creative orifices.

Not saying that James didn’t admire his  _cojones_ , but bureaucracy was not Scars’ strong suit.

Kaidan had peeled off when spending time on the Presidium seemed to be wearing thin. They were starting to have that sense of inevitable, the crew seemingly circling the drain that was Purgatory. He explained apologetically that clubs were not his thing. Both James and Joker teased him for being old, as was practically traditional at this point.

“I’m the same age as you, you ass,” Kaidan said to Joker, brows in a grim line but mouth twitching. 

“Yeah, that age where if you’re not careful, you start getting  _old_.” Joker insisted.  Kaidan laughed, eyebrows losing their battle to keep looking reproachful. He spoke a few quiet words to  Traynor . 

“You’re just as boring as he is, Sam !” Joker shouted at their retreating backs.

“I’m sorry, I’d rather  _not_  spend my evening swatting off every drunk guy at the bar. If preferring a night in, with a  _Spectre,_ no less, makes me boring,” she shrugged jauntily, ”I guess that’s just me.” She waved as the two of them headed off, already deep in conversation   


“C’mon man.” James (gently) clapped a hand to Joker’s back. “We don’t need ‘em.”

James wasn’t sure if clubs were even  _his_ thing tonight, though the odd mood was nothing a few rounds couldn’t at least make a dent in. Beers to start quickly headed to tequila. Even the shittiest stuff was expensive as hell for an earth product , but worth it, in James’ opinion.

His brain wouldn’t shut up though.  _C’mon, man, you were the one who wanted to come here,_ he berated himself.  _Go and dance. Do something._  But instead, he found himself simply propping up the bar and watching. Someone had managed to pry Liara away from her console, and she  danced like liquid, more beautiful than even the pros, he thought. Tali’s style approached Liara’s in enthusiasm, though had a little way to go in grace.

The energy vibrating off EDI and Joker was sweet, something he could almost taste. You’d be a fool not to feel it, to not want to just soak it in. James wasn’t without his romantic side, and new love was always a cheering sight, even if it did little to soothe his jittery mind. 

_I wish Shepard was here_.  The thought, which had simmered under the surface, bubbled up suddenly. There was no good reason for it, other than at least if she got her sexy ass to Purgatory, she might at least briefly get out of his head. 

It was much safer to have a clothed Shepard in front of him than a naked one in his mind. 

He should have known better than to think about Shepard so damn clearly. Lately the universe seemed determined to give him exactly the things he didn’t know he wanted, and laugh at him trying to figure out what to do with them, because that was the moment he noticed her winding her way through the crowd toward him. 

Now, as ever, Shepard  _flowed._

She was wearing… was that a skirt? One of the long ones that asari favoured, black and long to the floor, implausibly stretchy, clinging to every line of  her legs as she walked. Though James couldn’t help but smirk at her. There was something so endearingly  _Shepard_   about choosing to pair something so elegant with a tank top, red hair falling over her bare shoulders.

He realized with a squeeze  of his gut that he’d never seen her with her hair down. She had masses of it, fistfuls that were normally pinned severely back wherever she went, day or night.

Tonight though, she’d forgone her carefully engineered up-do in favour of just letting fall of hair run wild. There was a slight  wave to it, like she’d just taken it down and let it do its own thing. It softened her face, took the focus off some of the scars on her cheeks. Whether the dark lipstick was trying to draw attention to, or away from the glow of the fissure by her mouth, he wasn’t sure. 

"Hey, Lola. Nice outfit," he managed when she reached him, keeping his hands wrapped firmly around the bottle despite their treacherous urge to tangle themselves in the weight of her hair.

"Thanks." She looked down at her skirt. "These long ones are the best for my more uh… unconventional clubbing accessories." With the ease of long practise , she pitched her voice perfectly over the steady pulse of the music, cutting without shouting. He emulated her. 

"What?" he asked, frowning. 

"Guns, James. I’m talking about guns." She gestured to her legs, and James saw now how the shape of the skirt meant that any number of firearms could be strapped to her calves. Of course. 

"Anyway. Sorry I’m late." Shepard said, grinning as Garrus joined them.

She turned to the bar, hair swishing over her shoulder blades as she did so. Since when did James notice hair  _swish_ , he asked himself hopelessly.

"What’re you boys drinking? James?" He showed her his bottle wordlessly.

"Anything this place has that tries to pass itself off as dextro brandy.” Garrus replied. “You know, just anything that hopefully won’t kill me in the short term.”

"Just severely shorten the long term?" She got the attention of the bartender. "Well, long term isn’t looking all that lengthy for  _any_ of us these days ,” he heard her mutter as she spent an exorbitant amount of credits. Shepard had bought him much nicer swill than he’d been inflicting on himself. 

She left J ames to do his bar stool impression, and he watched and envied the ease with which she wound through a crowd.  _He_  was happy just working his way through the drinks, beer alternating with tequila in a way that wasn’t quite  _drowning your sorrows_   but more like _taking your vague unease for a swim_.  It had been working out quite well for him, too, until Shepard returned from her rounds of the troops (always doing her rounds, even slightly drunk and unsteady) and cocked her head quizzically at him. 

"You gonna stand there all night, James, or you gonna come dance with me? For real, this time? " It was a challenge, the way she said it, jaw jutting out and slight smile on her lips. If he hadn’t been so damn restless, he might have talked himself out of it.   


_I’m going to regret this,_ was the first thought that popped into his head at the sight of the Commander’s flirty stance.

_This is a bad idea,_  h e thought, pursing his mouth thoughtfully. He ignored the little voice.

_Well, screw it,_  his brain completed helpfully as he placed his hand in her outstretched palm.

He should have listened, of course.   


***

James woke up back at the Normandy, an impressive feat given he wasn’t exactly the kind of man you could easily carry back. Which meant he’d been … unstable but not paralytic.    


He rolled over. No Kaidan . Unsurprising. He loved Kaidan but he could be such a square sometimes. I f the Major had spent his evening playing tac’ games with Traynor , he probably got an early night and was off doing something productive with his time. 

Which was good because James current ly felt like there had been  _something_  going on between his ears, involving less tactics and more sledge hammers, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle company right now. Stomach of steel, sure, but apparently his head was less well tempered.  He dressed slowly and went in search something,  _anything,_ please Lord, to cure his hangover.

No sooner than he’d thought to himself  _hey, it’s nice that no one’s around_ , than did he walk into the mess and spot Shepard at the table. There was that distant echo of the universe laughing at him again.

She wordlessly slid him a cup of coffee as he sat , gross synthesized shit that was nothing compared to what he’d grown up with. She looked far fresher than she had any right to be, hair reined back into a bun once more. James still felt like he was digging himself upward, sluggishly freeing himself from a shallow grave.

He resisted the urge to lay his forehead on the cool chrome of the table. Barely. Instead he forced himself to look across the table at the  Commander .

Their eyes met, and with a crushing force akin to a shuttle take-off, he remembered what happened last night. 

James continued to stare blankly across the table, well past the point where he should have at least uttered a greeting. He’d get to it when he figured out how to process the memories his mind was helpfully handing him, like a small child desperate to be of assistance but only screwing things up more.   


Shepard copped a lot of crap for her dancing, but her main selling point was that she just didn’t give a shit what anyone thought and she had dragged him out to the dance floor with a laugh of delight. He remembered the sound of her laugh as a bright counterpoint to the seemingly grim air of a club packed with people drinking to forget. 

She interrupted his horrified revisiting . “Feeling sunny this morning, aren’t we?” Her mouth tw isted in grim entertainment. “I think we both did something stupid last night, didn’t we .”

“I… uh -” It had taken an embarrassingly short amount of time for  _dancing near each other_  to turn into  _dancing_ _up close together_. He could blame the press of the crow d for it, but he couldn’t blame the dance floor for the way he ’d put his hands on her hips, relishing the texture of the cool, silken fabric of her skirt, the way it slid and slipped over the warmth of her skin. 

She’ d slid hands round him, resting one palm flat against his sacrum, body simply swaying with the throb of music. He looked at her, at the tiny, knowing smile on her lips, eyes half lidded as she looked down at their chest, separated by a decorous hair. He remembered that final broaching of space, a cooperative damnation. Her chest pressed up against his, and her height meant she could just tuck her face under his jaw. He could feel her breath on his skin, heart louder in his ears even than the music .

She’d felt… amazing, in his arms, if he thought about it. Shoulders almost half the width of him, his arms encircled her easily, but she felt solid, lean. He swept his arms up her back, feeling the tension and release of each muscle with every languid movement. 

It h ad been a bare few inches to traverse, to turn his head as she tilted hers , feel her lips ghost over the corner of his mouth, teasing.

James stared into his coffee with dawning horror. Shepard swilled hers lightly, watching the play of emotions on James’ face as he recalled the way he’d shifted his hands round her shoulders, and definitively leapt that final boundary, pressing his lips to hers. She’d opened to him, tilting her head back, lips parting gently as they kissed, bodies still swaying with the music, all restraint left behind.

“Shepard…” James had no idea what he’d planned to say next, and finally lost his battle to remain composed. This was more than any one man with a hangover should have to deal with. He lay his head flat on the table, and groaned. 

“Oh c’mon,” she reached over the table and swatted him lightly over the head. James was fairly certain that swat wouldn’t normally have pushed him so close to the edge of unconsciousness, but this was clearly a special occasion “I couldn’t have been that bad.”

“We… we kissed, didn’t we.” He didn’t lift his head from his forearms

Shepard pursed her lips. “I’d call it less of a kiss and more an extended dance floor make out . Like a pair of horny teenagers .”

James groaned again. What had he been _thinking_. 

Actually he knew what he had been thinking. He’d been thinking, he almost had permission, didn’t he? He’d been thinking, Kaidan would understand. Hell, Kaidan encouraged it. Who cared about that “It’ s not cheating if we’re both there,” statement? That was flexible, right? That statement was flexible, and Shepard was warm and lithe and in his arms, and really, who cared? Goddamnit, why hadn’t he  _listened_ to himself?

There hadn’t been any other members of the Normandy’s crew in sight, and James was ashamed to remember that part of him had made sure of that, had made sure  that there was no one around to hold him accountable for his actions  in the press of bodies. It was just him and Shepard, and he’d really done an amazing job at shutting up that little voice that said this was a thing he shouldn’t do. That this was a twofold  _shouldn’t do_  because Kaidan, and because Commander Shepard, and just to make things extra confusing, because Commander Shepard  _and_ Kaidan .

His head was swimming and his heart hammering and he felt sick at how, even now, there were still all these justifications trying to swim to the surface, to make a liar and an ass of him. He crushed them down, deep and low, but it wasn’t enough to stop his face from going hot with shame.

“You seem upset, James,” Shepard stated drily. 

He looked up at her desolately. “How can you be so calm?” His instinct to tack Lola on the end was just another thought rising to the surface that he had to quash furiously. Now was not the time.

Shepard, for all her irritating cheerfulness, had a shadow of confusion pass over her face. “Just a kiss, James.”

James thought back to the conversation he’d had with Garrus , where it looked on the surface like they were talking about the same thing, but plunging below, you realized you were shouting at each other over a huge chasm of misunderstanding. “Yeah but…  Kaidan ?”

Shepard, lips pressed tight together, came to a realization and covered that chasm of misunderstanding in a single leap. “Monogamists,” she sighed, and tilted her eyes to the ceiling.

Suddenly Shepard’s chipper mood, four billion credit metabolism aside, made a lot more sense. Here James had been thinking was just being particularly Shepard about his feelings, casually disregarding the potential destruction of the best thing in his life. But actually, she was just operating from an entirely different frame of reference.

“You two are monogamous.” She repeated, disbelievingly. “Fuck.” She leant one elbow on the table, head in hand. “I’m really, really sorry,” Shepard said. “If I’d known….”

James noted that, unlike him, she only allowed herself a single self-pitying moment, putting her face in her palm for less than a second. She straightened. Fuck, she was good at this. James could practically hear the  _thunk_ as she switched gears from fellow soldier to Commander. Commander Shepard who was, at her heart, a problem solver. 

“I don’t normally fuck with monogamists.” She popped her omni tool with a casual flick.

“Uh…” Shepard had started briskly typing a message. “What are you doing, Commander?”

“Messaging Kaidan .”

“ _What_?!”  James was on his feet before he’d even realized it.

“Sit, Lieutenant!” Shepard waved her hand at him and went back to typing.

Well, you didn’t argue with that. James sat.

“How old are you?” she asked him mildly.

James watched hopelessly as Shepard set about hammering the lid onto the coffin of what he was only just realizing was probably the most functional relationship of his life. “ 26 ? ” He replied, uncertain of where this was heading .

“Good, that puts you into the category of adult. Just.” Her eyes flicked up from her careful composition with the hint of a smile. “Which means, we’re going to deal with this like the adults that we are.”

James said nothing, brow crinkling, looking utterly unconvinced .

He distantly heard the gunnery open, disgorging a criminally cheerful-looking Turian. This must be “every one look like they’re dealing with their shit just fine to make James feel like a complete mess,” day.

As Garrus approached, James heard the death knell that was the faint chime of a sent message. “That means,” Shepard continued in a quiet voice, “We’re going to deal with this problem like adults,  _later_.” She arched her brows at him in a question, and he did his best to pull himself together. Her face softened. “Don’t stress. We’ll get it sorted, ok?” He nodded miserably. 

Once again that gear change, as Commander Shepard dismissed James with a curt nod, and turned smoothly , already winking and teasing her Acting XO about last night

_ How does she do _ _that_ , he marvelled. She must have been a chameleon in a past life, one of those rare few who managed to be all things to all people, and James, despite the encroaching headache and something like emotional whiplash to boot, took a moment to wonder what she looked like, and who she was, when she was all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wah heeeey drama! Nice work, idiots. Sorry about all the extra spaces? Ao3 is being a dick. I've hopefully gotten rid of all of them but no promises.


	9. Dealing With Our Shit Like Adults.

James had been correct; Kaidan had given the slumbering form of his boyfriend the slip early, to do something productive with his time. He actually had his omnitool removed as an Asari salesperson turned it over in their hands, humming depreciatingly. 

“For someone in your position, I can’t believe you’re still using the- oh, Major. You have a message.” 

Kaidan took the external components of the ‘tool back, fastening it back to his implants before bringing up the text coms. 

_ComShepard – K, got drunk and kissed James last night. Wasn’t fully aware of situation between you two. Won’t make excuses though- bad call. James distressed. Obviously need to talk: forward schedule for next 24 hours to me ASAP. Get this sorted before we’re back to it._

Kaidan was absolutely flummoxed. Trust Shepard to drop that on him like that, all militaristic efficiency. He would have laughed if he hadn’t been busy wondering where the bottom of his stomach had dropped to. 

Distantly he said, no, he wasn’t interested in Itala’s upgrades, closing coms and properly reintegrating the tool with his wrist as he walked off. 

_Got drunk and kissed James last night._

He looked at the holographic display, feet taking him across the Presidium of their own accord, brain trying to piece out the flood of emotions. 

She phrased it like she was the instigator, but in light of the last few days, that was not necessarily a given. 

_MajA- What were you thinking?_ He typed out, then swiftly deleted it. _What’s there not to be aware of?_ Deleted. _How was he?_ Deleted. _This is what I get for trying to be open minded, you assholes._ Definitely deleted. 

He met a railing, leaning his hips into it solidly and looking out across the open space. 

Well, poor judgment aside, he supposed he couldn’t say James had bad taste. Shepard was… well, she had a draw that was hard to deny. 

For him, it hadn't just been the night before Ilos. He'd been dead wrong about it never being a poignant one-off. She'd asked him to stay with her the next night, and the night after that, and Kaidan had gone to her, without question. He sometimes felt like he'd spent more time in the aftermath of the Battle of the Citadel in bed with Shepard than actually, you know, helping with the recovery. He knew that wasn't the case, but god knows the memories were deadly sharp. Memories of his hands twined in her hair, sweaty face buried in her neck and her hands digging so hard into the flesh of his hips he could feel little bruises raised with each thrust. 

Even back on duty on the Normandy it hadn't stopped, right up until the day she died, and he almost hated himself for it. Despite the sex, despite the way Shepard kissed him, _like she was dying and only I could save her_... there was always that lingering feeling, that the Commander didn't really _need_ him. Not like he needed her. 

Maybe that was why he was so angry on Horizon. He stood there, split himself open and let Shepard peer in to the mess she'd left behind, and she seemed unmoved, unbowed, _unimpressed._ Kaidan had known then. There was a chasm between Shepard and the rest of the world, and he could have melted himself down and poured all of his being into it, and even then probably never fill it. 

But somehow he forgave her that, forgave her everything, and he already knew, would forgive her for this, too. To not forgive would be like being angry at fire for burning you. 

One didn’t simply stop loving someone because they didn't love you back, at least not the way you asked for. You just had to... readjust a little. 

And James… Kaidan closed his eyes. What an idiot. What a stupid, gorgeous idiot. He already knew that James would be beating himself black and blue for this mistake, because that's just what James did, take complex and multifaceted situations, and adeptly boil them down to the simple fact that it was somehow his fault. Kaidan knew it was because James cared, for all his bravado. Cared dangerously, and Kaidan loved him for it. 

He loved them both, the _pair of complete morons._ He felt himself smile helplessly at the thought.

He didn’t know the details, but he supposed he didn’t have to. However they’d come together would have been perfect, and he realized with a pang that he was saddened that he hadn’t been there to see it, their first time together. 

He breathed, and realized, though he kept reaching for it, that he wasn't angry at either of them. 

_MajA – Nothing that can’t be moved. All yours._

*** 

_ComShep – Kaidan available at 2000 shiptime. Meet in my quarters?_

James stared at the softly gleaming message for what felt like a very long time. The question mark on the end made it abundantly clear. This was a question, not an order, and this was Lola, not the Commander, on the other end. Maybe this whole thing would be easier if it _were_ the Commander. 

Still, he stowed it, and like the Commander had told him to, boarded the lift to face his problems, like an adult and everything.

When he tapped the middle of the door to announce his presence, it opened on quarters containing only Shepard, reclining at her console. She was wearing her dress blues, still buttoned up tight to her throat, a telling sign she’d left the table that morning to go and wrangle politicians, then. Her favourite. 

“Come in!” she hailed. 

He stood in the open space by her desk, arms limp by his side, nerves buzzing. “Where’s the Major?” 

Shepard turned to him. “He’ll be here in three minutes. First,” she leant forward, bracing her elbows on her knees, “I wanted to talk to you.” 

James tried to relax, honestly, though he was acutely aware his posture was nothing short of “at attention.” He found it comforting. 

“Are you ok?” Shepard asked, voice soft. 

There it was again, her ability to open him up like a book, read him, and cut straight to the heart of the matter. He felt the tension melt out of his shoulders. 

“It’s been a few really weird days,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead. 

Shepard stood, and closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around him in a rough hug. Her hand slid upwards over the tight t-shirt, tugging his face down into her shoulder. It was a comically large distance to broach; Shepard was not a tall lady. 

The door chimed. James tried to spring back out of Shepard’s arms, but she squeezed him tight and slowly released him despite the noise of the door sliding open. 

They turned to look at the door as one, and James’ heart was in his mouth as a cavalcade of emotions crossed Kaidan’s face. He looked hurt, and angry, and James was frozen in place as he tried to think of a solution, a course of action.

Kaidan looked resigned and furious by turns, and James? He swiftly felt himself become _frantic_. He was going to throw himself at Kaidan’s feet and beg forgiveness, he was going to rationally explain, he was going to blame it all on Shepard. Overwhelmed, but still with his boots glued to the floor, he desperately flicked eyes to Kaidan’s confused face and looked around the room for some escape, or some form of action. James was gonna do _something_ , he had to get that look out of Kaidan’s eyes, he was gonna, he was gonna…. 

Was that a smirk? Did Kaidan just _smirk_ at him? 

“Jeez, James, thought you said you weren’t into women,” Kaidan rasped, and yeah, it was a smirk, and there was that incorrigible smart ass in Kaidan, here to save the day. James was almost giddy with relief. 

Shepard made a weird grinding noise in her throat and James realized she was stifling a laugh. 

James swore, still lightheaded but finding his feet at last. “Shit guys, is this a set-up? Am I being set up right now? Is this kicking-James-while-he’s-down-day or something?” 

Kaidan, still framed by the door, took three big steps forward and proved that no, it was more like Hug-James-While-He’s-Down day, just raising slightly on his toes to fling his arms over James’ shoulders and haul him in. “You’re an idiot,” Kaidan said into James’ shoulder. 

James sighed, and let himself be squeezed tight for the second time in a minute. This was something he could get used to. 

A clinking noise distracted them from their embrace, and they parted to look over to Shepard, who was setting out glasses on her coffee table, dress jacket unbuttoned to reveal a plain white tank. “If you boys have the most pressing matters sorted?” She gestured toward to couch. 

James breathed out and felt the tight bands around his heart tentatively loosen. This was still... not ok. The look on Kaidan's face when the door had opened, that wasn't something James imagined 

But he'd chosen instead to make a joke, to briefly pretend like James hadn't fucked this up royally. It had been a gift, that joke, but James didn't delude himself; this was unlikely to be solved by a couple of hugs. As nice as they were. So despite the fact that he was still dealing with the echoes of last night’s hangover, he took the offered glass and sank into a seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split this scene, which carries on, into several parts, so the next few parts will come out relatively quickly.


	10. Dealing With Our Shit Like Adults, Part II.

Kaidan settled instinctively in the corner of the couch, James and Shepard on each arm. 

Shepard poured.

The drink of choice was a favourite from Shepard’s own personal stash, an Earth-style spiced rum with an alien twist, a foreign note to the smell that had been picked up and incorporated on some far flung world. It probably wouldn’t have been Kaidan’s first choice, but as soon as the aroma hit his nose he felt the last two years compress, and he was drinking in Shepard’s cabin on the SR1. The sensation was disorientating.

He grounded himself firmly. Fishtank. Space porthole. That odd flash in Shepard’s pupils, like a red-eye from an old camera but visible to his naked eyes as she reached over to serve him a shot. SR-2, not 1, 2185. Major Alenko, and post-Cerberus Shepard.

He breathed, running his fingers across the smooth glass in his hand.

“I’m sorry about all this,” James said. “I- I screwed it up. And Lola… I know you have more important things to be worrying about.” James quite literally hung his head, and Kaidan resisted the urge to comfort the man. Better for him to get it out.

Shepard shook her head, smiling fondly. “As far as distractions go, it certainly could be worse.” James could be so predictable. He couldn’t have hit the mark more precisely if Shepard had written his lines out for him, she thought. Equal responsibility. Mutually enthusiastic kiss. Still the first one to go for the apology.

Well, she better join him up on that hill. “I really am sorry too, though.” She wasn’t contrite, but direct as she looked at Kaidan. “I had no idea you guys were… exclusive?” She scrunched up her eyebrows as she said it, as though asking if that were the right word to use.

“It’s ok.” Kaidan said thoughtfully. “Really.” James looked guilty as he continued. No better time to start coming clean, Kaidan thought drily, before they managed to make an even bigger mess of it all. “We have been, but I think we’ve… muddied the waters little lately.”

Shepard’s eyebrows hit the roof. “Re-ally? How so?”

Kaidan glanced at James, silently asking his permission to tell the story that was only partly Kaidan’s. James nodded his acquiescence mutely. “Up until about, ohhh, three days ago,” James nodded at the time frame, “Vega here was pretty confident about his patterns of attraction. Then Vakarian just _happened_ to let slip about you and me, and things have just gotten… complicated since then.”

Shepard grinned wolfishly, reading between those metre-wide lines.

Kaidan felt a mild flush raise in his cheeks, but there was something about Shepard that made it easier to talk about things that might give others pause, matters of sex and violence. “You’ve… come up in conversation.”

James determinedly examined his rum, and Shepard laughed out loud. She couldn’t help but envision the exact circumstances of that “conversation.”

She sat back. “Well, that does sound complicated. If I might… summarize?” Kaidan’s mouth twisted wryly, and he nodded for her to go ahead.

She looked at James, smile twitching her full mouth, until he looked up at her, as though warily awaiting her judgement. Her gaze remained steady as she spoke. “You thought you were gay. Turns out you now think you might be a _little_ bit bi for your old Commander.” Her lips pursed in barely-contained amusement. “And you _both_ think you should fuck me to get it out of your system.”

Well… that hadn’t exactly been said out loud, but neither of them argued. Kaidan locked eyes with James just in time for him to swallow nervously, interest mixed with shame shining in every line of his face. 

Kaidan knew James was conflicted, fascinated, not having quite forgiven himself for the perceived betrayal. 

What James needed right now was permission to feel what he was feeling, and with sudden clarity, Kaidan knew he had to be the one to give it to him.

He didn’t even let himself think about it as he reached out and squeezed James’ knee. “Yeah, I guess the thought did cross my mind.”

Shepard laughed, filthy, low, like nothing that was happening here had any chance of taking her by surprise. Without elaborating, she opened her omni tool with a flick, pulling up a whole screen, and started digging through swathes of text.

James felt like he might have been having some kind of out of body experience. He distantly heard Kaidan inquire as to what Shepard was doing, and his brain acknowledged her reply of “Looking up your health records, of course,” but the Lieutenant was too busy reliving the feel of Lola’s lips against his, the wet swipe of her tongue and the tangle of hair in his hands. Thoughts that he’d resolutely locked away all day for fear that even _thinking_ them would have been a dishonesty, a betrayal.

“Neither of us are on fertility suppressants,” James heard Kaidan say lightly.

Shepard waved a hand, “Don’t worry. It’s not an issue for me.”

James felt almost vertiginous as Kaidan and Shepard discussed logistics, of all things, and suddenly he was distinctly aware of the history between them, as Kaidan slipped easily into speaking this language, so comfortable with Shepard’s forthrightness.

Palming the screen, Shepard checked something. “We could do it right now, if you guys wanted. Nothing on my schedule til a conference with Hackett in three hours.” Kaidan gave an undignified snort. 

“James?” Shepard called him back again. “You with us? This is kind of your show.”

“I-“ Shit. Why was it that he was put on the spot, he could never find the words?

“It’s ok. I get it.” She shrugged out of her jacket, leaving it in a crumpled ball at her back. James unwittingly noted the black outline of her bra through white shirt. “This is a big idea, huh?”

James nodded wordlessly. He watched as Shepard settled into speech giving mode. Nothing if not a problem solver.

“I want you to know, everything is your call. Your shots. You wanna do this, I’m down. But you don’t have to commit to anything. Any second you want to walk away, you do it. I won’t be hurt, I won’t be offended.” She shared a wordless glance with Kaidan, not quite asking permission, but checking in, a huge depth of communication in split second. “Everything’s up to you.” She shifted her weight forward, almost closing the diagonal distance between them, her tone conspiratorial, as if she’d forgotten the Major was even there. That’s how it felt to James, anyway, as if these words were just for him. “Anything you’re not comfortable with, we won’t do. You don’t want me to fuck your boyfriend, I’ll understand.” James simply watched her mouth, mesmerized. “But the way I see it, as a baseline, you need to be ok with _this_.” She shifted again, coming to her feet, and stepped between James’ open knees.

He tore his eyes from her mouth and up to her eyes as her gaze bore down on him, moment taut. James wasn’t sure if he’d breathed at all since she started speaking. When he made no move to shift out of her space, or reply, she curved down, caught his jaw in one hand and kissed him, brief but hot. She broke the kiss and simply watched him for a beat, her eyes diagnosing, probing. There was nothing in James’ eyes that said he wanted her to stop, would ever want her to stop. She nodded decisively, as if confirming something.

“And this,” she said. Kaidan was sitting close enough to James that she didn’t need to remove herself from between James’ legs to lean over, hand planted firmly on one of Kaidan’s knees, face close to his. She broad casted her intentions loud and clear, gave Kaidan every chance to protest, to demure.

He did neither, and James heard Kaidan suck his breath in sharply before Shepard caught his mouth in hers. As Shepard seemed to be asking, James probed his reaction to the sight; no jealousy, no anger. Just toe-curling, almost nauseating lust as Kaidan closed his eyes, and sat up and forward, pushing his mouth into hers and running one hand over her bare arm to grip her shoulder, not hard but _grounding._

“Ok.” She straightened, and Kaidan breathed out hard. “You both still with me?” The air had gone from frothy, teasing smiles into something very different, each person’s breath coming a shade heavier as the weight of reality, of lust, started to truly settle on them.

James looked to Kaidan, as he so often did, and liked what he saw there, lips parted and an ache writ clear in the lines on his forehead. “Yeah,” Kaidan breathed, answering for James when he saw that the Lieutenant was already falling into that place where words became very, very troublesome. “We’re with you.”


	11. Shepard, James and Kaidan.

“Excellent.” Shepard turned toward the bed, pulling pins out of her hair as she went. “Shirts at least, both of you.” Her tone was relaxed, requiring action but not haste. Shepard was hot, and she _knew_ it too, or more accurately, she may well have been hot, and just couldn't give a shit. She didn't even look back at the two soldiers as she finished unpinning her hair and started on her pants, not even checking to see if they followed her lead. Which of course, they did.

That was how James wound up in his briefs, laid flat by Shepard’s side, mouth slowly exploring hers with hot, nervy movements. Kaidan was warm at his back, pressing encouraging little kisses to the broad curve of his shoulders.

James’ fantasies about a rough and wild Shepard, pinning him down and taking what she needed may well have been accurate, but it was a mood she stowed away for another day. She wasn't kidding when she said she’d let him set the pace, call the shots. That this abrasive, exuberant woman could lean back, relaxed, breath soft, and give him all the space he needed to move into, made him wonder if she’d ever stop surprising him.

Given the space, James used it to explore her, and he marvelled at the very fact he was here with this woman, _this woman_ , underneath his hands. He swept one palm down the dip of her hip, and let his mouth veer off hers, to kiss the warm scars of her cheek and the sharpness of her jawline. She sighed into the attention.

What was it that Kaidan had said? That she liked to be _appreciated?_ Well. James could do that.

He shifted his weight, guiding Shepard to lay flat on her back as he let his body hover over hers on all fours, one knee between Shepard’s. She watched him, all hint of the teasing smile gone from her mouth, leaving her gaze serious. He ran his mouth, open and warm along her collarbones, kissing with the barest hint of dampness down her sternum til he hit the black cotton of her bra.

“Now, I'm going to need help with this.” James said, and he aimed for funny but instead it came out rough and gravelly. He leant back and let Shepard sit up.

“Here, let me,” and suddenly Kaidan was there at Shepard’s back, deftly undoing the mag clasp and sliding the straps off her narrow shoulders, letting the tips of his fingers graze the curve of Shepard’s breasts as he slipped the straps down her arms.

Shepard settled onto her back, Kaidan onto his side, calves touching James’ but still holding himself somewhat distinct from it all. Shepard tugged the Major’s face in for a kiss, and murmured, “You’re allowed to touch me too, you know.”

Kaidan kissed her again, with enthusiasm, then gently shook his head. “I’m just here as moral support,” he replied, and he aimed for funny just as James had, the difference being, he actually managed to hit it. All three of them laughed. It was at least a little bit ridiculous to have wound up here after all.

James stayed on his knees, and though his heart was bursting with love for Kaidan and hanging out somewhere in his throat, he let his large hands cover Shepard’s shoulders, and just as he imagined but so much more, let his fingertips trail lightly over her décolletage, her bare breasts, stuttering slightly at her dark nipples, her flat stomach, finally running through the little indents by her hips.

This wasn't as strange as it could have been, James thought. Sure, she had tits, but this was Commander Shepard laid long and sighing slightly under his hands, and he reckoned she actually had more muscle mass than some men he’d slept with in the past. There was barely an ounce of fat on her, blue glow from the fish tank turning her normally bronze brown skin a cooler shade. Her skin was pulled taut across a flat abdomen and perfectly muscled arms. He gently took her wrists, and asking with his eyes, placed them over her head so he could kiss into the sensitive inside of her biceps, a move Kaidan loved and was no less popular here.

In his exploration he discovered a few oddities that were not anything to do with _women_ and everything to do with Shepard. Where her skin was weak or drawn particularly tight over bones, like the knife sharp points of her hips or the soft insides of wrists, James could actually feel the skin weave with his mouth, a rough, artificial note in a wash of impossibly soft skin.

In two places he could feel the implants under her skin; the row of six sub dermals in the top of her right forearm for her state-of-the-art omni tool; James only had three. And the back of her neck had plating in it, protecting the vulnerable top of her spine. When he lightly bit into the skin, eliciting a gasp and an arch to her back, he could literally feel the plates shift under his mouth.

There were the scars, of course. He wasn't sure why he was surprised that they reached past her face. There was an almost geometric pattern of them against her back. James was used to seeing the flex of muscles distinct under his own skin, and it wasn’t that different here, with the addition of faintly glowing lines outlining the swoop of her latissimus dorsi, her traps. There were two perfectly vertical lines running down either side of her spine, as though it were a repair panel that could simply be opened back up, and they gave him pause. He’d heard she’d been woken before the healing process had finished, and this was the proof. She might have been a work of art, but one taken off the easel whilst wet, and hastily rolled up before it could dry.

He kissed each line thoroughly, skin sometimes impossibly warm but he went with it, not questioning it, not questioning her. As promised, she seemed in utterly no hurry, constant flow of sighs and almost-moans encouraging his attention. He spared only a single moment to wonder she was simply putting on those noises of pleasure for his sake, then dismissed it. Bodies were bodies, and there was no one in this galaxy who wouldn’t like being kissed all over by one James Vega.

Kaidan simply watched, practised his selflessness. He wasn't kidding when he said this was James’ show; his own ache for Shepard could be put aside for this. This was more important than Shepard's hands on him, mouth firm on his cock or any of the dizzy memories swirling through him as he watched her under James's attention. She flicked her eyes over to him every now and then, not forgetting his presence, but again, by this strange mutual affection for the man, agreeing it was James' place to decide what would happen next.

James has kissed and lapped almost every inch of her body, up and down, kissing the hard cross-hatch of weave up the inside of her thigh, and paused where the line of her thigh met that final border of her black panties. His cock was achingly hard inside his briefs, left on out of some strange sense of decorum, and the sensation of fabric against the head was almost enough for him to lose concentration on the job at hand.

He breathed, and ran his tongue, wet and lingering, against where the cotton met her skin. Shepard squirmed against the sensation of his mouth. He steeled himself, and shifting legs out of the way, tugged the garment down, Kaidan once again just there to help, picking up where James' reach left off to tug the cloth over her feet and toss it away.

James slid back up to kiss Shepard's mouth, and thoroughly, because mouths were safe, and Shepard gladly kissed and licked into his mouth while he gathered his thoughts. Kaidan ran an easy hand up James’ back.

"You ok there, Lieutenant?" she asked, still managing something close to wry despite the glassy look of her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm good," James replied, and Shepard, even with lips parted in a damp pant, watched him carefully for any sign of dissent as she took his hand, and guided it between her legs.

His whole body was held tense above her, always conscious of his bulk, weight on one arm. She laid his fingers flat against her cunt, and _pressed_ , so his middle fingers slipped into the slick folds, feeling her center. He could feel the soft fuzz of her hair against his palm and she was so wet as to be practically liquid. For the first time in their little experiment, James moaned into Shepard's mouth at the sensation. He couldn't explain to anyone why that was so hot, so perfect, and the best thing about this situation was that he didn't have to.

Grip still steely over James' hand, she guided his fingers, spreading her wetness. Her eyes didn't leave his as she forced his hand to run a hard little circle over her clit, and James watched, enchanted, as her eyebrows drew sharply together and she choked on her breath.

"Kaidan." she murmured flatly, voice as rough as James' had been earlier. "Be a dear and get James' underwear for me, would you?"

"Mm." Kaidan, himself only in blue briefs, jumped to obey from his position of observation. Kneeling next to them, he let his nails scratch against James hips as he pulled down the familiar underwear, letting the elastic snap briefly against James' skin. He paused over the two of them, James hovering his hard body between Shepard's legs, Shepard's face framed by the crook of James' shoulder, looking steadily more flushed. They looked beautiful, and Kaidan paused to kiss the top of James' spine, his neck, and James' allowed himself to be pulled from his deep concentration to turn and messily cram his mouth in Kaidan's, attempting to pour something like gratitude into the motion.

"C'mere," Shepard muttered hoarsely, and released James hand, tugged his hips to rest against hers, and his recently freed cock was pressed between them, the friction and heat of her cunt nigh unbearable.

" _Dios_ , Lola, I don't, I never-" James suddenly burst out, finishing the thought with a long moan, body humming with tension, with need and want and confusion.

Shepard hushed him, flinging her arms around his neck and hauling his body weight down onto her. "Do you want to stop?" she asked into his neck.

"I- no. No I don’t. Fuck." Shepard rolled her hips up against him, and he could feel her wetness against him, and it would be a simple matter to just, to just-

Shepard wormed her hand between them to guide him, but it was Kaidan's mouth James found himself kissing, because this was, at the end of the day, fucking terrifying in all the ways he couldn't explain, and to have the warm familiarity of Kaidan's tongue against his was a light in the unfamiliar darkness.

Shepard, one hand clenching James's hip and the other wrapped around his dick, rolled her hips against him again, engulfing the head and a decent percentage of the rest of him in one slick movement. The sound she made was throaty, something base and guttural. James nearly levitated in panic because he'd heard her make that noise before in pain. He had a sudden memory of Shepard holding a long, painful graze in her hair, invisible but for the blood leaking through her clutching fingers.

"Fuck James, _fuck_ me," she growled when he froze.

Ah. Ok, sweet. Here then, was confirmation of his previous fantasies about Shepard, and he wasn't going to argue.

She made it simple for him; even with his bulk over her, Shepard knew how she liked to be fucked. Heels dug into the back of his thighs, one hand at his waist, thumb creating a bruising dent in his line of his hip bone. The other hand gripped the wrist he supported himself on, and between the anchor points, Shepard set the rhythm, tendons rippling as she shifted, liquid and graceful below him.

She kept making those noises, harsh little pants as she pulled and pressed with hands and feet, and James threw himself into it. He was scarcely aware of Kaidan beside them, cock hard in his shorts but untouched, close enough that the rocking movement of their limbs sometimes touched him, but he made no move to join, simply watched avidly.

Everything was Shepard. There was an instruction here, even if she hadn't voiced it, and James listened fiercely, rocking his hips into her as per orders, and for brief moments he even kept the sensation of her slick cunt around him at bay.

Just when he thought he had a handle on it, Shepard swore and tightened the grip around his wrist, grabbing the flesh of his ass with the other and _fucking_ him, encouraging him to thrust harder and the room was nothing but harsh pants and the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Everything in his body coalesced down to a single point, he couldn't even feel Kaidan's hand on his ass, and there was a roaring in James' ears as sensation whirled firstly in his stomach, through trembling arms and prickling in his scalp as he came, having at least the presence of mind to collapse his torso slightly offset from Shepard's small frame.

"Sorry," James muttered to the room at large.

"It's ok, gorgeous, you were better than a fifteen year old boy and that's all I was really hoping for." Shepard said mercilessly, disentangling and wriggling out for underneath him.

James just groaned, face pushed into a pillow as Kaidan cuddled in close. Kaidan pressed a kiss to the stubble on James' head whilst attempting not to laugh. Kaidan's head was swimming, almost elated, and he wasn't even post-orgasmic. His own body was clamouring for attention, but this little... experiment had been about James. Now that man of the hour was lying sweaty and spent in a heap between them, the bisexual hypothesis seemingly proven, Kaidan was happy to let it slide. His dick would quiet down after awhile.

James lifted his head slightly. "So you didn’t... you didn't get to?" he asked Shepard, boyish hope in his voice.

Shepard laughed. "No, James, I didn't come." She kissed the side of his face that she could reach, smiling slightly, colour still high. Her eyes flicked over to Kaidan, over James’ head, lighting quick. "But I may still yet."

"Huh?" James asked, still dazed and mostly-face down.

But Kaidan had caught the look, and any plans of his erection just quietly going away disappeared.

There was a lot of limbs, and Commander or no, the bed was still not designed for three people. Manoeuvring over James’ prone form was an undertaking, but Shepard managed it with only a few wobbly chuckles, sinking her weight between the two men and wiggling until James moved over to make space.

Kaidan stopped breathing. There was that moment again, time compressed, as Shepard brushed her long hair off her face and smiled, not predatory but inviting. She looked… softer, face flushed, and Kaidan could almost pretend he couldn’t see the scars, that nothing had changed.

“Is this ok?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan wasn’t sure if she was asking him or James.

“Yeah,” James replied, propping his head up on his hand. “Yeah, you guys… do your thing.”

After all, why would she ask Kaidan that? She hadn’t done any wrong by him, had she? Except have him in her bed every night for a month and barely look at him during the day. Except never reply to his heartfelt apology, and almost shoot him.

She hadn’t done anything wrong by him except die.

That the scarred mouth quirking up at him in an inviting question was the same one he’d kissed almost two years ago couldn’t be true.

And it wasn’t, he realized. It wasn’t the same eyes, wasn’t the same mouth. Everything had changed, Shepard had changed, he had changed. And he was ok with that.

So he kissed her.

The gentleness she’d used with James was gone, and Kaidan let himself be swept away. She pressed her mouth to his, tugged his hair, and crushed every line of her body against him. She pulled down his underwear, reaching a foot up to snag them when they got tangled at his knees, yanking them off his feet with hers.

Like an expert wrestler, she hooked one knee beneath him, and gripping the opposite wrist, neatly levered him between her legs, settling him there.

“Still sure about this?” She asked, glancing at James.

James swallowed. This looked exactly how he imagined it, yet so very different. “He’s all yours, Lola.”

As she spoke Kaidan slipped a hand between their bodies to run soft and practised rings around her clit. Plenty of things might have changed, but the reaction was straight from his memory, the catch in her breath and gritted teeth.

She was wet, and with an almost shameful little lurch Kaidan realized of course she was, because it was her own arousal mixed with James’ come, and Kaidan never thought he would find that hot but it was, painfully, undeniably hot. Even though he’d always been into men and women he’d never been with men _and_ women and there he was, 36 and still brand new experiences to be had.

All his self-talk about things having changed was hard to hold onto when he entered her, because it was Shepard, his Shepard, who’d never really been his, and as he bottomed out, feeling her slick body down the full length of his cock, he simply buried his head into her neck, her hair, and breathed as he fucked her.

She didn’t steer with the same vice like grip she had used on James, her body trusting Kaidan’s to do it right. When he pulled out and murmured, “On your side,” James half expected her to laugh in his face, instead of wordlessly obeying, breathing rough through her mouth.

Like lovers who knew the shape of their connection, they settled into a new position, Kaidan’s body curved behind Shepard, and James didn’t doubt that Kaidan had gone to this because now both of them could watch James, watching them. Shepard tugged James in closer so that he could feel the impact of each thrust translated from Kaidan’s hips to hers, and finally to James. He kissed her, feeling her pant with each movement, because what else did you do when your boyfriend was fucking your Commander?

“Squeeze her tits, James." This was a side of Kaidan James knew and loved, the rasping orders that came out around now, when he was lost somewhere in that space between his usually steely control and complete loss of it.

James obeyed, hands dwarfing the Commander’s breasts, making it easy to catch her hard nipples between his fingers and squeeze.

If he thought she looked wrecked before, it was nothing compared to now, hair a tangled mess, eyes half shut and mouth a constant slurry of almost-words, murmurs and moans that she kissed into James’ mouth sloppily. Kaidan, he saw, had snaked a hand around, fingers firm on the point of Shep’s mound, and rocked her steadily between his cock and his hand. James could see the tension rippling out from there, her thighs tense as she steadily disappeared into the stimulation.

They had all been deluding themselves, before it had even begun. When Shepard came, roughened voice building to a harsh crescendo, it might have been against Kaidan’s hand and around his dick, but her orgasm was practically _screamed_ into James’ mouth.

In the echoes of the cry, bouncing around the cabin, James could hear any chance they had of this just being a one off, a thought experiment, being ejected out the nearest ‘lock. He held her through it, winded despite his lack of participation, listening to the familiar stuttering of Kaidan’s rhythm and breathing as he came.

Shepard could feel it too, the sense of inevitability eddying around their slowing calming breaths, and James could see a wide-eyed look on her face for a moment, something he couldn't identify, chased away by a dazed smile.

"Dibs on first shower!" she said, interrupting his reverie, scooting out from between them and disappearing into the bathroom.

Kaidan didn't even watch her walk away, instead pulling James to him. Even as he caught his own breath, his first instinct was James. Kaidan touched his shoulder, his cheek, cupped the back of his neck, and tugged James into him, the bigger man flowing like mercury into Kaidan's arms.

"You ok?" Kaidan asked, and one day he was sure James would get sick of him asking that, but for now, he just nodded into Kaidan's shoulder.

They started to doze off like that, as the sound of the shower came on, both of them strangely feeling closer than ever, despite or because of literally letting Shepard come between them.

***

Kaidan woke to the sound of Shepard's vid conference.

"-doesn't look good."

“I know. But people are relying on you.” The voice from the screen was low, female, with that indistinct Spacer lilt, same as Shepard, like you’d thrown several accents in a blender and drunk the product.

“People are always relying on me, Captain.”

“And I have no doubt that you’ll do a wonderful job, no matter what. It’s only fitting.”

Shepard sighed, rubbing her forehead.

Kaidan glanced over to her. He'd thought she was waiting to speak to Hackett, though it didn’t take a genius to figure out who was on the other line. He was mildly impressed that Shepard conducted vidcom meetings with her mother without her pants on. She'd buttoned back on her somewhat crinkled dress jacket, and pinned her hair back up, but he could see her bare brown legs under the desk, one foot crossed daintily over the other.

“Anyway. It’s lovely to speak with you, Hannah.”

“And you, Captain Shepard.” Kaidan saw the light of the console dim as the Shepard’s signed off.

He climbed out of bed, leaving a slumbering James behind.

“Thought you said you were meeting with Hackett,” Kaidan said softly, approaching her.

“Yeah well, it’s not very cool, is it? Gotta run, boys, I’ve got a meeting with my mother,” she laughed self deprecatingly as she spun on the chair to face him.

“You always call her Captain?” Kaidan kept his voice down.

“What, you don’t call your family members by their rank?” she joked.

Kaidan didn’t say anything, just watched her, slowly pulling himself from his sleep-befuddled state.

“Yeah, I know, it’s strange.” She answered the unvoiced comment. “It’s just the way it’s always been.”

Kaidan was suddenly glad Shepard wasn't wearing pants; it made him less painfully aware of the fact that he was naked but for his sleepily pulled-on briefs. He stood awkwardly for a moment, no idea what he’d gotten out of bed to say, no idea what the protocol was for this type of situation. Hell, he didn’t even know what type of situation this was.

“James it a real bear for sleeping, huh?” Shepard asked, glancing over in the bed’s direction. It was as good a subject as any, Kaidan supposed.

“Yeah. Must be the shuttle bay. He can sleep through anything.” Kaidan hovered. Almost went to lift his hands, to touch her. And he wondered if she could see him thinking, what now? What happened between them now? Did anything change?

Suddenly, she was on her feet in front of him. She kissed him sweet and gentle in the way her mouth knew the feel of but not the sound. Breaking the kiss, she shook her head ever so slightly at him.

"Listen, Shepard-"

"Speaking of the shuttlebay," she shook her head more firmly, "I think you two better get back there before day cycle starts up." She didn't sound angry, merely firm. It was a voice that was used to being obeyed, and Kaidan read the message loud and clear. She didn't want to talk about it.

He felt his lips press together. He recognized those walls around Shepard, in her eyes, snapping up around her whole body, and he was the one who'd been stupid enough to hope, hope that this time would be different, that the Shepard who kissed him and moaned into his mouth would bleed more heavily into the one who snapped orders and slept alone.

He guessed he'd been wrong. He went to find his clothes and wake James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They may yet get a happy ending, but this isn't it.


	12. Jeez, Everyone is Really Fucking In It Now.

 

James held  the paneling steady as Steve worked over  it with his  omni  tool, rapidly constructing  the first layer to repair the tears in the shuttle’s hull. 

“Seriously, you don’t have to help. I’m sure I could get a drone to do it.” 

James just rolled his eyes.  “You really know how to make a guy feel special, Esteban.” 

Steve laughed as he worked.  His usual demurral never worked on James.

The repairs were probably  ninety percent cosmetic. The Kodiak had  taken some damage on the last mission, and until they could dock her, the shuttle would probably be very slightly compromised. But he’d do what he could until then. 

“Well, if you insist,  Mr  Vega. Hand me the next material, would you?” 

James handed Steve the feed for the second layer  of repairs. The first layer was a mesh primer that created a template for the gap. The second layer was the structural repair, though fixing it by hand like this was not… ideal. One did the best they could with the resources at hand in wartime though, Steve thought grimly. He took the feed for the the  specialized dense  omni -gel feed from James, and got to work.

They worked in companionable silence for a while, James switching feeds for the fabricator and holding it steady as Steve worked. On a mass production scale this whole thing would be automated, but the work of repairing the Harvester’s long, distinct tears down the shuttle’s side required a human touch.  

“How’s the Major?” Steve asked suddenly. 

“What? Oh- he’s good. We’re- we’re good.” The question had taken James by surprise. It wasn’t the first time Steve had asked about the relationship; there had been little point keeping it secret when Steve and Kaidan were crossing paths most mornings anyway. But it was the first time he’d asked since things had taken an… unconventional turn.  

It had been almost inevitable that the three of them would wind up in bed,  against a wall, hands and asses pressed into Shepard’s console, her  fishtank,  _anywhere,_  again . What was mildly surprising was that it had taken them less than 24 hours to do so.

James had been in the wards, on his way to pinging Joker to ask if he could put the Normandy up in a poker game, when a message from Shepard had practically _begged_ him to come assist her on a  mission. The mission was dragging Kaidan to P urgatory, despite his reluctance. She was desperate, she said, to let loose after  another  day spent beating her head against t he solid wall that was the C ouncil , and when adding pressure from James to the already prodigious force of a request from Shepard, Kaidan had caved in .

They didn’t  even make it back to Shepard’s quarters. 

Drunk and amorous,  James couldn’t even remember whose idea it had been to get a hotel, or if someone had even suggested it. Maybe it had just been natural coalescence, a consensus they’d reached without speaking. Maybe at this point, it was easier not to.

James was… shy, at first, about going down on Shepa rd. He’d spent literally years perfecting a good blowjob, and didn’t want his time spent between  anyone’s  legs to be anything less than mind blowing. So, when it came down to it… he hesitated. 

The hair at the crown of James’ head was only just long enough for someone to grip in their fist. One hand in Kaidan’s, one hand determinedly curled into James’ scalp, it  hadn’t take n long for Shepard  to help James get over his worries.

The  second  time had been  en  route to their next assignment. After Shepard packed her crew back on the Normandy, they’d set off for  Utukku . Unfortunately, the  Ninmah  cluster was about as far away from Citadel space as you could get, and even with relays there was a fair chunk of transit involved.

Shepard pinged him about twelve hours in, and  James had spent the elevator ride almost nauseous . Had the message from Shepard inviting him up  to come  “alleviate my boredom,  please,”  been sent to just him? How  was  he  g oing to politely decline?  But the fear melted to nothing at the sound of murmured conversation, of Kaidan’s low rasp and Shepard’s smooth sarcasm, and James found himself grinning in anticipation before the door to Shepard's quarters even slid shut. 

If there had even been a question that he wanted to be with women, with this woman in particular, it seemed all too easy to forget as Shepard flowed to standing, welcoming him to the cabin by coiling a vice-like grip around his neck, and pulling him down to seal her mouth to his.   


After the third time, it seemed they were going to stop looking for excuses. 

Steve paused at James’ response. He lifted his eyes from the whirring fabricator and looked at James, almost pointedly. 

“What?” James said defensively 

“Nothing.” The fabricator continued to whir, and Cortez peered back down at his work, concentrating deeply.  

The silence stretched on. 

In another time, another life, there might have been something between James and Steve. Certainly the rest of the crew speculated. Two gay men co-managing the same station? Gossip was an unavoidable  pastime  in the sardine can of an Alliance ship.  But the first time that they’d met, Steve had been a happily marri ed man, and James was not the kind to covet. Until recently, it seemed.

And the second time  Steve and James had met ? James swore he almost hadn’t needed to be told. He’d clasped Esteban’s arm and felt the pull on his own heart, like Steve was a pit, a black hole that would drag you in and down if you weren’t careful. Steve’s pain sprayed out from his own form, black, bleeding edges all over the shuttle bay, and James didn’t need to be told that stepping any closer than he already was would be dangerous to his health. 

Cortez wasn’t… better, as such, in the months since they’d fled earth, but he’d slowly gripped the pain that was  overspilling  from him, hauled it back inside, stemming the flow that threatened to drown anyone around him.   And somewhere in that process, James had felt it safer to approach, to step inside what whirling mess and let himself him care about Steve  again. 

Once Steve had molded in the final layer, flat to the undamaged paneling, he was vain enough to send James to search for a paint gel.  

When James returned with it, Cortez got to work, shifting settings on his tool and painstakingly spray-painting over the repairs.  

“I don’t want to see you get hurt,” he said suddenly.  

James rocked back on his heels, hands briefly lifting from the work.  “K would never hurt me.” He spoke  with certainly. 

“No. He wouldn’t,” and was it James imagination, or did Steve put a slight emphasis on “he” ?  James’ part in the shuttle repair work hadn’t required all  that much brain power to begin with , and now he found his mind completely elsewhere.  

Whatever Steve was driving at, he might have been right. James had made a promise to himself when he’d boarded that Normandy; flexibility, above all else, roll with the punches. And he’d needed every ounce of that flexibility, because serving under Shepard had been unlike anything he’d ever done before.  Rachni , reapers, the cold ,  dead  air of an AI space station,  and now he’d found himself facing a whole new unknown, one that had nothing to do with the war and everything to do with the feel of being crushed between two warm, hard bodies and overwhelmed with the sensation of hands everywhere. 

Steve was peering with deep concentration at the paint work, halfway through the largest tear, work gleaming and pristine behind him. His silence seemed to be asking more questions of James, and he couldn’t help but answer them. 

“Sometimes I worry… now’s not the best time to be…  y’know .” James gaze was steady on the damage done to shuttle. One did their best not to dwell on the possibility, but if  Liara  and  Kaidan  hadn’t dragged that harvester down in t andem, Cortez and the Kodiak  would have been peeled open like a tin can.  

“In a relationship?” Steve glanced at James. “Falling in love?” 

James’ face burned. W as that what was happening? He loved Kaidan; he’d known that for  a while . And Shepard… it was hard to know, with her. She cut swathes through hordes of husks and smiled as she wiped viscera from her un-helmeted face, the same smile that she flashed at him when gripped his ass and urged him onwards. Sometimes tears leaked out the corners of her eyes when she came, but James wasn’t sure if awe of either of those things was love. 

“Yeah,” was all he managed.  

“Well, you’ve got to do what makes you happy. You can’t deny yourself that just because times are tough. Maybe it’s when we need it most.” Steve looked like he was conflicted but ploughed on anyway. “Just… some people are willing to do whatever it takes to win, you know? No regard for their own future, or those that… would be left behind." Steve finished the last line, and looked up at James.  “Just… be careful, ok?” 

“Yeah.” James replied, and though he appreciated everything Steve said, James found himself unable to look the other man in the eye.  

*** 

The thing about war was, you couldn't be on all the time. Of course, there were missions, and periods of time like a long summer where you didn’t think you’d ever be cool again, and battles where James didn’t think he would ever be calm again, the adrenaline coursing through his body a constant companion, keeping him alive, keeping him stable. And of course there were times where he was sick with  fear; he thought about Emilio,  the beaches where he grew up. Were they still there? Were they overrun by reapers, drowned in husks? Could he ever return? More importantly, was he doing enough to make it so others could? 

But the other thing about war was that both fear and adrenaline were a finite resource; the body only made so much, and there were times, though he tried not to hate himself for it, where he’d run dry of terror, of constant, nagging guilt, and he felt calm, and restful, and  _ bored. _

He supposed that Shepard must have been the same, and that’s must have been why, after Shepard had inherited (been gifted, he wasn’t dead yet) an apartment from Anderson, pretty much everyone who was anyone wound up mysteriously with shore leave at the same time and a passcode on their ‘tool to get into Shepard’s place one night.  Spectre  privileges, Shepard said with a wink. 

“Hey Shepard, whose guarding the Normandy?”  Garrus  asked, keen eyes measuring out a whole two drinks for him and  Tali . 

“Redshirts.” She replied. 

“Shepard!” Kaidan admonished almost instinctively.

“Fine, ok, I’m sorry. It’s docked in a c-sec space, it’s guarded by half the fucking force, Baily himself helped pick crew for it, as wel l as Westmoreland, and Campbell , who are all  perfectly capable  soldiers, even if I don’t take them groundside. Happy? Joker?” 

“It’ll do, I suppose.” Joker grumbled.  

“Besides, we’re on the Citadel. What could possibly go wrong?” Shepard dropped a huge and lusty wink. The fact that she could joke about almost having to shoot Kaidan in the coup was something he found both terrifying and endearing. The two bled into one another, he supposed. 

It was nice to be able to relax, James supposed. Shepard's impressive stock of booze was looking well dented, several crew members' dignity along with it, and the night was starting to have that feel of a balloon the next morning when James found Kaidan by himself in the back bar.   


“Hey, K. You  seen  Shepard in  awhile ?” 

Kaidan had obviously escaped back here for a bit of quiet, though he smiled and lifted a glass at James' entry. James shot a quick glance around the room. Jack and Miranda had been holding up the bar in here before, though now were  no where  to be seen either. Maybe a girly slumber party happening somewhere? 

“Actually, no," Kaidan said thoughtfully. "It’s getting late, maybe she passed out." 

“Mmm. She _was_ hitting it pretty hard.” James observed, ducking behind the bar and closing the space between him and the older man. James grinned as he glanced over Kaidan’s shoulder to see no one was watching them, putting both hands on the bar on either side of Kaidan’s waist and kissing him, chest pressed to chest.  

Kaidan hummed into James’ mouth, sliding one hand to James’ sacrum and digging his fingers in.  

James was feeling lavish, buzzing with alcohol and spirits and  _life_ ,  wanting to grip this moment like he gripped Kaidan’s ass, grinding his body in close. “I love you,” he murmured. 

Kaidan smiled, arms still wrapped loosely around James’ waist, and it was one of those slow surprised smiles that James loved, the kind that looked as though not even Kaidan knew where they would end.  

“I love you too." Even if it took a little booze to get the words flowing more freely, Kaidan would take it. "I wonder whose made claim to the spare room?” 

“Oh man, already?" James nuzzled his face down and into Kaidan's neck suggestively. "Damn.” 

Kaidan murmured an affirmative, hand having dropped affectionately to James’ ass; seemed like despite Kaidan’s retreat, the Lieutenant wasn’t the only one letting the booze dictate the mood. 

As though in answer to their unasked mutual propositioning, both their  omni  tools beeped in tandem.  

_ Malenko LTVega  – Don’t think anyone will miss me. Spa? _

James laughed as  he closed his message,  turning to head upstairs.  He already felt his cheekbones, and more buzzing, with  anticipation. He was hooked,  he knew,  drunk on more than just the tequila. 

“James,” Kaidan caught his wrist. James looked back at him, quizzical. 

“It doesn’t have to be like this.” 

James continued to stare. He was maybe a shade drunker than Kaidan; the Major tended to watch his booze intake in a way that depressingly reminded James how much older he was. “What do you mean?” 

“With Shepard. You… I don’t want you to think you have to. Like you’re not enough.” 

James was drunk but he wasn’t dumb, and he was big and unexamined and encouraged people to think of him that way, but he wasn’t a comple te emotional cinderblock. Inebriated  or not, he  heard the inverse of Kaidan’s statement in between the words. _ I don’t want you to think you not enough for me; I still want to be enough for you. _

He gathered as much of Kaidan as he could in his arms. Sometimes talking wasn’t James’ forte; he did his best to let the embrace speak for him, holding Kaidan for a long moment before picking up the slack with words.  

“Of course I'm enough. How could I not be?" His shiteating grin softened when Kaidan didn't huff out his usual laugh at James' bragging. "You and me… we’re good, no? We’re great.”  

Kaidan nodded wordlessly in the circle of James’ arms. 

“I keep meaning to… to thank you both, for doing this for me.”    _Dios,_ but this had gotten real serious real quick.  


Kaidan half snorted. “It’s not like I’m not getting anything out of it.” 

“I know, I know but… This thing with Lola, it’s… it’s fun, yeah?” They pulled back enough from the embrace to look at each other. 

Fun. Yeah. Kaidan swallowed as he nodded. “We can stop anytime," he said hoarsely. 

_ We can stop at  anytime _ _._ That might have been the tru th, but they for the moment they were both all too good at telling themselves something closer to lies.  They linked hands, barely even concerned who might have seen them, and headed upstairs. 

They weren’t going to stop, and both of them knew it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've slightly changed the order of things; story telling stuff means I needed the action beats of the Citadel DLC to happen AFTER the party. So, party now, smutty goodness for the next chapter, action after that. <3.


	13. Who Would Have Thought This Massive Bedroom and Bathroom Would Come In Handy For This?

Shepard transferred entry codes to their omni tools, so the doors to the master bedroom opened as soon as the two men were in proximity to it. 

“In here!” she hailed from the bathroom. James smirked, already peeling off his tee.

James, quickly shirtless, paused and nodded for Kaidan to go ahead of him. Kaidan knew why; James had explained there was something about the Commander that made him feel like he was sixteen years old again, fumbling and foolish. He still, despite everything, liked to have Kaidan’s presence, comfort of the familiar softening the effect.   

Kaidan stepped into the ensuite, air thick with steam, efficiently stripping off. Shepard was naked beneath the heated water, seated in the corner of the huge square bath, smiling almost serenely.   

He slid into the water and waded over to her. She was rosy cheeked, turbulent surface of the water just tantalizingly covering the slight curve of her breasts. Kaidan noted the wet sheen of her sharp collarbones as he sank to his knees in front of her. 

"Nice party, Shep. Shame to miss it." he murmured, nudging her knees with his hands. She let her legs fall open and he floated in closer, thighs against the riser, Shepard's knees pressing into the outside of his hips.   

"Mmm," was her only response, sitting up to kiss him, mouth hot and damp against his. She ran firm hands up his side and lightly bit his lip, sending lighting down into his belly, his cock. "I think I'll survive," she said huskily.   

James chose that moment to enter the water with perhaps more gusto that was required, the swell of the surface swamping Shepard, soaking her hair and making her splutter. "Fuck me!" 

Kaidan laughed. James half walked, half-waded over, sinking to his knees behind Kaidan to hook his chin over one shoulder, chest pressed to Kaidan's back. Kaidan could only imagine the expression, the teasing grin levelled down at Shepard. There was something about taking the edge off James' sobriety that made him more... was cute the right word? Effusive, maybe, like telling Kaidan downstairs that he loved him. It wasn't the James wasn't usually an affectionate person, but Kaidan liked the energy that a slightly intoxicated James gave off. "That's the plan, Lola." 

Shepard laughed, wiping water from her face, and it was best like this, when she was laughing. There were too many times lately when she looked like she'd never laugh again, like she'd forgotten how to. And she wasn't the kind of person whom Kaidan could simply drag into his arms, to kiss the deep lines from the side of her mouth away like he could with James. She was more likely to reassure, to deflect, and it killed him.   

So if he could give her this, these moments where she was wet, and breathy, and grinning, goddamnit if he wasn't going to do just that, despite the ache in his heart.   

James wasted no time in snaking his hands round the older man's waist. Kaidan could barely distinguish the warmth of the hands around his middle from the warmth of the water. He was still laughing when James put a firm hand on his cock, his laughter catching at the sensation. 

Kaidan was surrounded, pressed between them, James' hand around his cock and Shepard's mouth on his own, sucking and biting into his lips. He dropped his hands, dipping them into the water to squeeze her nipples, tugging, teasing, enjoying her gasp against his mouth. 

Encouraged, breath shortening, James' hand still working languorously on his cock under the water, Kaidan slid his own hand down Shepard's stomach, mouth still on hers.   

James bit into Kaidan's shoulder, eliciting a gasp as he pressed his hand to Shepard's slit, and she scooted her ass forward as he did, inviting, shoulder's slipping deep into the water. 

"Kaidan," she gasped into his mouth.   

He hummed in response and she said his name more sharply, slicing through the booze and lust and steam-filled fog that was starting to overtake him. "What?" he responded. James loosened his hand. 

"This was a terrible idea." Shepard replied, voice steady. "I'm going to drown." Kaidan felt James snort into his shoulder. "Not to mention I can't suck anyone's dick from here.” The corner of her mouth quirked up, and suddenly she was using the _commander_ voice. “We're getting out." 

They obeyed, and Shepard slapped open a panel to grab towels. It was lucky that the apartment was ludicrously lavish, because three dripping soldiers took up the entire bathroom; they wouldn't have even fit in a smaller ensuite.

More exercises in excess; the bed was huge, bigger even than the one in Shepard's cabin. Not that they needed it for the moment; Shepard didn't even let the damp Major reach the bed before grabbing his hand, dropping to her knees, a muffled thunk on the lush carpet. Kaidan almost felt himself smile in disbelief, because wasn’t that a sight, Shepard’s thick hair darkened with water, smirking up at him as she teasingly, gently, kissed the tip of his cock. 

Kaidan watched as Shepard, ever hyper-aware of her surroundings, interrupted James’ awkward hover before it could even start, gripping his hand and pulling him down to kneel beside her. The sound of his knees hitting the floor was significantly louder than Shepard’s, and the younger man laughed a little at his gracelessness, curving an arm around Shepard’s shoulders. He dropped his mouth to kiss the line of her jaw, already learning, knowing so intimately the spots that would make her sigh, tightening her grip on Kaidan’s achingly hard cock. Kaidan wasn’t smiling any more, mouth parted, wetting his lips instinctively as Shepard put her mouth back on him, James still kissing into her neck, mouth moving inexorably toward where Shepard’s lips met Kaidan. 

James eyes flicked upwards when he kissed the corner of Shepard mouth, and his eyes were so full, so earnest, that if Kaidan had been breathing before, he sure wasn’t now. She slipped her wet lips off the head of Kaidan’s cock to kiss into James’ mouth, slick and fervent.

Kaidan stared down at them, thinking he should look away, should stop them, as if this wasn't fucking wonderful. Because even through the supposed inhibition-lowering effects of a few drinks, he couldn't stop feeling guilty about it.   

James _loved him_ and James _trusted_ him, and James was sharing kisses with Shepard practically around the head of Kaidan's dick and it was Kaidan who had led him here. Kaidan had encouraged this mess. He'd let it happen because... well, he was getting everything he wanted. But it wasn't good for you to get everything you could want, to have two people on their knees in front of you, to have someone love you and happily share you. It wasn't good for the ego to get everything you wanted. 

Or so he heard. 

Their mouths on Kaidan were borderline worship of his cock. Shepard's little grins showed her obvious relish for the feel of Kaidan in her mouth, or maybe it was the way she ran encouraging hands over James' neck and head when he took over, still holding love in his eyes and talented mouth/ Both their mouths were slick with spit and it was too much, _too much._ Kaidan interrupted them, pulling James to his feet and kissing him desperately, tugging his broad body onto the bed with him, holding him tight, trying to tell him _I love you too_ , and _I hope you don't think I'm selfish, I hope you're here for a better reason that just "because Kaidan asked you to be."_ He didn't know if he could handle that thought. 

Kaidan distantly noted Shepard was rustling around in a side drawer table as he practically dragged James down atop him. 

"Hey guys." They glanced at Shepard, who obviously found what she was looking for, in the form of a sleek-looking black cock attached to a tangle of straps. Kaidan felt his mouth curve into a slow smile before she even opened her mouth again. She was very good at stopping him from getting caught up in a swirl of thoughts that might just lead him down the drain. 

"Who bottoms?" She asked matter-of-factly. "Coz I've got an _idea."_

Kaidan and James looked at one another. This was not something they'd played with much. It required too much forethought, and was incompatible with their little nook in the shuttle bay, evenings where they collapsed into bed too tired to do much except cling to one another. 

That was not to say that Kaidan didn't enjoy it, of course. 

Kaidan looked closer at the contraption that Shepard held. It looked pretty self-explanatory for the most part, phallus, harness, but there was an extra set of flat paneling in the tangle. 

"What is that?" he enquired as James slid his body off to one side, placing Kaidan between him and Shepard, giving him a position to watch both their faces with open curiosity. 

"Cybernetic strap on." Shepard said, and her smile was one of creeping, satisfied pride. "These bits," she tapped the two mesh panels, "sit against my lower back. Proximity fields interface with the implants in the base of my spine, transforms the friction into sensation and communicates it up to my brain." She was really grinning now. "Tech like this is produced en masse, of course, but my Cerberus upgrades are proprietary, so I had to … customize." 

"Nice work, Shepard." She was grinning like a school kid waiting for praise, and Kaidan was happy to give it to her, even if he was stifling a laugh. 

"Miranda helped, of course," she added impishly. 

" _Cerberus_ helped you make a strap-on?" Kaidan asked disbelievingly. 

"I didn't say Cerberus, I said Miranda." Shepard's tone took on a wicked edge. "She took a uh, personal interest." 

"Well, I hope you cleaned it, that's all I can say," and Kaidan got what he wanted because Shepard burst out laughing, a rough and gorgeous sound. 

Kaidan turned to James, who'd been silent through this whole exchange, and Kaidan wet his lips as he noted James' pupils blown wide, no hint of a smile but instead a raw, hungry look on his face. 

"So uh... how do you think this should go down?" James looked to Kaidan. Kaidan could never figure out what he'd done to deserve that look.   

His mind flashed through a rapid slide show of configurations, and it first lingered on the image of James on his knees, flushed and fucked. The look in James' eyes said that he wanted it, he would take it and beg for more, but he was tense, too. His nerves radiated out from him. Kaidan knew that instinctively that it was not the role for James tonight.

Kaidan kissed him, sweet and open mouthed. Then beckoned to Shepard to join them on the bed. 

"You and me?" he murmured into Shepard's mouth, and she nodded sharply, eyes bright. 

"And James, right?" She tugged James' mouth to hers as they reconfigured themselves on the bed. "We'll take good care of him, won't we James?" and James tried to laugh, honestly he did, but the noise that came out of his mouth was too fragmented, broken into pieces of anticipation and lust. 

"Ok." Kaidan said, almost to himself. "Just... gimme five, ok?" He clambered off the bed and the pair left alone in the bedroom heard the shower come on. 

Shepard slithered in closer to James, running lazy fingertips over the splashes of black on his chest, replacing her fingers with warm, exploratory kisses. James tried not to stare, tried not to go running after Kaidan and drag him back so that he could tell James that it was ok for him to be here, arms around Lola, her lips trailing kisses over his pecs, up his neck.  Lola's kisses were warm but not hot, a languid holding pattern whilst they waited for Kaidan, and James closed his eyes, ran a large hand up Shepard's spine, and just let himself enjoy it. 

Kaidan returned, hair fluffed from being wet several times, a somewhat shy smile on his face.

Shepard patted the bed in from of her, already geared up, strap-on fastened firmly and slung low on her hips. "On your knees, Major." It was less of an order and more of a purred suggestion, but she was perfectly poised about it, tiny smile playing about her lips. Assured so he didn't have to be. 

He knelt on the bed, Shepard slipping easily between his parted knees, running scratching fingernails down his back. Fingers glistening with lube, she slid a teasing trail over one cheek, the curve of his buttock. Her fingers pressed in behind his sac, then a slow, wet slide between his ass. The sensation was firm, an assured, confidant line to press against him, in him, and Kaidan sighed into it, feeling safe in her hands.   

James followed Shepard's lead in the firm touch, rubbing circles into Kaidan's back, one hand steady on the slope of Kaidan's neck. The Lieutenant was whispering a flow of contented noises as he slid his hand from Kaidan's back to the firm flesh of his ass, spreading him open slightly as Shepard slowly, decisively, pulled her hand back and added another finger along side the first.   

Kaidan breathed, and let his head hang between his biceps, because Shepard's touch was that perfect balance between firm and questioning, honed to a fine art. When she tilted her fingers in a downward press he felt his cock pulse into nothing, and let his slow breathing crack, a moan escape his mouth. 

"You ok, _mi vida_?" James murmured, one hand cupped behind Kaidan's neck and bringing himself down to the kneeling's man's face, kissing the answer out of him. 

"Yes, yes, I- ah-" and James just rubbed a grounding circle into Kaidan's back, almost jumping in surprise as Shepard's free hand clasped over his own. James glanced up at her to see her smiling, slightly dazed, and James flipped his hand, grasping hers, because this was something they were doing _together_ , he reminded himself.   

"Ok," she said breathlessly, word both an assurance and a question, and Kaidan answered without words, pushing his hips slightly back into her.   

"Please, Lola." James kissed her, letting his mouth do the talking, trying to tell her that he had his moments, yes, moments of uncertainty. But this, right now? This was perfection. 

Kaidan felt rather than saw them fasten their hands together at the corner of one hip, heard their breathy exchange. He heard them share wet little kisses as he felt the tip of Shepard's cock resting in the dip of his ass cheeks. 

Kaidan might have been getting everything he ever wanted, but maybe, somewhere amongst all that, Shepard and James were feeling the same way too. 

He felt his arms tremble slightly as Shepard guided the slick head of her cock into him. James was there, kissing into his mouth in between pants, rubbing sure hands into his shoulders, his hips, tracing his jaw, and Kaidan gave himself permission to stop thinking as he felt the contact of Shepard's hips flush against his own, the strange ache of being so completely filled.   

Hand biting into his hip, Shepard leisurely pulled back out again, though the pace belied the effect on her; he heard he breath catch. 

James watched them find their rhythm, and for only a moment did he feel... left out. Perhaps they made a complete picture, on their own. He watched Shepard's keen eyes, as she read every pant, every twitch, even as her own breath came heavy under the sensation of Kaidan around her cock, plugged straight into her cortex. James watched them, and felt a weight on his chest, the perfect size and shape of all the history between the two. 

Kaidan caught James' hand, bringing it to the nape of his neck. The kneeling man was licking his lips, his request wordless. They'd done this enough, on Benning, down in the hold, that he didn't have to talk. James curled his hand into the wiry hair at the nape of Kaidan's neck, and felt the weight on his chest melt away. Two people could only make a straight line, after all. It took three to make a shape. 

James heard Shepard groan, a breathy _fuck yes_ , as he slid his cock past Kaidan's parted lips.   

Kaidan was panting, now grunting around James in his mouth, with every one of Shepard's perfectly aimed thrusts. It felt good, to give, to be taken like this, to feel the familiar hot slide of James' cock in his mouth, the unbearable fullness of being fucked, to hear two voices catch and pant and moan together. 

Every time Shepard had invited them up to their cabin, James looked to Kaidan for the answer, and he'd said, hell why not. Kaidan hadn't been able to quiet the voice that said he was steering James wrong, was using him, this mutual interest between his boyfriend and his ex lover, to manipulate them both into giving Kaidan exactly what he, in his heart of hearts, wanted.   

Kaidan wasn't a man to abide feeling he'd acted selfishly. Kaidan choked out a groan around James, Shepard shifting and tilting expertly, her own breath coming hard as she left behind her measured pace. James held Kaidan, his hand warm against the Major's neck both grounding and controlling as he too, let the familiar sensation of Kaidan's slick mouth, the sight of Shepard's body taut as she fucked him, spur James onto a more fevered pace. 

However Kaidan might have conducted himself to get here, whatever he might have done wrong, when he felt both James and Shepard lean forward over him, both still inside of him, and fasten their mouths together in a kiss, Kaidan felt _absolved._


	14. The Clone

Turns out Shepard had been dead wrong about anything happening to the Normandy whilst docked in C-sec space.

Gunfire clanged off the walls of the shuttle bay, and James, for all the gravity of the situation, took a brief moment to be outraged at the sight of his weights clunking off their stand and beginning to make a hurried escape toward the open hold doors.

Shepard was shouting something and through the overpowering noise of the wind and the fact that he couldn’t be sure which Shepard was shouting, James concentrated on Maya Brookes, who kept him pinned down behind a req crate. It was extra galling to be facing down the fake-staff analyst, because he’d _kinda_ thought she was cute, and since that was a new _thing_ for James, he was taking it _kinda_ personally that she was trying to kill him.

He heard Garrus’s flanging voice in a sharp retort, which meant it was probably fake-Shepard shouting, and James popped his head over the crate, sighted and fired bare seconds before Brookes shot back, and _fuck_ she was a lot closer than she’d been ten seconds ago. It sounded like Garrus and Shepard were equally tied up, and being that they were at least the length of the shuttle bay away, James started to feel the cool trickle of fear that had been kept firmly away by bloodlust until now.

“Come now, James, I thought we had something! A connection!” Shit, she was closer again.

“Yeah well, you wish!” Not his finest work but he clearly didn’t banter very well under pressure. _Keep her talking_ , that's right, keep up the witty jabs, because it helped to mark her location, which was disturbingly nearby. If she just came a _little_ closer…

“You’re just a sad little traitor, who’d _kill_ to have some goddamn friends!” James shifted the grip on his rifle, hoping to hear her voice from one crate across and over.

“With enemies as familiar as you, who needs friends?” Right. Perfect. He glanced to his left, managed two quick steps, staying low and keeping his head out of sight. He wasn’t silent. Stealth was more the Commander’s thing, so he had to get this done, fast.

All in one motion, James shifted his rifle to one hand, weight to one boot, and lifted his head out of cover for one perilous second to check her position. Confirmed, he slammed one hand down on the lift controls, put one boot on the grey crate between him and Brookes, and _shoved_.

Weightless and lifted a millimeter off the floor by fields used for managing and shifting stock, the crate shot forward, and James heard the clatter and sharp cry of Brookes getting knocked off her feet. No time to think, only react.

He surged through the gap left by the crate. Brookes was already recovering, turning to raise her pistol as she regained her knees. He slapped the weapon across her body, keeping himself behind her shoulder and out of the firing line, and simply charged into her, superior weight and momentum barreling her forward and into the wall.

Mind blank, perfect execution of the strategy.

He crushed her, face-first against the wall, slapped his rifle onto his thigh where the current gripped it, other hand already pulling out mag cuffs. She didn’t have time to recover from the winding impact before he fastened her hands together, and with a brutal clang, to the shuttle wall above her head. He yanked the heavy pistol out of her hand, flinging it away.

He breathed out hard, and returned to himself to hear Garrus screaming his name, through comms and over the howl of the wind.

Brookes was already tugging against the cuffs, whole body and suit wrenching in effort.

“Let me go,” she panted uselessly.

“Nah. Think I’ll leave you right there, _perfido_.” He heard his name again. It was coming from very, very near the open hold door. He was torn; he didn’t want to leave Brookes alone. He wasn’t dumb enough to think someone as slimy as her couldn’t figure out an escape, but Garrus didn't sound like he was calling James for breakfast. James Vega also was not about to execute a restrained prisoner, however repugnant.

“Come  _on,"_ Brookes panted at the cuffs.

It was a calculated risk, but he had to take it. Before he left her, he reached for the power cells on the back of Brookes’ hardsuit, gauntleted fingers taking the protruding machinery in an enhanced grip, and tore it free, powering down her HUD, strength enhancements and field meds. It would have to do. 

“Right,” he muttered to himself, and un-holstering his rifle, turned heel and sprinted toward the sound of Garrus’ voice. He didn’t let himself think why it was Garrus and Garrus alone calling for assistance as he ran.

The wind closer to the open doors was terrifying. It was one thing to do FTL in a closed ship through space, quite another to hear the roar of atmosphere so near, so tangible as the Normandy zoomed along.

Garrus’ body was laid flat on the exit ramp, desperately trying to reach the hands hanging off the lip. The turian couldn’t go much further; his wiry form didn’t have the mass to keep him flat to the ramp in the incredible turbulence. James didn’t assess the danger, didn’t let anything cloud his single mindedness as he ran, skidding first to his knees then flinging his body flat to the ramp, feeling Garrus grab one boot to anchor him, their combined mass laid flat enough to stop them blowing away like a leaf in the wind. James reached the lip and looked over.

There was the disorientating moment of seeing two sets of Shepard’s sharp features staring back up at him.

“Vega!” Shepard screamed, breaking his reverie, and he noted her favourite visor as he gripped Hannah Shepard’s hands, hauling her back up.

Shepard kept herself low without sprawling like the two soldiers by her side, knees bent sharply and weight spread. She coolly opened her ‘tool, and turned the wind bracing field back on.

Later on, James would try not to remember the look on her face as Shepard stood tall, icy fury and burning hate, as she stomped, one by one, on the hands of the clone. He definitely tried to put out of his memory the shock on Not-Shepard’s face, the sickening lurch in his stomach, as the voice that was not Shepard’s but indiscernible from the original, let out a scream as she fell.

Garrus clambered back to his feet. “Spirits, are you insane?” he demanded, approaching Shepard and physically hauling her back from the edge. “Turning off the buffering fields was madness, and then literally throwing yourself after her?” Safely away from the illness-inducing drop, Shepard shrugged off his grip.

James stared between them.

“You what?” he asked.

Garrus pointed an accusing finger. “She shorted the fields keeping out the wind, then tackled that _thing_! They both went rolling down that ramp and you _would have died,_ Shepard! Of all the _stupid_ , _dangerous_ bullshit I’ve seen you pull-“

“Whoah, Commander, you what?” James interrupted, staring at Shepard, who seemed unmoved by Garrus’ tirade.

“I did what I had to.” Still that coolness, mouth a firm, hard line. “Conventional combat was getting us nowhere, and she had to be put down.”

James couldn’t help it. He let out a little disbelieving huff of laughter. “After callin’ my stunts reckless, Lola, that’s… that’s rich.” Shepard almost smiled, but she still had that grim cant to her head, the aftertaste of combat still too rich in her mouth. James could taste it too, like blood in his mouth that he was lucky enough to have not shed today.

Garrus was incensed. He grabbed Shepard’s shoulder. “You can’t be so reckless! You can’t throw your life around like that, Shepard! You mean _so much_ , and we need you to win this goddamn war!”

Shepard shook off his grip, backing up. “You need me to win the war, right?” Her gaze was rock hard, fury playing somewhere between the lines of her brows, but sadness, endless sadness seeping through the gaps in her words. “After that, can I throw away my life? After I’ve done all the dirty work you people need me to do, will I be able to lay down and die then?”

“Shepard, that’s not what I-“

She pushed past him, to walk further into the hold.

James could feel his knees begin to wobble, the impending adrenaline crash drawing ever closer as he and Garrus looked helplessly at each other.

“She’s not… She’s not ok, is she.” James stated flatly, listening to her footsteps, torn between racing after her and knowing he had no idea what to say to a woman who looked forward to the chance to die.

Garrus rubbed his brow plates fretfully. “No, she’s not. Hasn’t been for quite some time, though I’ll be damned if I know what to do about it.”

And that was (well, one of the many, if he was honest) hugely frustrating things about Shepard. She’d been fucking both him and Kaidan senseless for weeks now, dirty jokes and imperious commands for them to get up to her cabin stat, and he’d maybe even started to think there was affection there, that her lust and protectiveness were actually signs of something deeper. He’d been naive enough to let himself hope.

But there was a secret self to Shepard, laid bare now by combat and the unnerving act of watching her reflection move of its own accord in the mirror. He could go after her and demand that she let him care for those raw wounds like he so fervently wanted to, but you could bet your ass by the time he’d caught up to her she’d have them hidden neatly away again, ready to be whatever, whoever was needed. As long as what was needed wasn’t the truth.

He hadn’t reached for that self that she held so close because he knew, if he pushed, if Kaidan pushed, the whole thing would come crashing down around his ears. Shamed as he was to say it, to think it, he’d rather have a little of her, with even the tiniest chance to have the rest, than force her hand and have her run.

They heard Shepard’s voice from across the hold.

“Oh, Miss Brookes. You survived,” Her voice was tinny with distance and despondency.

The crack of two gunshots, however, were sharp and clear. James could feel them in his gut, as though Shepard stood right by him as she fired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swapped the party and the action from the Citadel DLC around because of reasons.


	15. Getting What You Want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being overly cautious, but.. This gets a weensy bit rough / dub con-y. If you need all your smut to be fluff and lightness please proceed with caution. <3

Shepard _burned_.

Her body was flesh made fire and she wished she could tear it off.

Most of the body she dragged around wasn't even _hers._ Cracking her knuckles into the desk, she swore she felt every shifting plate, every piece of carefully constructed polymer shift and pop underneath her skin, hotter than any human being had a right to be.

She ran shaking hands through her hair, and she would have thrown something if the first action of that _fucking thing_ hadn't been to clear out every personal item in her cabin, thrown in the trash like so much junk, leaving it blank and empty. The lack of something to take in her hands and crush made her want to scream, and not stop screaming, until she melted away into nothingness like she so desperately needed to.

" _Fuck!"_ She hissed, because thinking about the clone made her remember the moment she threw herself down the ramp of the Normandy, that suspended moment where she'd been blissfully certain her body was just going to keep on moving, rolling off that sickening drop and disappearing. It would be ok because the _other_ her could just take her place, couldn’t they? Shepard was nothing, _nothing,_ just cogs and machinery that could be melted down and replaced.

She had looked into the clone's eyes, and saw nothing but deep brown eyes staring back. Shepard hadn't seen those eyes in a mirror since Miranda reached into Shepard's cold carcass and dragged her back to life. She wanted to vomit, because no creeping scars marred the clone’s face, no honest truth peeking out. The truth was that Shepard had been pieced back together like a totaled skycar, nothing more than spare parts and synthesized gap filler.

Miranda had asked for an icon, and that's about all she got, Shepard thought to herself. Her cheekbones felt hot, full of fearsome emotion turned liquid and sloshing around inside of her, and she was desperate to not feel this way, to not feel _anything_ ever again.

But, Garrus had said it, hadn't he? He hadn't meant to blurt it out like that, but he did, and he was right; Shepard had to go on feeling this way because people _needed_ her.

 _Just a little bit longer_ , Shepard thought.

She slumped down on her desk chair, pressing fingertips to her eyelids, her cheekbones, feeling the heat drain from her face, grounding herself. She ran trembling palms over her cheeks, and jaw, trickles of sensation flowing from her hands trailing over the flesh of her own neck, nails digging in to the shelf of her collarbones.

 _Am I real?_ She wondered. This felt pretty real, cool tingles from her fingertips washing over the constant thrumming of machinery under her skin.

Sensation be damned. The heat was still there, the disconnect, the feel of foreign bodies within hers, and Shepard would grind her teeth into dust trying to forget it, if those teeth hadn't been ripped out and replaced with something that would last longer, something harder, stronger, something _not Shepard._ She growled deep in her own throat in frustration.

Her cabin door slid open without announcement. Given there were only two people on the ship that currently had proximity access, she didn't need to look up to have a pretty good guess who it was.

"Lola." That narrowed that one down.

She looked up. She didn't know what James saw in her face, only that she didn't want him looking at her like that; with pity, with care, like he could hear exactly how loudly she'd been screaming inside her head moments before.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

He was almost grim, always sweet, and Shepard was still feeling shivers up and down her spine over the joyous possibility of being able to die and not be truly gone. "Do you know what percentage of cybernetics I am?"

She'd thrown him for a loop. Perfect. "Uh... no?"

"What percentage skin hardening is standard issue for soldiers like you these days? Five percent?" She stood, taking slow steps closer to his tall body.

"Seven, actually," he replied more firmly, watching her take deliberate steps toward him. He'd caught a glimpse of something unhinged in her when he first walked in, but she clawed back control rapidly, that glimpse once again being hidden away.

"I'm at forty two percent skin hardening, would you believe?" she asked, and her eyes were granite as she closed the gap between them. "I'm lucky I can feel anything."

Shepard took his hands, placed them around her waist. "I'm lucky I can feel this," she pressed her body in close to his, "or this." And she looked up at him and saw, she'd successfully derailed whatever he was about to say to her, what sweet concern was going to pour forth from his lips, and she breathed. Because that was _not_ what she needed right now. She didn't need his words right now; she needed his touch.

"Shep-" and his words were cut off when she practically charged him, bulk of him smacking bodily into the fish tank behind, Shepard's hard, biting mouth on his and the hands that instinctively came up from her waist to cup her back were perfect, huge and warm, a feeling from outside rather than within.

But she still wanted _more._

Hands scrabbled on the fastenings of his pants, and her open mouthed kisses were all teeth, hands all nail, and she heard James make a muffled grunt of shock against her mouth and it was wonderful, this was perfect.

"Shepard-" his mouth was only off hers for a second, trying to speak, to cease this hurricane before him, and suddenly his hands weren't warm on her back but resting on her shoulders. She felt light pressure from them, pushing away. She barely felt them, because she needed this, needed his hands on her, his cock in her, because it felt good, and it felt _real_.

He pushed her back more firmly, but one hand was already down his briefs, grip firm and assured.

"Shepard, would you _stop_ for a goddamn second?" James asked, and Shepard liked the way his lips looked even if she didn't like what was coming out of them, red and bruised from the onslaught of her mouth.

"What's wrong?" she asked, squeezing him in her hand as she spoke.

She saw that look creeping back onto his face again, the _we need to talk Shepard_ look, the _I care about you, I'm worried about you_ look, the one that Kaidan had given so many times in the past, the one she'd manage to silence and banish enough times that he stopped giving it at all.

"What's the matter, Vega? Decided you don't like pussy after all?" She wouldn’t be proud of this later on, she knew. At the time however, her body was simmering with the burning desire to be touched, assured her flesh was real, was _hers_ , so she took a less-than-noble tactic.

A good leader knew what made people tick.

She crammed her body back against his, staring up into his face, hand crushed between them still firm on his cock. "Coz I thought we had a good _thing_ going here, didn't we?" She raised just slightly to kiss his mouth, biting his lower lip so hard he gasped.

"I'd say you've gone soft on me, but that clearly isn't the case, right Jimmy?" She saw it, the flash in his eyes, the anger, and this time when she kissed him, rough and biting, he met her blow for blow, huge arms around her shoulders squeezing hard. He hated being called that, and there was no faster way to draw him to anger, a rougher and crueler mood than even the height of combat would inspire.

But suddenly his firm embrace shifted, almost artfully, pulling her hand from his pants as they turned as one. James slammed her shoulders against the tank, and held her there.

"I know what you're doing, Shepard," he said, voice wrecked, but speaking with an assuredness she hadn't expected.

She wouldn't admit it later, but she was winded, in more ways than one.

"I know what you want, but you can't.... you can't just _goad_ me into it, ok?" he continued, his face scrunched up hard as he put aside the questions he'd walked in with.

"I know what you're doing, but you have to _ask_." He breathed hard through his nose, because this what was it came to. He wasn't a man to take without asking.

She blinked up at him, his eyes serious, and she felt a lurch in her heart. "I want you to fuck me," was all she managed.

"Yeah? And?" he prodded.

"I want you to be... rough with me." He looked at her, one more time, asking with that gaze, slowing steadying himself.

"I want you to be... I want you to use me."

Without replying he reached his hands up into her hair, and wordlessly starting unpinning the bun. She reached uncertain hands up to help him, wondering where he had gone, that his eyes were so intent. He gently pushed her hands back down, finishing the work with nimble fingers, running them over her scalp to loosen the hairdo, and god, his touch felt _so good._

 _"_ Ok," he murmured in reply. He tangled one hand firmly in the hair at the base of her skull, and Shepard felt her body _singing_ as the other hand came to rest on her shoulder, pushing her down to her knees.

***

It wasn't the first time Kaidan had walked in on a scene like this, but the moment the doors opened he knew something was different.

James' hard body was over Shepard's, holding both wrists in one large hand as he fucked her, the other pushed hard into the crook of her knee, forcing her leg up and back, and the noises she was making were filth, obscene even for Shepard, and Kaidan felt his stomach swoop with a turbulent cocktail of lust, relief, and fear. Post mission sex was often like this, but this... was something new.

"Kaidan!" she practically slurred when she heard him, voice like she was five tequila's down and drunk on sensation.

James paused, releasing both hands and sitting back on his haunches, but he didn't turn to look.

 _"_ Why don't you join us,Major?" Shepard asked in that same woozy voice, and Kaidan could tell, she was aiming for teasing, for her usual steely control, but missed it by a goddamn mile, instead sounding completely… well… fucked.

Kaidan felt helpless to refuse, something inexorable in Shepard’s voice, in the air. As he started to strip off his clothes, leaving them where they fell, James laid back, pulling Shepard atop him. Kaidan’s arrival seemed to have knocked them out of their urgent, frantic orbit, and as he finished dealing with his clothes their pace found something more teasing, more languid.

Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hand, pulling him up onto the bed insistently. She couldn't help but imagine; if one set of hands bought her so much closer to breaking the surface of normality, of forgetting the sight of a woman who was closer to being Shepard than _she_ was, then imagine what two sets of hands might feel like.

She bought Kaidan's hand to her hair, and he clambered, feet on the bed, to obey the wordless request. His eyes were dark as Shepard ran her tongue up the underside of his cock, head disappearing in her mouth, and she groaned around him, hips still rocking in James' sure hands.

Shepard closed her eyes, and focused deeply on every point that her body contacted another’s. Shepard felt something like elation as hum of cybernetics beneath her flesh started to fall away, overtaken by the sounds of wet moans, of bodies against bodies. Hands on her hips, tangled in her hair, mouth and cunt full and hot, somewhere very close was the assurance that yes, she was real. Yes, she was here.

She needed that assurance, she needed just... a touch... more.

She pulled off Kaidan's cock with a gasp. "Behind," she said, and if it was an order, or a plea - Kaidan couldn't even tell anymore.

He settled his broad body behind her, straddling James' legs, his cock, still slick from her mouth, slipping along the skin of the small of her back. He wrapped firm arms around her as she rocked back and forth, kissing her shoulders, one hand settling easily on a small breast, the other falling to her clit. Kaidan, settling his chin into the crook of her neck, peered down to see what Shepard saw, eyes meeting James' for the first time, and the younger man’s gaze was heavy and vacant, as though his body was present but the immediate, conscious part of his mind had gone far, far away.

She gasped, one hand over Kaidan’s on her breast. She squeezed her breast hard through his hand and let her breath catch, let it catch the shooting almost-pain that radiated out from the touch.

She dropped her head back onto Kaidan's shoulder. "Fuck," she panted, because his chest fit so perfectly to her back, the warmth of him against the constant ache of her spine. The feeling of being grounded, of being held, was so close to cutting through Shepard’s constant burden of unreality, so fucking close.

Her brain unwittingly sprang to the image of the clone’s face, her own face, minus the scarring that she poked and prodded every day, the scarring that she endlessly pretended like she didn’t care about. _I'm you without the wear and tear. I’m you without the emotional baggage._

Shepard growled, and ground her hips down harder onto James’ cock. She crushed Kaidan’s hand into her clit, but it wasn’t enough.

She leant forward and snatched lube off the headboard. She pressed the bottle into Kaidan’s hand, and waited for the _are you sure, is this ok,_ because that was just the kind of frustratingly _decent_ man he was.

He was decent, and kind, and he there was no way that he couldn’t feel the strange energy pouring off Shepard, so he simply opened the bottle, cool droplets lightly spraying her ass cheeks, dripping down the centre as he coated his cock. He placed his free hand in the centre of her back, easing her body forward.

Shepard felt wordless and woozy. She flowed forward with the unerring pressure of Kaidan’s hand on her spine, hand slipping lower for his thumb to dip between her ass cheeks, rubbing slick and soft over the ring of muscle. She pressed her face into James’ neck, feeling his breath on her ear, gentle, so gentle now as he stilled beneath her, inside her, sliding hands to the firm muscles of her ass cheeks, and spreading them.

Kaidan rested the tip of his cock against her, and he could practically feel her _vibrating,_ could feel James’ legs trembling with the effort of keeping still, resisting the urge to buck up and into her.

“You sure?” he asked roughly, like he’d forgotten how his voice works.

 _Couldn’t resist, could you._ “Just fucking do it, Kaidan, _please,”_ she grunted into James’ neck.

Kaidan pushed the head of his cock against her asshole, slowly, carefully. James’ hands firm on her stopped her from pushing back, from rushing, because she might have ordered them to be here with her, but in this moment she had to offer up control. Given the broken, desperate cadence of her breath against James’ throat, this was exactly what she’d been seeking since she first slammed him against the fish tank.

Shepard groaned. She was utterly filled, warm flesh to flesh, Kaidan’s hips resting against her ass, and even as she gave her body over to others, it felt so powerfully, perfectly _hers._

Kaidan pulled back, slow, short strokes, working her open, letting her explore the sensation, and James moved within her too. She was a taut violin string, humming resonance played deliciously between them.

It was all she could take not to throw back her head and _laugh_ because god, this was everything, warm bodies below and behind her, this endless ringing tone in her ears layering harmonics within her, tension building to a wild crescendo.

In a bare few thrusts, the string snapped.

There was a brief, completely blank space on the other side of her orgasm, like hovering weightless at the top of the arc, before she fell, crashed, into unbearable pleasure, _screaming_ against James lips, arcing her back and pushing against them both as she whited out.

She couldn’t actually remember James and Kaidan finishing inside her, only that she resurfaced, curled into James’ chest with the warm spray of the shower hitting one shoulder, and another pair of arms around her waist. They’d taken her, boneless and malleable, and held her between their bodies in the warmth of the shower, letting water beat down on the three of them. Shepard hadn’t even washed the fear-sweat of combat off her. She was limp, conscious but barely lucid in the circle of Kaidan’s arms, so James had taken a washcloth, and with gentle, worshipful movements, had scrubbed the Commander clean, limb by limb.

Shepard almost started when she came back to herself, and went to move, to get out from between them.

James’ hand shot to her shoulder and dug in. “Not a chance, Lola.” His voice echoed slightly in the confines of the shower space.

Kaidan ran an easy, steadying hand up her side, and didn’t they see, this wasn’t _for_ her. This beautiful afterglow, made of sweetness and kind caring touches, this was for Kaidan and James, together. A complete picture, without Shepard. People like Hannah Shepard, _Jnr_ weren’t invited to this part. Not murderous, hedonistic commanders, with more blood on their hands than one could even fathom.

 _Even when you are invited? Explicitly?_ A part of her mind unhelpfully asked.

She was just the guest star, a momentary distraction, and more importantly, didn’t they see, if they created a complete picture with her in it, how awful it was going to feel when she was erased?

Her whole body tensed, and she was going to get out of this embrace if she had to break someone’s nose to do it.

“Shep,” Kaidan said, imploringly. “You can’t… would you just stay for a minute? You can’t… do that and then run.” His arms loosened as he spoke, however, giving her space to run if she was going to. Kaidan always treated her much like you’d treat a cat. When she wanted to be petted, it was a thing of beauty. When that moment was over, you’d best let it go without a fight, or you’d get clawed. This time though… he couldn’t keep the pleading tone from his voice.

Shepard glanced up into James’ eyes, and she could see his jaw was clenched, steeling for a fight. Apparently some people could only be pushed so far.

Between James’ determined eyes and Kaidan’s edge of pleading, she stilled.

“I don’t deserve this,” she whispered, and she swore it just slipped out, escaped the fences of her mouth and ran wild.

“Oh… Lola,” James murmured, anger melting out of him. As he relaxed, he released the memories of Shepard shutting him down, of deliberately smashing cruel fists into his buttons earlier.

He dipped his mouth to hers, and Shepard felt Kaidan’s arm tighten around her middle again, not to keep her from fleeing this time but to just _hold_ her.

“You do deserve it, Shepard.” She felt Kaidan’s words against her ear, and closer, like they had been plugged straight into her brain.

“You deserve everything,” James whispered, kissing his words into her mouth, a gentle easing of lips over hers.

Shepard closed her eyes and listened to the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was slightly nervous about posting this chapter because it took things a little further than I initially planned, but once I realized that the abbreviation of the title of this work is DP, I made it a bit of personal challenge to try and make a double penetration scene work. I hope you enjoyed it and accept it as a bit of personal experiment if you didn't.


	16. Solo Missions.

Sometimes there was nothing worse than being the hope of the galaxy.

Tali spent every evening on the comms to Rannoch, and every night after that in the lounge testing out her newfound tolerance for alcohol. If anyone thought anything of increased stock of dextro alcohol coming on board the ship, no one said anything about it. Everyone had their mechanisms.

Liara hadn’t stopped working since handing Shepard’s body to Cerberus. She barely remembered what life had looked like before that. It was hard to mourn something you never allowed yourself to think about, and in quiet moments before fitful sleep, Liara thought it might be better that way.

Shepard had to flat out order Cortez to take some shore leave, because the man would simply work himself to death if left to his own devices, and Garrus seemed to be taking a leaf from the same book. If he left the gunnery, it was to hover at Shepard’s shoulder in the war room, or take his Widow and shoot something, _anything,_ that Shepard pointed him at.

If that something was Cerberus, it felt like pointless, monotonous work, facing enemies that were hardly even a challenge for the most part. But they were insidious, and it seemed they were everywhere. It was like spending all your energy running around crushing termites in your house, all the while ignoring the bulldozer steadily rolling toward it.

That bulldozer was the Reapers, and anywhere they met them, they managed to at best escape with their lives, never making grounds, merely stalling. Then another beleaguered trudge back to the Citadel, home for the homeless, and with the encroaching Reaper presence, one of the few places the Normandy could make port. It was one of the few remaining safe places in the galaxy.

Hackett kept telling Shepard, you’re giving us hope, you’re doing the right thing; but who was supposed to give hope to them?

The crew of the Normandy were making preparations to ship off from the Citadel once more, for what seemed like the hundredth time after the hundredth mission, though nothing changed, nothing improved.

Shepard had disappeared on the Citadel the minute they’d docked, literally. That was the thing about having a stealth expert for a Commander. If she wanted to go off-grid and spend her shore leave hanging out with mercs and criminals, she would. It was an unconventional leadership style, but no one stopped her, because it _worked._

It worked because Shepard led a crew that was smart and independent enough to get along without her. It left her free to disappear for twenty hours and return with a famous thief in tow, willing to throw in the life of crime for now and work on the Crucible. It let her pick up a new briefing from a certain disreputable Asari, and at least this time the new mission had the vague chance of making a difference; Retake Omega.

Of course, there was more to Omega than just a few mercenary groups, though if there was ever an “all hands on deck” situation, this was it. It was the eezo mines, and most importantly, the centralized location. It would be a dirty and crooked version of the Citadel, but Omega was big enough to warrant docking space for a whole fleet in need of repairs, and that was a space the council races were desperately in need of.

It was one of the reasons Aria T’loak had been holding court in Purgatory for the last few months rather than rotting in a jail block. The Council, the Alliance, needed Omega, and Aria had made herself indispensable in achieving that.

“K, are you reading this?” James asked, frown creasing his brow. He was flicking through his omni tool screen, looking for assignment details for the Omega mission.

By all accounts the Normandy’s first move was to rendezvous with Aria’s fleet. Kaidan pulled up his own screen, and reached the niggling detail that had James’ brows knit so firm mere seconds later.

“Yeah.” He said slowly, bottom of his stomach feeling unsteady. He stood. “I’ll go… I’m going to talk to her.” James frowned deepened as the other man boarded the lift.

“EDI, where is Shepard?” Kaidan asked before selecting a floor.

“She is currently in the War Room preparing for the next mission, Major.”

Kaidan ground his teeth and immediately regretted it, because sparks shot across his vision.

He disembarked and headed straight for her, resisting the urge to grind his teeth and the rest of his brain into a fine mush as he went through the security check point.

“Shepard,” he said shortly, taking long strides into the War Room and interrupting her grim conversation with Garrus.

She half turned toward him, but he was already speaking.

“You’re going _alone?”_ Kaidan spat, aware that his behavior was totally unprofessional, and currently powerless to stop it.

Shepard cocked her head at him. “Aria doesn’t trust any of my squad.”

Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes, aware of the five or so other people in the room. Everyone aside from Garrus was doing their best to look like they were concentrating on the work at hand, but Kaidan felt five pairs of ears prick up as soon as he spoke his first insubordinate word.

“Yeah, well, none of your squad exactly trust her, so she can deal with it.”

Shepard was doing that _thing_ that she was so frustratingly adept at, where she cooled as others heated, and in doing so, managed to look like the rational one. She weaponised her detachment, and goddamn her, it _worked._ “Do you trust _me?”_ she asked frostily.

“That is- you-" Kaidan felt the pulse of anger, starting in his belly and shooting up through his amp, finishing off with an ominous throb in his temples.

Shepard nodded dismissively, body already half turned away. “I don’t need your help, Major.”

Kaidan felt his hands curl to fists. “With all due respect, _Commander-"_ and both Garrus and Shepard heard the “kiss my ass,” underneath the words, but it was Garrus who stepped forward, talon light on Kaidan’s shoulder.

“Not here, Kaidan.” Garrus murmured as Shepard turned away. “You think she’ll back down here?” And Kaidan looked up at the turian and felt his anger melt away, because Garrus was right, as he often was, in matters of Shepard and of the deft touch of leadership. Kaidan let his fists loosen, then backed away.

The conversation, however, was far from over.

Maybe he wouldn’t have been so angry if he hadn’t spent the previous night at the Citadel with her. The offer to come join her at Anderson’s apartment had pinged both men at the same time, and James, elbow deep in the re-cataloguing of the hold’s armory, had given Kaidan a thoughtful look.

“I’m pretty swamped here, K,” he said honestly.

Kaidan’s only response was a questioning frown.

“You should go,” James replied with a lightness that belied the gravity of such a suggestion.

“Just me?” Kaidan asked, and that complete sincerity of his question confirmed to James exactly why he suddenly felt... fine about Kaidan going to Shepard without him.

It had been a long time since the thought of Kaidan and Lola together had made James’ stomach burn with envy, with confusion. Hell, he didn’t have to use his imagination anymore to wonder what it looked like. But James could still read their history between the lines of their bodies, and yeah, sometimes that made him jealous.

But he’d never felt closer to Kaidan, never had a single reason to doubt the Major when he held him tight and said he loved him. That hadn’t been changed by letting Shepard into their lives, into their bed. If the history between the two Spectres was going to cause Kaidan to decide women were more style after all, it would have already happened. But it had just never come up, and James could see at that after everything they’d been through, a night or two for Kaidan and the Commander alone would change absolutely nothing.

Besides, maybe it would be good for her.

James nudged the crate between them with a boot, sending it skating lightly over the mass effect field, and stepped into the open space in front of the Major. A quick glance over his shoulder revealed Steve was pointedly looking anywhere but at them. James kissed Kaidan, thoroughly. “Have fun, _mi vida_. And I’ll be right here when you get back.” And he’d smiled, so relaxed, so open, that Kaidan knew he could believe every word.

So despite their usual pattern, Kaidan had gone to her. Alone.

She was standing at the kitchen table engrossed in a data pad when the door slid open. She tossed down the pad, an expectant look on her face, waiting for the second person to walk through the door. When James didn’t appear within a few moments, Kaidan silently spread his hands in a gesture of nonchalance. Shepard’s face flicked from expectant, to questioning, to amused.

“James is ok with this?” she asked. “Finally stopped needing to tag around after you in case you forget he exists?”

“Hey,” Kaidan admonished softly, but there was a light hearted tease to Shepard’s voice.

“I don’t want a repeat of last time when I kissed _just_ James, and everything went to shit because you two weren’t talking to each other,” Shepard said in grim amusement.

Kaidan tried to fight back a smile. He closed into Shepard’s space, and kissed her. “I don’t know, I think that little miscommunication turned out ok.”

She smiled up at him drily. “Yeah, we did alright for ourselves.”

Kaidan wrapped his arms around her more loosely, and looked around the apartment. Last time he’d been here, it had been bustling with people, and Kaidan had been wrestling with an excellent hangover. He hadn’t expected in a million years that he’d be here, alone with Shepard There was something so heart-achingly domestic about it, kissing her here in a kitchen, a home.

“But yes, he knows. He’s doing inventory with Cortez and didn’t want to leave him alone to it. You can message him, if you like.”

Shepard shook her head. “No, no. I trust you.”

The sex had been… less frenetic than their usual coming together as three, though Shepard didn’t waste much time in taking him upstairs (“The kitchen table is one thing, but there’s a bed like _right there,_ Kaidan.”)

Their clothes had come off relatively slowly, Shepard taking her time with the buttons and fastenings, kissing each new piece of skin as it was revealed, letting her head fall back and breath come quicker as Kaidan returned the favor, languorously inching her pants down, laving each scar, each stretch of brown skin, before running a hand from sternum to pubic bone, laying her back, settling between her legs. He let his exploring mouth run over each hip bone, the juncture of her thighs, wet and teasing, before parting her lips in a slow, sweet lick.

It always felt right, and good, to be here before her, lost in the wetness and smell of her, listening to her breath catch and tremble. Kaidan let himself savour it, savour her, mouth firm on her warmth, lips and tongue licking and pushing, a constant, overwhelming tease, before landing on her clit, firm in his mouth.

His mouth was a swirling, seeking force, and he waited until Shepard’s whole body was flowing with him. There was tension and relaxation by turns in her thighs, fingers tugging in his hair, and gripping his shoulders desperately, and there it was, that moment, that precipice before she seemed to gather all the energy in the room to her before she came with a reckless moan. He stood, almost absently wiping a hand over his slick mouth, watching her face intently as she crashed through it, fingers easily finding purchase on her thighs and cock against her wet lips in the trembling moment after her orgasm, and he slid inside her easily, catching those last waves of pleasure.

Afterwards, she lay by his side for a longer moment before her usual escape, Kaidan’s hand drawing languid circles on her lower back, fingers warm and certain.

It had made the contrast of her snapping demeanor back on board the ship all the more jarring.

If he’d had any hope of catching her in a more receptive mood later on in her quarters, it was dashed the moment he opened the door. She’d obviously spent the afternoon working on those walls, precisely and deliberately bricking them up.

“If you’ve come up here to argue the point, Major, can I just start by saying where the fuck do you get off implying I need your help.” Shepard’s voice was flat, and she barely looked up from the armor pieces strewn out from her locker.

“For the love of…” Kaidan stopped himself. He hadn’t come up here to get angry, he’d come up here to try and talk her off that damn cliff, that shuttle ramp ledge, the one she’d been toeing for months now. And even if she could look at him, through him, and push his buttons with her usual technical precision, he wasn’t going to let it get to him.

Maybe he was going to have to beat her at her own game. He sized up Shepard, her barriers, and seeking purchase, seeking weakness, he _pushed._

“James told me. About what you said. After the clone.”

She blinked.

“And I was there when you took on that whole CAT-6 squad by yourself, even though back up was minutes away.” He could think of at least three other instances where Shepard’s decision making had put her in unnecessary peril, but he moved on. “And now… you want to go on off with some criminal Asari? Alone?” He kept his voice level, and continued to apply pressure.

“And what? You’re worried about me?” she said scornfully. “Worried I’ll do something stupid, are you? What are you, my fucking mother?”

Shepard’s comments were supposed to goad him, to draw him to anger. Anger, she could deal with.

Instead, he looked at her levelly, crossed his arms over his chest, and replied with a simple, “Yes. Though if I was your _fucking mother,_ maybe you’d listen to me.”

Shepard clenched her teeth. Instead of inciting his anger, all she’d done was stoke her own. “Get. Out.”

Kaidan didn’t move. She held her right hand up, palm down, and it might have looked like a calming gesture, but Kaidan knew she was twitch away from a tech offensive. With an enemy tech, it might have taken a few moments to bypass the protections on his amp before sending him into paroxysm of pain; enough time for him to trigger a barrier. But that was the thing about friendly techs; you let them have access to your tool, your amp, so you could work better in tandem. It had the potential to backfire horribly when you wound up facing one down. “Get out before I have you locked up.”

Kaidan took the gamble, ignored the threat, and doggedly continued pushing. “You can’t say you don’t think it’s suspicious that Aria wants you alone. The only thing she gives a shit about is her precious station. She doesn’t care about you.”

The Commander’s lip twitched, though her threatening hand softened ever so slightly. “And you do?” she mocked.

Kaidan’s was breathless for a moment at her callousness, and fumbled with his words. “You are-” _infuriating. Beautiful. The most deliberately frustrating person I’ve ever met._ He steadied himself. “Why do you do that?” His voice was soft, and he continued to watch her closely. “Yes. I care.” He was losing the evenness in his voice, he could feel it. He was just about through with it, ready to throw everything he had at those goddamn walls, and if she fried his head, tossed him down an eezo mineshaft on Omega, be done with it, because he was _sick_ of stowing these conversations, swallowing his thoughts every time they came up.

“How hard is it to understand that you don’t have to do this alone? You aren’t doing _any_ of this alone, Shepard, and I am _through_ with you pushing me away, pushing James away.”

Shepard huffed a derisive laugh. “What does James have to do with this?”

“James cares about you. James _loves_ you.”

“Loves me? This is just sex, Kaidan.”

Kaidan saw red and completely lost any hold he had over himself, over this conversation. “You _don’t believe that.”_ A single eddying flare burst on one cheek, flowing down and over one shoulder before he wrestled his biotics to calmness. “How dare you say that, just sex, just _sex,_ this hasn’t been just sex in a long time, Shepard, and you know it!” He threw his words at her, voice harsh. “Have you slept with anyone else since James and I?"

She didn't respond, lips pressed together hard.

"You’re not dumb, Shepard, and you know I love you, James loves you. Fuck, Garrus loves you, in his own way. Hackett and Anderson and yeah, your mum too. Everyone on this goddamn ship cares about you and no amount of shoving us away is going to _do_ anything about it, and I’m telling you, _don’t_ go on this mission alone.”

He could practically feel Shepard trembling from across the cabin.

"Aria won't have your back, not like a member of your team would. What are you trying to prove here?" he snapped.

"I can protect myself," she said, but it was weaker now, perhaps the mortar starting to crumble a little. What good was protecting people from falling in love with you, if they seemed so desperately determined to do it anyway?

"Can you, though?" Kaidan's voice was heavy. "Or more importantly, will you?"

Kaidan supposed he should be grateful that her reaction was nothing more than a tired, “Fuck you, Alenko.”

He watched her warily as she stalked out. He didn’t try and follow her, or stop her. He’d pushed enough.

***

“She didn’t listen to you, either, huh.” Garrus flumped down in the chair next to Kaidan. He’d taken one of the chairs in the lounge and altered it, giving it room for his spurs awhile ago. It mostly lived at the card table now.

“She sure didn’t,” James replied for Kaidan. The older man seemed engrossed in the cards in front of him.

“Well, she’s always been a stubborn piece of work,” Garrus said. “Did she ever tell you about the hijacking of the SSV-1?”

James chuckled. “I got it off her about four times, Joker at least once, K twice, and every single time a different version. I still don’t actually know what happened, though I doubt it involved Lola punching a council member in the face and jetpacking from the chambers.”

Garrus hummed. “No, no, I think that’s about right.”

James rapped his knuckles on the table to catch Kaidan’s attention, still buried deep in his cards. “Stop tryin' to memorise your hand, K. Give ‘em back anyway, we’re dealing Vakarian in.”

Kaidan obeyed slowly, though he still looked like he was a million light years away.

James recovered the cards, shuffled them deftly and was almost finished dealing three hands when the door slid open, and Steve walked in.

“Esteban! Isn’t your work bench falling down without you to hold it up?” James hailed.

Steve walked over to the table, looking nervous and out of place. He was practically wringing his hands.

“No work to do. Well. There’s work to do, I just can’t concentrate. How do you guys do it? When you’re not on the ground team? I know I’m not in the thick of it like you guys are, but I’ve not been left behind on a mission in… months.”

With a flick of his talons, Garrus returned the half dealt hand back to James. “You’re looking at it. Pull up a seat.”

“Alright, everyone’s bets in? We’re not taking Garrus’s money ‘coz we know the Alliance doesn’t pay him enough-“

“They pay me more than you, Lieutenant-“

“And K’ bets twice what everyone else does coz he makes Alliance _and_ Spectre wages-“

“This is just so you can even _play_ on your wage, James-“

“And Garrus, you have to take your visor off.”

Garrus laughed, obeying, and went to pick up his cards when the door slid open again _,_ revealing Tali, Liara and EDI’s mobile unit.

Tali went to head for the bar when Liara laid a hand on her wrist. Something passed between them, and instead the trio turned for the card table, looking up from the foot of the steps.

“Ladies.” Garrus purred.

“Technically, only Tali Zorah could be referred to as such, and even that-“

“It’s ok, EDI.” Liara smiled. “I don’t mind.”

“I can’t believe you _bosh’tets_ didn’t invite us up to play.”

It was getting awfully crowded in the nook, but Tali didn’t wait to be invited. She squeezed past Garrus to sit between him and Kaidan. She laid one gauntleted hand briefly on Kaidan’s, the barest hint of pressure, and took it away.

He smiled at her gratefully. Sometimes it felt like everyone on this damn ship took their lessons in dealing with their feelings from Shepard.

“Jeff is simply doing what he refers to as “cutting laps,” until such time as we can pick up Shepard. He said he did not need the extra pair of hands,” EDI offered in answer to a question no one asked.

“We know, EDI.” James rescued her. _We know you’re doing the same thing as the rest of us._ “Pull up a chair. You know how to play poker?” He set about shuffling the deck, again. “I made Vakarian take his visor off, but you’re just gonna have to promise to not read anyone’s biometrics, ok? It’s cheating.”

EDI nodded solemnly as she took a seat. “I would not wish to undermine the traditions of a game with such rich human history.”

Liara still hovered, as though warring with herself on several fronts. “I- I am worried about Shepard,” she said softly.

It sounded like about ten people shushed her, flanging tones and speaker buzz mixed in with the deluge of sound.

“Get up here, Doc,” James said. “Shuffle over, Esteban, can’t you see you’re being a pain?”

Liara smiled wanly, and obeyed the suggestion to sit, and to shush.

James nearly threw the deck when the door opened again.

“Isn’t there some _work_ any of you could be doing?” Traynor teased, walking in.

“Get over here, you big nerd,” Tali cried out, smacking her hand on the table. “I think there’s room for one more. Why don’t you sit there, next to EDI?” Everyone moved round the table again, pressing in.

“Right, is that it? Can I deal? Any more surprises?”

“Hang on, can someone get drinks?”

“Can someone explain the rules again?”

It wound up taking three trips to the bar and a ten minute run down of the rules, which turned into a twenty minute run down to resolve the four different set of house rules in question at the table, everyone bickering loudly, hoping the volume of their voices would drown out the undercurrent of anxiety. They were all adults and soldiers besides, of course. Wouldn’t do to dwell.

Kaidan slipped his hand beneath the table to squeeze James’ knee. The Lieutenant allowed himself one single bare moment, naked fear over his features before slipping back into easy smiles, teasing voice.

They settled down to play, finally, Kaidan and James ringed by the crew, their friends, as they all played the game of waiting for the Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how no one on the Normandy seems to do any work. Its the FUTURE!!


	17. Shepard Comes Home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Drug Use.

Stamina and willingness of the participants aside, even they couldn’t play cards for the 40 hours it took before word came through. Omega retaken, Shepard ready to be collected.

She brushed off Chakwas’s attention, Joker’s teasing questions, heading straight from the ‘lock on the bridge to the QEC, and disappeared for an hour. No one crowded her. It was never wise to.

James waited, and waited, and waited to be pinged. Normally there was nothing she liked better than to let off steam post mission with him and Kaidan. Normally at least one of them would have been on the mission _with_ her, of course, so when two hours had passed since the end of the meeting with… whomever she’d been talking to in the War Room, James steeled himself and sought her out of his own accord.

He wasn’t kidding himself. This had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with just… wanting to know she was alright. The past thirty hours had been awful. The last ten, nigh-unbearable. Steve had been right. There was no concentrating on work at this juncture, no matter how virtuous you were.

EDI confirmed; Shepard had been in her quarters, alone. He would have asked Kaidan to come along with him, but the Major had been neck deep in Spectre shit, especially with Shepard occupied. He’d surfaced from the War Room briefly to see Shepard’s safe return, then sighing with relief, returned to work.

So James was on his own with this one.

When the door slid open, James spent a brief moment confused. There were no lights on, half-trashed hardsuit pieces in a trail up to the bed. Normally her first act after coming back aboard would be deliver those pieces to him for refitting.

“Lola?” he asked uncertainly.

“Come in," she said. Even in the cavernous quarters, something about her managed to sound deadened.

James took tentative steps in, remembering the last time he’d caught her in an emotional tempest post-mission. This felt… different to him. Last time the air had been crackling with energy, hairs on his neck raising before he’d even stepped in. This time, the room was more like her voice. Flat.

She was star-fished out on the bed, armour gone but still in the clinging black undersuit. She either hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on, or had chosen to leave them off, lying here in the dark. Which was odd. Kaidan got light sensitive sometimes, but James had never seen it happen to Shepard. He walked up to the bed and took a moment to hover there before sinking onto the edge. He half-turned his body, resting his hand on Shepard’s calf. There was a strange sense of relief to find it warm beneath her suit. What had he been expecting, a goddamn husk?

“Can’t sleep,” Shepard said shortly. Looking at her face, James saw why she was keeping cabin dimmed. Her eyes were so wide it hurt to look at, rims of white visible even in the soft emergency lighting.

“Stims, huh?”

He heard her grind her teeth, feeling it vibrate through her leg.

“That was a 40 hour campaign. Didn’t stop. Hit the ground running.” He squeezed her leg sympathetically, not responding. He’d been there. _Could of taken any one of us with you, but you didn’t,_ he thought bitterly.

“Chakwas offered me some downers but…” she shook her head spasmodically. “I don’t know exactly what Aria was taking. Don’t want to throw good drugs after bad.”

 _That was stupid,_ he wanted to say. _There was a whole crew here waiting for you to come back, two of us in particular, and you let that loco blue crime lord feed you some custom shit? You idiot, Lola, you dangerous, suicidal, fool._

He didn’t say any of that. Nothing of the sort would be helpful.

He shifted. “May I?” he asked. “You should take off your suit, Lo’.”

She obeyed, face still strangely blank, tilting her body to one side so he could get to the fastenings. He peeled her out of it, down to her bra and panties, and tossed the flowing black suit on the ground with her other discarded armour. He rejoined her on the bed, toeing off his boots to sit cross legged toward the head of the mattress

“Still my armory tech, James?” she asked tiredly.

“Of course, and more. C’mere.” He wiggled his fingers in invitation

She smiled brokenly, rearranging herself on the bed so she could rest her head in his crossed legs. First he took her hair down. They must have been some industrial level hair pins to have lasted the forty hours, but he flicked them onto the floor anyway. Hair free, he reached underneath her, to her shoulders, running the pads of his fingers firmly up the bunched muscle there, over the back of her neck and into her hairline, almost holding the weight of her skull in his hands, massaging the top of her neck.

She closed her eyes for the first time since he’d walked in.

“It was bad,” she said, eyes still closed, as though she was speaking to herself.

James didn’t respond to that, either, just kept massaging up under her shoulders, into her hairline. If she wanted to talk, she could talk. If she wanted to sit here in silence, they could do that too.

“There was… civilian casualties. Lots…lots of them.” She sighed at his touch. 

James heart turned to ice in his chest. “It sucks, Lola, but… sometimes it happens. Not your fault.”

“No… it was.” She was whispering now. “My… my choice. Shut the life support off. To a whole sector.”

James refused to freeze, even though he wanted to, mechanically ordering his fingers to keep up their work. He dipped soft fingers over her collarbones, and he could feel her pulse, so erratic from the stims to start, but slowly starting to calm.

“Had to be done. But I didn’t… hesitate. Or deliberate. I just did it. Quickest way to shut down the fields, to kill that reactor. I even thought… there’s no one here but Aria. No one to see me." She gasped in a shaky breath. "What if Kaidan had been there? Fuck, he’d n-never do something like that.” Her voice wavered, and James was horrified to see she was crying. Voice barely audible, she finished. “It might as well be me. Doing this shit. Then no one else has to feel this way.” 

James wanted her to stop talking, needed her to stop saying those things, condemning herself, condemning him. “The Major has faith in you to make the right call. And so do I.”

James didn’t know what came over him. He didn’t know if it was that he hoped her could cure her darkness with his light, or that he’d dragged her back from an edge before, or that she’d done exactly the same for him… but he opened his mouth again and the words just popped out.

“I love you.” Shit. Timing, James.

She hadn’t opened her eyes, but she squeezed them even further shut, fat tears flowing over her temples, into her hair.

James couldn’t keep his fingers moving after that, frozen in something that wasn’t quite fear but a sickening anticipation. Would she throw him out? Ignore him? He listened to the almost-silence of the room, the whirring ship, the bubbling of the tank, and waited for the sentence to be passed.

Shepard breathed in hard through her nose, sounding congested. “I know,” she said warily. “I don’t deserve it and I don’t know what to do with it, but I know.”

James let his breath out. “You could love me back, you know.” There was a tease to his voice, hidden in there somewhere, but there was fatalism, too. If she rallied, if she pushed him back… he didn’t know if he could do this any more. 

“I do,” she said, sounding surprised. At herself? At him, for not knowing?

She sat up out of his lap, scratching her head and fluffing her hair out. James simply watched her, in silence. They’d come so far off any path that he was familiar with walking. She’d have to lead from here, as she had in so many things before this.

She mirrored him, crossing her legs, and opened her palms upwards on her knees, inviting. Carefully, so carefully, because this was not a place he’d ever been before with Shepard, James placed his hands in hers.

“But it’s selfish. This whole thing, it’s so fucking selfish.” She leant forward til her forehead bumped his. “You and I both know I’m not going to m-make it back from this war.” As her voice cracked, James untangled one hand from hers, and used his thumb to wipe away her tears. He wasn’t quite as familiar with the barriers Shepard held so dear as Kaidan was, because he’d never pushed them quite as thoroughly, but he recognized a rare moment where they were gone, demolished by stims and death and finally, by the safety of a fellow soldier's arms. 

“Maybe what you really need is a reason to,” he murmured, because he already had most of his arm in a bear trap, might as well throw the rest of his body into it. He caught her chin in the same hand and tilted her face to kiss her, tasting salt and self-sacrifice that was all too familiar.

“I didn’t really think… not until…” she pulled away, tried again, voice steadier. “I didn’t really think about it until now. Someone like me…”

“Shhh.” He lifted both hands now to cup her cheeks, a rare gesture of intimacy for them outside the well-defined boundaries of sex. “Someone like you? Someone like all of us, Lola."

And because she didn’t run, or demure, because she didn’t seem to be crying any more, because he could feel her heart rate steady but high beneath his large palms, he tilted his mouth down to Shepard’s and kissed her again. "Maybe you think too much.”

She didn’t push him away, merely allowed her lips to be kissed, and then came to herself, parting cracked lips and kissing him more thoroughly. There was something about the feel of her tongue against his that was almost instinctive now, and he felt the squeeze of arousal in his gut. But he could  _taste_ the exhaustion, a bitter tang in her mouth against the backdrop of artificial, humming energy.

When she unfolded her legs, pressing forward into James’ space, he stopped her, hands against her shoulders.

“Shepard, you’ve been awake for forty hours,” he said.

She laughed, and half closed her eyes. “You have a point.”

“Shower, then bed, ok?” He said firmly. He unfolded off the bed, and started picking up her hastily removed armour. From the look of it, she’d clearly seen heavy combat down on Omega.

“Ok?” she said uncertainly, watching him. “Ok. You’re right.” She stood and headed for her bathroom on trembling legs. “James?”

“Yes?” he looked at her over an armful of armour pieces. She looked, if he was being honest, like total shit, brown skin with a sallow edge, eyes shot to hell from stims and crying.

She breathed in shakily. “Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *puts own face in hands and cries*
> 
> I wrote an alternate ending for this chapter where they fuck afterwards. It's a little dirtier than the tone of the rest of the story, and this scene works just fine without it so I left it out, but it's [here](http://formerlyinflictingfandom.tumblr.com/post/102277784212/alternate-chapter-17-ending), if you like. 
> 
> (filth wizards)


	18. James Might Be The Youngest But He's Not The One Acting Like a Child

Shepard managed some rest, though it was a negligible six hours before she was back doing the rounds again the next day, assuring those left behind that she was still there, their commander, still in charge and in control. James couldn’t even see through to the woman he’d glimpsed the night before.

James told Kaidan about it, of course. Almost immediately. Something he thought Shepard would have done if the situations were reversed. James waited only long enough for a moment to present itself, lounge deserted but for the two of them. James recounted as much of the story as he could. Except for the parts that weren’t his to tell.

“You’re not… angry? Jealous?” James asked anxiously when he’d finished.

Kaidan stared at his hands silently. He wasn’t angry, but he was wondering when the roar in his ears would quiet down. He wasn’t jealous, but it was hard, maybe the hardest thing he’d ever done, to fight off the teetering moment of unfairness, the ugly little voice inside his head crying _it should have been me. It should have been me three years ago._

He shook his head emphatically, fighting to clear away the ugly voice inside. “Hell no.”

He’d been furious with Shepard when she left the Normandy alone. He'd even cried a few burning, bitter tears recounting the story to James, her near-violence, her tired “fuck you”. It was one of the reasons he had kept himself buried in work upon her return, fearing what those tears might look like when mixed with the relief of her being back aboard. It had been James who had already forgiven her recklessness, had gone to her without question. Maybe that unerring loyalty, that selflessness, was at the heart of Shepard’s confession.

Maybe James was just a better man.

“I’m happy, for you, for her. I mean… not happy.” He knew that his thoughts fought their way to the surface, to his face. He couldn’t stop it. “Love, huh?”

“Yeah.” James looked at his hands. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Kaidan felt his heart squeeze with something that was either love or nausea, because that was just so _James,_ already blaming himself, taking responsibility, and you couldn’t be angry with someone for falling in love with him, nor his kindness causing Shepard to do the same.

“Don’t,” Kaidan burst out. “Don’t act like it’s a bad thing.”

James pressed his lips together. “I know it’s not. I just… I never want to hurt you.”

Kaidan shook his head. “You haven’t.” He looked at James, who was all sad eyes and harangued posture, and Kaidan realized that he’d been so busy thinking about James and Shepard that for a moment there he’d forgotten to think about himself. “I mean… as long as we’re still… Are we still…?” How did you ask someone if they still loved you? He struggled, looking conflicted.

“Yeah.” James reached out and grabbed Kaidan’s hand. “Yeah, we are.”

They sat like that for a few minutes, silently processing. If someone had told James a few months ago he’d not only be sleeping with a woman, but that woman would be the Commander, and he’d be here in the lounge as the Normandy burned toward the next mission in this Sisyphean war trying to figure out what that meant for him and Kaidan, he would have laughed in their face.

“Have you spoken to her?” James asked softly. “Since… you know.”

“Since she told me to get fucked?” Kaidan elaborated. His mouth was a grim line. _It should have been me, it could have been me if I’d just waited instead of pushed, now look at me, now look at us._

James’ mouth twisted wryly. “Yeah.”

“I have.” Kaidan allowed just enough time for James’ shoulders to sag in relief before he continued, “I said “Yes Commander” when she asked for a report on the current deployment of my old biotics unit and she said “Thank you Major” when I handed her something.”

“Thanks, smart ass.”

Kaidan let his hand raised to his face, rubbing his temples ominously as he muttered an apology. “Sorry. But you know how she is.”

 _I also know how you are._ James thought, and there was this sudden shaky feeling inside him.

“She’s just- you should talk to her. She knows she fucked up, she really does.”

“Yeah, and happy enough to admit it to you but not me?” Kaidan already seemed to realize how hurtful those words were, regret crinkling his brow before he was even done speaking.

“K…” James breathed, and that shaky feeling threatened to overcome him, feeling unstable even as he was firmly seated.

“I know… I’m sorry. I just… I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll talk to you later.” He stood, and with a short squeeze of James’ shoulder, was gone.

James looked after him and wondered how someone whom he’d always looked up to so much could be swinging so low.

***

_ComShep – Come up?_

James couldn’t help but frown at the message. Despite their conversation earlier, Kaidan had once again found his way down to the bay, albeit silently, and worked, quiet and soothing, with his boots against James’ work bench. James glanced over at the man and saw he hadn’t moved, hadn’t received the message from the Commander in tandem like he usually did.

_LTVega – Putting me in a real awkward position here._

A pause of several minutes that stretched on so long James almost returned to work.

_ComShep – You’re right. I’m sorry._

James couldn’t help it; his mouth thinned in frustration. There is was, that simple.

_LTVega – You should talk to him._

Her response was almost immediate.

_ComShep – No point._

James resisted the urge to choke an imaginary neck, and was getting better at identifying that shaky feeling inside him; it was the feeling of several pedestals growing hairline fractures and threatening to come tumbling down. It was an uncomfortable sensation, especially when so much of his life the last few months had been built upon them as a foundation

***

“You want me to hack a sender designation so it looks like the message is from Kaidan?” Tali asked skeptically, omni tool open and linked to his.

“Yeah.”

“And a reverse from Shepard?”

“…Yeah.”

“This is about your… relationship, isn’t it.” Tali looked up at him.

“... Yeah.” He didn’t even bother trying to deny it.

“I know we already talked about how much weight my advice holds, but… no offense, Vega, I think you’ve been watching too much Fleet and Flotilla. Don’t you think this is a little dramatic?”

James chuckled, but there was a shadow of desperation behind it. “Maybe.”

“You really can’t think of a better way to get them to talk to each other?” She asked, that same skeptical tone in her humming voice.

“This is the Commander and K we’re talking about here.”

“Mmm.” Tali tapped fast fingers over her omni screen, working on James’ request. “Stubborn is how they both ended up where they are, I suppose. It’s a wonder they didn’t kill one another in the coup.”

James’ stomach went cold. “Can we not joke about that?”

Tali didn’t reply, but finished the sender designation switch with a flourish.

“I’ve handled their replies, through to your tool, and until you turn it off, you’re being both of them. Meeting set up, 2100 shiptime tonight.”

She switched off her omni tool and sighed. “Good luck, I suppose.”

***

James swallowed as two sets of granite eyes glared at him as they realized they’d been set up.

“Lieutenant-”

“James-”

He held up his hands. “Stop it!” He looked from one to the other. They were up on those pedestals, and they both knew so much, they were both his superiors in so many ways, and they were both always right, weren’t they? Except when they weren’t. This wasn’t a role James was used to occupying, but _dios, t_ hey left him no choice.

He steeled himself to be the one leading the way, for a change. “Lola. Would you just… would you just quit it?”

Shepard grimaced. Kaidan’s face was impassive, refusing to let it slip.

“You’re both making things awkward as shit for me and I just… need you to stop.”

There was still a distance between them both physical and not. Neither of the had even sat, bodies still taut and ready for a confrontation, as though they both might as any second throw down and fling themselves at each other, in lust or fury. James felt almost nauseously unstable, watching them, hoping against hope that this stupid dramatic tactic would do some good.

Shepard looked at Kaidan, and he was still wearing his wounds all raw and bleeding on the outside, and she looked at James, earnest yet frustrated, and nodded almost imperceptibly. For both of them

“Kaidan. I’m sorry… about what I said before Omega.” Her voice, so hesitant to start, strengthened as she spoke. Like it made her jaw ache, she continued. “You were right.” James watched her as she practically deflated, raised hackles flattening dejectedly.

James watched as a slideshow of emotional flicked through Kaidan’s visage. Anger led the charge, but shock, and soft, yearning desperation was in there too.

“I’m sorry I got… like that. I lost it and… I said things I knew would hurt you.” Kaidan took a halting step forward.

Shepard took a step forward too, meeting Kaidan in the middle in the universe’s most awkward handshake. James couldn’t tell who exerted the extra pressure, the gravitational pull, but suddenly they were hugging, Kaidan’s arm’s over Shepard’s shoulders and her face pressed into his collarbone, both of them shaking ever so slightly.

James soared.

He looked at them, embrace stretching on, and James was shocked by a thought that crashed into his skull with perfect, sudden clarity.

He wanted to live.

He wanted to live through this fucking war, and that shouldn’t have been surprising, but it was, because all those months ago when Shepard had peeled him back and decked him for the first time and snapped _maybe you don’t care if you live or die,_ she’d been dead right, of course. Took one to know one.

But something had happened, and first it had been Kaidan, appearing back in his life and his shuttle bay, practically twisting his hands and saying _missed you._ Since that moment Kaidan had been the most solid, dependable thing he’d ever had in his life. And yeah, sure, James had thought the universe of him.

And then it had been Shepard, and the merciless process of learning things about himself that he hadn’t even been aware he’d needed to learn. That there was more to attraction than gay, or straight. That there were different ways to love, and different methods of distribution of that love. She was terrible at love in some ways and wonderful at it in others, and he realized all he wanted to do was spend years with her figuring those nuances out.

It was like the thought had snuck up on him wearing a tactical cloak and toting a sniper rifle, and he felt pistol whipped by the sudden certainty that he didn’t want to die anymore. Maybe that made him selfish, that he was no longer willing to die for a cause.

James found, watching the two of them as they parted slowly, suddenly endlessly careful of one another, that he didn’t care one fucking bit if that made him selfish. Maybe he wasn’t willing to die for a cause anymore, but he was ready to live for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working SO HARD to get this thing finished before DAI comes out. Prayer circle for meeeee.


	19. Relationship Status; Complicated.

What had Shepard said about their love lives? _Something so stupid, so insignificant,_ she’d scorned them. Things _were_ getting ugly, hanging their hopes on a slimmer and slimmer thread every day, and it was hard for them to keep worrying about their relationships, plural, when the most advanced planet in the galaxy had just fallen to the enemy.

In the wake of the fall of Thessia, all eyes were on Liara, all hearts with her. Shepard never asked for this, never wanted it, but she felt like she could write a novel, maybe a report to slip into Liara’s time capsule somewhere; “Aliens and Grief; What a Loss of a Planet Looks Like to Different Races.” Through every race, every species, it was ugly. And it was desolately, determinedly draining.

So was it any wonder that when she returned to her quarters, eyes burning with the tears she fought back for Liara’s sake, she found herself almost instinctively reaching to message them? She’d come to rely on the two of them in a way that she’d never intended, could never have predicted. It had become something that was… unprofessional, even for her. She couldn't lie to herself any more that it was just sex. The lines were blurring into and around each other. What had once been a clearly defined recreational activity was seeping into every aspect of her life. Not just _her_ life, if the tender way she'd caught James looking at her was anything to go by. And Kaidan? He'd been lost for awhile, though he was better at guarding it, more used Shepard and her less-than-tender proclivities. 

She thought of Liara, tears burning hot and frustrated, gripping Shepard tight and whispering _How do you do it?_

She thought of Earth, of Vancouver crumbling like so much sand through her fingertips, and she felt momentarily breathless, overwhelmed, because there was no way that the universe could deal out so much destruction and deign to spare her. What was a connection, and yes, love, against all that? What was she trying to prove by determinedly blocking them off, keeping them out?

She’d been trying to protect them, but after all the mess that had been sparked off by her solo run to Omega, she knew that not only was it impossible to keep them away, but that she had already failed to do so.

Just another fuck up on her part. Commander Shepard rubbed her eyes, resigned, and messaged them.

There was less laughter than they usually mustered when the two men arrived at her doorstep. Instead, there was a darkness that Shepard didn’t even try to mask with her usual overstated bravados. Even with grief and fear burning hot in their bellies, this coming together was becoming their way of escape, into each other and away, even for just a moment.

Everyone had their coping mechanisms.

Kaidan and Shepard still circled each other warily, their forgiveness spoken but not yet etched into each other’s skin. Shepard kissed James easily, though her hand wound more carefully though Kaidan’s as she led them onto the bed.

Kaidan and Shepard were still too raw, too cautious to simply touch each other, keeping James between them like a protective layer as they tried to settle back into the easy familiarity they’d lost somewhere. James was not used to being the centre of attention, though he was happy to take on the role if it meant they could make contact through him and around him, taking turns at kissing deeply into his mouth, two pairs of hands, barely touching but circling, a constant distance between them, never too close, never too far away as they worked in perfect tandem, even now, to take James’ clothes off, to take him apart.

He let himself be carried away with it, mouths hot on his neck, one in front, one behind, still being used as that bridge, that buffer, and it was so ridiculous to have them separated by his body like this, but it was hard to care, awash in the sensation of bodies fully surrounding him.

Kaidan laved kisses into the sensitive skin on the back of James neck, unashamedly running his mouth over the lines of the Lieutenant’s tattoos, kissing running from soft to biting to back again, one hand squeezing the muscle of James’ ass. Shepard was in front, small frame tucked into the circle of his arms, ignoring James’ arousal against her belly in favour instead of kissing into his neck, his jawline, and Shepard wasn’t the only one who lived to be _appreciated_ for her musculature, James breathless under the worship of her tongue over his body.

He felt them slipping through that barrier slowly but surely, hands bumping together as they both went to grab his ass. Shepard’s hand retreated, then broached that field with intent as she pressed her chest to James’, hand reaching over his shoulder to run affectionately through Kaidan’s hair.

Shepard swatted James’ hands away lightly when he reached to return her touch, lifting his hands to the slight curve of her breasts. She smirked and bit his lip, pressing his hands back down to her waist, so he had no choice but to lie there and take it, take her mouth on him and give nothing back. His skin felt electric, oversensitive, and every scrape of Kaidan’s teeth on his shoulder, every wet slide of Shepard’s tongue on his felt magnified, unbearable.

By the time James had been so thoroughly debased, so overwhelmed by their focused attention that he felt hot from his cheekbones to his teasingly untouched cock, Shepard and Kaidan had almost found their connection again. Shepard pushed and Kaidan pulled, James winding up flat on his back, breathless, and he watched dazedly as they sealed their mouths together in a perfect, passionate kiss, finally finding that forgiveness, that solace in one another.

James was just happy to have helped.

***

Afterwards, James slid solid arms around the two of them, rubbing one stubbled cheek into Shepard’s shoulder. By his estimation he had about twenty seconds before she’d make her escape, wriggle out from his arm and head for the shower.

Twenty…. Thirty… Shepard made no move to leave, even when James got up from between them to grab a towel. He turned back to the bed to see she'd shifted over a little, one arm wrapped loosely around Kaidan, up around his neck. James sighed out a breath of relief at the sight of them. She’d flung her other arm open invitingly. James watched her tentatively for signs of dissent as he sank back onto the bed, and snuggled in close to her.

Kaidan ran a slow hand, as though trying not to startle her into flight, over the flat of her stomach, fingers light upon her sternum.

Shepard voice was syrupy and slow when she spoke. “I’ve only got five hours to get some sleep until we hit the Iera System. Then I’m going to need to do… commander shit.” Her eyes were closed and she sounded like she was swimming back to the surface from a great depth. She’d ridden James, and hard, like her life depended on it, and maybe it had. She’d brought herself up and over the edge into orgasm, hand slipping over her own clit frantically, since James was a little distracted from Shepard’s needs by Kaidan’s cock in his mouth. It had been both frantic and sweet, and fucking _wonderful._ Everything that the world outside their little threesome was not.

Kaidan shifted at Shepard’s words, and shot James a resigned look.

James made a face in reply. Wasn’t exactly hard to take a hint.

James shifted his weight again, moving to stand up, to leave the bed and the cabin, as Shepard had asked them to do so many times before.

Shepard’s arm tightened suddenly around his neck. “Don’t go,” she muttered. He made a soft hacking nose and settled his weight back against her. Her eyes remained closed.

“Huh?” he asked. He glanced over Shepard’s head to Kaidan again. _You seeing this?_

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, mirroring James' disbelief.

“Can you stay?” She asked, slightly louder. Her eyes fluttered open, and her other arm, that Kaidan was half-lying on, curved more tightly around his shoulders. “Both of you?”

The two men shared a brief look of wonderment before Kaidan answered. “Of course.” He kissed her cheek, and settled in a little closer. How… apt, he couldn’t help think, that he should be curled into Shepard’s side in a warm embrace as the Normandy powered through the void on a rapid route toward Horizon, of all places.

It was like Shepard could sense the frequency Kaidan was on, mind already escaping into the past, into all the mistakes he’d ever made, and she did her best to retune him. “Right… I still need to have a shower. And if you’re staying, quite frankly, so do you two.”

James laughed maybe a touch louder than warranted, and Kaidan joined in.

***

Her intentions might have been good, but she still couldn’t sleep for more than an hour or two, jerking awake from a nightmare, cold sweat on her hot skin against Kaidan. It was the same nightmare, the voices, the forest. It was bullshit.

“Hey,” he murmured, feeling her jerk awake.

Kaidan had only barely been asleep, his fitful doze not satisfying his bone-deep, aching need for rest anyway.

“Sorry,” she whispered in reply.

“S’all good. Can’t sleep.” It was both a question and a statement.

Their murmured voices didn’t quite waking the sleeping giant that was James, but they still, seemingly by consensus, clambered out of the bed, easily finding their connection, their history once again, as the settled on the couches, drinks in hand.

They spoke in hushed tones, as befitting both the sleeping man beside them and the heaviness of the air.

“Are we going to make it?” she asked.

“I don’t know, Shepard.” He heard the unasked, too. _Am I going to make it?_

“You’ve done the work. Put together the team, though god knows how we’ve all put up with you.”

Her lips quirked slightly, thought she didn’t reply, seemingly lost in thought.

The light was dim, but the glow was enough to shine a bright line down her hair, off her hard shoulders, and Kaidan was struck by a sudden need. “I’m sorry about Horizon,” he said. “That I doubted you.” She didn’t seem to return from her far off thoughtfulness, and yet he barreled on. “I don’t think I ever said it before.”

She looked at him in the dimness of the cabin, through him, and took a sip of her rum.

“I’m sorry too,” she said slowly. “And… I’m glad you’re here.” It was only the tip of the iceberg of what she wanted to say, but it was the best she could force past her lips.

She pressed those lips together. It was starting to seem like it didn’t matter now anyway.

“I’m glad too,” he replied, and there was the slightest waver in his voice.

“Just like Ilos, huh.” They’d had no idea what the stakes had even been back then, the terrifying slope which they’d only just started to tumble down, and Kaidan supposed he could feel it too, that imminent, hovering sensation that things were bad, and they were going to get much, much worse.

Kaidan pointedly glanced at James’ sleeping form. “Few differences. But yeah.”

Shepard followed his gaze. “I- thank you. For letting me into… whatever you two have.” The wealth of things she couldn’t say clamored beneath the surface. _I’m glad you’re both here. I’m glad you found someone like James, someone who didn’t run scared when you loved so hard, who knew what to do with it when you handed him your heart. Because I sure didn’t._

“You’ve been more than welcome, Shepard. Since the beginning.” Kaidan doubted that could inject enough feeling into that statement to make her believe it, but damn, he tried.

“Thank you for saying that.” She frowned into her drink.

“I mean it.” He slid over to her, one hand slipping into hers instinctively. “James would tell you that too, if he wasn’t capable of sleeping through an aerial strike.”

Shepard felt her frown wobble. She might not have known what to do with Kaidan’s love three years ago, but she thought maybe, she was getting the hang of it this time around, with just enough time to watch it all circle the goddamn drain.

She lay her head on Kaidan’s shoulder silently, smiling sadly.


	20. The Last Time

 James had seen some serious shit since Shepard had all but hauled his ass onto the Normandy. “Sanctuary” might have taken the prize for the absolute worst.

Humans betraying their own, experimenting on them. Luring them in with a promise of help then shackling them into tanks, as though they were less than animals; after Lawson was done with them, they _were_.

For all that though, it wasn’t the images of the husks that James couldn’t get out of his head. It was Shepard, hair mussed and battle-sweaty, efficiently holstering her rifle before throwing her arms around Miranda Lawson, and the little shake of Shepard's shoulders as she did so, a silent sob into the other woman’s neck. Miranda had swallowed, hollow-eyed, and returned the hug. Something in Shepard was breaking down, and crumbling, and to see her like that, _again,_ so soon after it had been him brushing away the tears, made James’ gut scrunch in fear.

There was no time to rest, to debrief, to even think, however, before the Normandy was onwards to Cronos, hot and furious on Kai Leng’s trail. They were playing their final hand, revealing their flimsy hopes for the Crucible to the Reapers, and everyone knew it.

“Vega. Alenko. I want you with me and EDI on the insertion team for this.” Shepard ordered in the War Room.

It made sense, of course. It was tactically sound and no one batted an eyelid or facial plate at the decree, but James saw it for what it was; a benediction, a continuation not only of her apology but of their time together last night. She was saying to them, to herself, _we’re better when we’re together_. Though as this was Shepard, it was made easier to say by a militaristic façade.

Shepard fought like smoke and wildfire alone, but she knew that she also had the potential to burn out of control without them. That had been Omega, and here was Shepard, somehow hugely imposing despite her small frame and fatigues, screaming _Commander_ from her very core, extending her hand to them across a room full of people and saying _I don’t want to be that person again._

James had swallowed, not nervous but feeling that familiar rush that preceded a fight. He’d clapped Steve on the shoulder, almost smiling in grim anticipation of what was to come, because when they were resonating like this, on the same frequency, no Cerberus mook, no burning, broken space station stood a damn chance against them.

***

James and Kaidan didn’t wait to be asked if they could come up after they hit Cronos. They just did. They gave enough time for the dust to settle, to mechanically strip off armour and stash it away, for Chakwas to go through their suit data and declare them healthy. They found her in her quarters, like a cat hiding to tend her wounds, and when they arrived to take the data pads out of her hands, Shepard looked at them helplessly.

James couldn’t tell whether to be relieved or terrified when she looked at them like that. There was a big difference between naked and nude, and whilst he’d lost track of the time’s he’d seen the latter, this was something new.

Maybe it was that she trusted them. Maybe it was that they’d both been there, alert so Shepard didn’t have to be, as she robotically clicked through entry after entry on an unscrubbed console.

Brain dead. Clinically deceased. Vegetative. She didn’t move her eyes from the console, didn’t seem to hear Kaidan’s rebuttal. James didn’t have to see her face to hear her screaming behind those strange eyes. He had gotten so familiar with her eyes that he never even thought about it any more, the way they glinted in their depths.

Looking at her in her quarters, James didn't have to hear her say it. This well might have been the last straw for Shepard, for someone who already had endless questions for her own body, her own flesh. She didn't seem to want to hear anything they’d had to say; they both tried any way.

 _You're real, you're human, you're the same Shepard you've always been._ She waved off their comfort as she grimly handed out glasses of rum. Perhaps it was less that she didn't need the comfort and more that she was having a cheerless last hurrah. Knowing what she now knew, perhaps it was just that she was no longer protecting anyone from the shrapnel flinging outwards from her, as everything came crashing down.

She was snapping, agitated energy, barely able to sit still as the three of them, so used to this little ritual now, sat down on the corner couch. She threw back her whole glass in a single motion, clapped it down sharply, running restless fingers through her hair, over her face, and it was a fire that James had seen burn in Shepard before. He could let himself be burnt up by it, and god knows there had been times when he liked nothing more, but this time his instinct was to reach for the water. Watching her, James stilled her agitated movements by reaching out, taking her hands in his.

James didn’t bother trying to comfort her. Words only ever seemed to have limited effectiveness on Shepard when she got like this. Instead, he raised slightly off his seat take her lips with his, and was deliberately slow and teasing, coolness against her heat.

As his mouth played gently over hers, exploratory and sweet, he felt her hands, squeezing so tight in his, ever so slowly relax. He sat back, hands still in hers, and saw something close to gratitude in her eyes.

There were those lines again, so blurred now. Shepard didn’t even try to stop them. In fact, she took one hand from James’, and barely needing to look, because of course he’d be there, reached her other hand out to Kaidan, wiggling her fingers invitingly.

An almost-smile flitted over Kaidan’s concerned features, and shuffled in closer to her, arm over her shoulders protectively, sandwiching Shepard between them. Kaidan kissed her, just on the cheek, but the way she sighed at the contact of his lips ignited something base in him, after all these months, all these _years._ He found himself kissing gentle but fervent down her jawline, into her neck. When his mouth reached the hollow of her throat, he could feel her turn her jaw slightly and say to James, low and urgent, “Kiss me again.”

There was nothing, Shepard knew, that could make her feel more human, more _alive,_ that this. She kissed James deeply, hand squeezing Kaidan’s knee with urgency, and she felt sure hands on the buttons of her fatigues. It was all so familiar now, so easy, this comfort, this contact. She relished the feeling, against everything, of being swept away.

Shepard lay back on the bed, eyes lidded, James running sure hands over the line of her stomach, tugging each nipple in turn as Kaidan hooked her leg over one arm, foregoing the usual slick tease of the head against her clit, instead moving to enter her, quick, almost rough, no sly smile but something intense in his eyes.

James caught Shepard’s guttural groan in his mouth, kissing her deeply before kneeling up beside her, hard cock in hand. He sat low on his haunches with fingers light but inexorable on her jaw, encouraged Shepard turn her head. She nipped her teeth into his tense thigh before breathing over the head of his cock, letting James cup the back of her neck to slip into her eager mouth.

And yeah, maybe he thrust a little harder, held her neck a little firmer than he had in past because Shepard could take it. He _knew_ her now. He could see by her half-closed eyes and the pliable, anticipatory feel of her body that this was what she wanted. She had that same snapping intensity that she’d had after the clone, that same desperate desire to be touched, to be taken, and James obliged. He could feel her trust in him, curling his fingers into the mess of dark red hair.

Kaidan was silent but for the slight catch of his breath with each impact of his hips against hers, and he was giving it to her too, fingers firm in the bend of her hip to anchor her body against his with each thrust. James couldn’t help but watch and feel the surreal joy of knowing what it felt like to be Kaidan right now, or hell, to be Shepard.

He was mesmerized by her mouth wrapped around his cock, little vibrating moans with every thrust. Just that was enough, was everything, but when he broke his gaze away from the slick slide of himself disappearing into Shepard’s mouth and locked eyes with Kaidan, who was looking pretty damn overwhelmed himself, James’ breath whooshed out hard and he nearly came right there and then.

So he closed his eyes against the dizzying sight, fighting his breath back to normal, grip loosening on Shepard’s hair. He glanced down to her and saw almost a question in her eyes, and the last thing he wanted was to let her slip out of that beautiful, liquid space she was in, so he bent down, filled her empty mouth with his, and sank down beside her, contacting as much of his body with hers, as he laid beside her on the bed.

He roved his eyes over her torso, the point where her form met Kaidan’s, then caught her eyes with his. _Stay with me, stay here,_ he implored as one hand swept up her side, across her jaw, tucking hair behind her ears, fingers light on the shell of one ear, cock pressed to her hip, almost absently grinding into her. The hand that was on her jaw moments before was still in motion, slipping over her lips, seeking entrance to her wanton mouth, feeling her tongue on his fingertips. With urgency he let his wet fingers travel downwards, again, arms bumping hers and Kaidan’s, a mess of limbs and hands before James’ fingers found purchase against her clit, Kaidan kneeling up far enough so as to not be in the way of the insistent press of James’ hand.

Shepard panted against James’ neck, hand finding his cock to return the favour, stroking him in rhythm with Kaidan’s thrusts, and she sounded drained and desperate, little mewling noises into James’ skin as her gripped tightened. She trembled.

James was going to come, he was going to make a mess of himself and Shepard’s side and he couldn’t seem to remember how to tease, how to be gentle as he pressed his fingers in hard, wet circles mere centimetres away from the slide of Kaidan’s cock thrusting in and out of her.

Shepard’s breath was ragged into his mouth, and it caught, whole body going tight and silent for a naked moment before she came with a rough cry. Her hand was tight and immutable on James’ cock, and here her breath, her orgasm, her _life_ was everything, and as he inelegantly predicted, he came messy and warm against her side, into her hand.

Kaidan let himself fall forward into her, catching and holding his weight on one elbow as he buried his face in the crook on her neck, the other arm flinging over James’ torso and tugging him in close so the three of them were in an awkward, sticky mess. It was hard to care about anything else, about the awful, inexorable war, about bad decisions and civilian deaths and moral choices, as it was all too easy to run a steadying hand up Kaidan’s solidly muscled back, to listen to him as his rhythm stuttered and his breath seized up. He let himself go as he came, collapsing his weight more solidly into Shepard’s body and just _breathing._

They lay in the dim light of Shepard’s quarters, though James admitted it was starting to feel a lot less like _hers_ and more like _theirs,_ sweat cooling on their skin, and Shepard made absolutely no move to extricate herself from the tangle of limbs.

She sighed out a massive, harried-sounding breath, and said “Fuck,” every edge of the word drawn sharp and clear.

James made a little questioning hum in his mouth, still getting his breath back, the whole frenzied mess tinged by that horrible, looming sense that this was some end of days shit here, and they were all taking their comfort where they could get it.

“I picked a really, really bad time to start figuring out this whole _love_ thing, didn’t I,” Shepard said with grim amusement, words directed toward the ceiling and the room at large. She laughed, two short huffs that sounded awfully like the beginning of a sob, and turned to bury her face in Kaidan’s neck.

He cupped the back of her neck, turned to press warm lips to her forehead. Kaidan swallowed, and looked at James with powerless eyes.

The younger man fought down a rising tide of emotion, of fear, and with a dogged optimism he didn’t know he believed, he said, “We’ll have time to figure it out, Shep. After.”

She gave another one of those choked half-laughs, half-sobs, and James thought his heart might break. She didn’t need to speak to say that she didn’t believe him. “You guys might.”

“Lola…” James curled his chest into her back, fastened a hand to Kaidan’s hip to squeeze Shepard between them, and wondered _when_ and _how_ the task of leading them through this had fallen to him. Kaidan covered James' hand with his.

“None of that, ok? We’re all gonna make it, and we’re gonna figure this shit out, and _you,_ you’re not gonna pull that stupid macho lone wolf bullshit, and you’re going to _live,_ you hear me?” It was easy to believe it in the dim light of the cabin. It was easy when he wasn’t looking into her eyes, the decision to die for the cause already shining out from behind them. It was easy to feel safe with her body burning hot against him, and one hand clasped in the Major’s.

Shepard breathed in, and he felt the shake in it through his own chest. “You two look after each other,” she said, seemingly ignoring James’ impassioned request.

“Shep-“

She interrupted him. “You don’t get it.” She sat up out of their embrace, agitated. “I already died, don’t you see? I mean… Miranda brought me back, and that’s amazing, and it’s been a hell of a ride but… I shouldn’t even _be_ here.” There was something close to wonder in her voice, as though she’d figured something out that had been plaguing her for a long time. “Any time, any happiness that I got after that has been… just some kind of freak bonus. An afterlife that I got to have right here in this universe.” She flopped back down between them, staring piercingly out the port above her bed. “It makes sense that it was never going to last for long.”

“Lola…” and he heard the pleading in his voice, because of all the things that this revelation could have sparked, this pained _relief_ was possibly the scariest. She had died, for real, and there was nothing in her voice but this seeming resignation that she was going to do it again.

James had no idea what to say after that, and it was a long speech for Shepard, but she kept talking when it became clear James couldn't. “You two… you've been the best part. I don’t… I still don’t know if I deserved it.”

Kaidan breathed out hard, and simply wrapped as much of himself around Shepard as he could. For the one who had been previously hell bent on arguing with Shepard and her desire to throw herself into the fire, he was silent, watchful, during this exchange. Perhaps he too had… not given up, precisely, but surrendered, and would take whatever came next without fear, without rage.

James looked to him, and saw Kaidan was not coming to his rescue. He felt his the conviction wobble, and he tried, one last time. “You got to come back. Don’t… don’t do anything stupid.”

She turned her head to look at James, almost quizzically. “I won’t do anything stupid,” she said, matter-of-fact. “I’ll do what needs to be done.”

He opened his mouth to speak again, but Shepard interrupted again. “Sh-shhh,” she breathed. She ran a hand through the freshly shaved stubble on his head, something almost comforting in the gesture. “There’s no point. Let’s just… let’s just stay like this.”

James hated to be right about this. This warm embrace, the three of them tangled together in a bed that was just too small for three, Shepard tugging them in so close, was just some fucked-up last chance thing for her. He beat back the urge to cry. He could cover her in a firefight, pull her ass onto the shuttle, but he couldn't save her from this. He kissed the back of her neck, the warm scarring there, and pressed in a little closer, hoping that maybe his new-found desire to live might rub off on her.

“Commander?” Joker’s voice piped in to the cabin abruptly. “We’re three hours from the Sol System, and Hackett’s on vidcom.”

Shepard was already uncoiling, cat-like.

She looked back from standing as Kaidan and James filled the gap she left, to wrap their arms around one another, a brush of lips. She rolled her shoulders, already finding herself, the person she needed to be out there, rather than who allowed herself to be, so briefly, between the two men.

Maybe it was the beacon in her brain. Maybe it was the she knew, pressed up close into her cortex, exactly how bad things were going to get, had known for years now. She had been given more time than others to get all warm and cozy with the idea. Perhaps that was why she was so adept at switching on, and switching off. You had to be able to divorce yourself from that knowledge sometimes, to stop it overwhelming you, if you were to have any hope of overcoming it.

 _I’m going to do what needs to be done,_ she’d said, and looking at Shepard, barefoot and naked, already gathering her reserve to herself, James could believe it. Maybe he saw that beam shining out of her eyes already, her final stand so close, beckoning her on.

“Major, Lieutenant.” Was she _smiling?_ Almost, a little grim, a little sweet, and completely determined. Fuck. He loved her so much.

“We’ve got a galaxy to save.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an epilogue left.


	21. Epilogue: After Earth

“We’ve got permission to see her,” Kaidan said shortly to the guard detail. Were they there to keep people out, or Shepard in?

“Good luck, sir. If she’s conscious, she hasn’t let anyone who even _smells_ like Alliance in there for more than five seconds.”

James and Kaidan glanced at each other. They were in civvies, the both of them. The fresh, bubbled scars on Kaidan’s right forearm were probably the first giveaway, the kind that anyone with a high-grade omni tool had been sporting over the last month. And James… between James’ haircut and silhouette, you couldn’t exactly take the marine out of him.

“We’ll be fine.”

Perhaps it was almost a blessing that she wasn’t awake when the stepped into the hospital room. More like a suite, really.

The two men wordlessly split like water, both taking a side, Kaidan to the left, James to the right.

James sat, and his stomach churned at the sight of the blanket flattening near Shepard’s elbow. They’d heard, but still. Whether it was her custom implants, or proximity to the blast wave, it was hard to tell, but her injury had been more than just the tearing of the implants heating and rejecting rapidly. If she’d still been wearing her suit, if she’d been found immediately, if resources weren’t so scarce, if, if, if.

But it was what it was. Kaidan was already mentally planning the fancy prosthesis he was going to get her. Best money could buy. If he ever had money again.

Kaidan slipped one hand into hers. James didn’t know what to do, where to put his hands, so he planted both elbows on the edge of the bed, and simply stared at her face. She looked like she’d been put through a grinder, even weeks after the fact. Her skin was pale, and worst of all, they’d shaved her head. Probably to deal with the mess of wounds around the top of her spine, rejection of the cybernetics there leaving it like so much raw meat.

He didn’t realize how long he’d been sitting like that before he realized he was crying.

“ _Querida,_ my Lola,she’s ok, she’s ok, she’s ok,” he whispered roughly, his mantra of the last few weeks still light on his lips, now front and centre and not a mantra but the truth. He felt his voice run out, falling silent but still staring at her in wonderment, in disbelief. 

“I don’t know, I’ve felt better,” she muttered, stirring. She opened her eyes like even that was a struggle.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said, relief vibrating off him. The three looked between themselves for a tumultuous moment.

“Hey,” was all she managed.

Both James and Kaidan tried to talk at once.

“How are you-“

“We couldn’t believe it-“

“I’ve never been stonewalled so many times-“

“We knew you were ok within a few days but the fuckin’-“

“You look like-“

“How did you  _do_ it?”

Shepard laid her head back and smiled weakly. The next time there was a gap in their onslaught of words, she said the first thing that popped into her head.

“I’m glad you guys made it.” Her voice was rusty, like she hadn’t used it for weeks for anything except shouting. Which wasn’t far away from the truth.

James awkwardly wiped his face, and hovered his hands over Shepard’s arm, wanting to touch her, so desperately, and not knowing how or where, or even if he was still permitted to any more.

“You can touch it, you know," she said, noticing his anguish. “It’s still me. Pretty much healed, too.”

She lightly lifted the remnants of her right arm out of the blanket, the limb disappearing before the elbow joint into a metallic cap.

James touched the skin of her arm gently, exploring up to the wasted muscle of her shoulder. She rested the limb back atop the bed. James simply let one hand rest of the swell of her bicep, and tried not to think about how diminished it felt.

“They couldn’t even keep the joint. No one else got it this bad, though I hear anyone with anything above a class four ‘tool didn’t have a great time with it.” Her voice was gaining strength, and James wanted to kiss her, and kiss the guilt away from beneath it.

She lapsed back into silence, staring at the ceiling like she’d almost forgotten they were there, despite a hand in hers, a warm palm against her wasted bicep.

“What’s gonna happen now?” James asked, and there was so many different questions contained in that one that it made his own head spin.

“I don’t know,” Shepard said honestly. “I think… No more Alliance for me. I can’t serve like this.” James felt her arm twitch beneath his fingers.

“With the right prosthetic-” Kaidan began, latching onto the first tangible problem presented to him.

“No.” Shepard shook her head emphatically. “Fuck the Alliance, anyway. They tried to decorate me, you know that? Genocide, crippling half the human race, completely fucking intersystem economics and relations as we know it, and they tried to  _promote_ me.” Shepard laughed hollowly, head still back, staring at the ceiling. “I thought of you, James.”

“Yeah,” he responded softly. “They get like that, don’t they.”

Kaidan and James looked at each other. Don’t ask her what happened up there, after the beam, they’d said to each other. Don’t push her. Don’t come in here with the grand announcements of love. It was the last thing she’d want, or need. But it was hard to resist with her lying between them, pale and busted up. They could see in each other’s eyes... they were both finding it so terribly hard to fight back the urge to throw their arms around her.

Sure, they'd had each other in the aftermath of what people were already calling the Big Bang. But they’d felt the lack, so sharply, the gap where Shepard had slotted in, though not always easily. She belonged in the picture that they’d found themselves drawing in the last few months.

“Shepard…” Kaidan started, not sure what he was going to follow it up with. Overwhelmed, he lay his forehead on the back of her hand in his. The scar around his amp, revealed along the curve of his neck, was still red and sore-looking. “I can’t believe it,” he murmured. “You’re alive,” he said brokenly.

"I never even... We  thought for sure you- that you'd-" James couldn't even bring himself to say the word. 

Shepard swallowed. “I wanted to. I mean..." James watched as her face seemed to crumple, and she forced herself onwards. "I was ready to. But then I thought... you told me to come back.” She sucked in a wavering breath, and started to cry, barely even bothering to lift her head, like it was so close to the status quo she didn’t even notice. “So I did.” She moved her right arm instinctively as if going to touch James, swearing when she remembered.

“Hey, hey,” James found sureness in his hands even as he felt unstable in his heart, running quick fingertips over her cheek, echoed tucking her hair behind her ears, settling his other hand against her blanket-covered thigh, steadying her.   

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen next,” Shepard said, eyes squeezed shut.

“But I think… I think I’d like you two there with me for… whatever it is. If you’ll have me.”

Kaidan hadn’t taken his hand from Shepard’s. He looked to James, something so young and earnest in his eyes, the way that James knew he used to look at the both of them.

The question in Kaidan's eyes was one James had heard before, and he thought back to their first time together as three.  _Anything you want. It’s your call._ Kaidan’s answer was clear in face, his hand still in Shepard’s, and he looked immediately to James for his.

Shepard was brilliance, she was lust and admiration all mixed in together, a maelstrom of feelings that James didn’t know if he’d ever piece out, and right now she was broken into a hundred little pieces and asking James and his love, his partner, to be there for her. It was the first time she’d managed such a request so clearly, so definitively and without prompting.

James had had his whole world ripped from underneath him, like he'd crashed into hell for extended stay. Loving two people? One of whom was a woman? The question just… wasn’t that complicated. There was never going to be a different answer.

James nodded, and Kaidan sighed out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. He settled his other hand over James’, the one sitting on Shepard thigh, closing the circle.

They didn’t move or speak for a long time. They didn’t know what was coming next, and after that, there wasn’t much more to say

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so emotional RN. 
> 
> Thank you so much. More extended thanks are over at [Commander-Diomika.](http://commander-diomika.tumblr.com/post/102941821150/dont-push-epilogue-and-thank-yous/).
> 
> In case you're thinking I wussed out by skipping over all the stuff that happens on Earth, well. I did. I totally wussed out. So much of that plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, and rewriting it is a bigger job than what I signed up for here, so I hand waved it. I'm only mildly sorry. 
> 
> But seriously, now would be a great time if you wanted to leave some feedback/gentle critique. Things you liked, things you didn't like so much, strengths and weaknesses. It's my first longform fic, and I'm genuinely interested. I love comments; don't make me beg. 
> 
> Thank you so much for coming along for the ride with me. I'm going to go lay down now. For at least a year.


End file.
